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# The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://thewvsr.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [Vacation Photos: Pittsburgh: Reds Vs. Pirates, August 2023](https://thewvsr.com/vacation-photos-pittsburgh-reds-vs-pirates-august-2023/) - Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can just buy me a beer if you’d like. I’d be much obliged. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!
- [I Can't Keep Up! Here Are The Five Most Recent Podcast Episodes](https://thewvsr.com/i-cant-keep-up-here-are-the-five-most-recent-podcast-episodes/) - I don't want to be one of those assholes who's always complaining about how busy they are, but you wouldn't believe how busy I've been. The worst of it should be behind us, though. That is, of course, unless something unforeseen happens. But all the SCHEDULED anxiety-fuel is now in the rear view. In this
- [Ep. 336: A Spectacular Supernova Of Chipped Beef And Gravy!](https://thewvsr.com/ep-336-a-spectacular-supernova-of-chipped-beef-and-gravy/) - In this one I tell you about the terrible week I had last week, which led to a realization that I should be more thankful when things are just "normal." I list some things that I regularly take for granted, but definitely shouldn't. And I share a call from the hotline from Producer Zipp, which
- [Ep. 334: Three New Calls To The Hotline!](https://thewvsr.com/ep-334-three-new-calls-to-the-hotline/) - In this one I tell you about my battle with two tubs o' granite-hard ice cream, and take three new calls from the Surf Report hotline: Producer Zipp: Attempting to put a curse on my beloved Cincinnati Reds for sweeping his beloved Houston Astros, and a discussion of why the Reds changed their name during
- [Ep. 335: I Felt Like I Was Inside A Kaleidoscope](https://thewvsr.com/ep-335-i-felt-like-i-was-inside-a-kaleidoscope/) - This bonus episode is available to patrons at Patreon In this one I tell you about how the universe paid me back for mocking another man's podcast, an optometrist visit that kicked my ass and added fuel to my full menu of neuroses, a visit to the northern-most Waffle House in America, and a trip
- [Ep. 333: Anxiety And Aggravation Is All That's Left!](https://thewvsr.com/ep-333-anxiety-and-aggravation-is-all-thats-left/) - This bonus episode is available to patrons at Patreon In another edition of 'Ridin' To Work With Jeff' I tell a ridiculous story about getting a leg cramp at work and nearly turning over a cubicle, discuss a conversation I had with my dad and the shots he took at me utilizing the memory of
- [Are You Comfortable Eating In Restaurants Alone?](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-comfortable-eating-in-restaurants-alone/) - Before we get into this one, check out that photo. I snapped it a couple of nights ago at a Cracker Barrel in Wilkes-Barre. It's the Cheesy Bacon Homestyle Chicken, with steamed broccoli and a loaded baked potato, along with (needless to say) bottomless sweet tea. I always hear people say they "hate" the Barrel,
- [Ep. 332: Other Than That It Was Kind Of Fun](https://thewvsr.com/ep-332-other-than-that-it-was-kind-of-fun/) - In this episode of the podcast I tell you about the cheap gas they were selling at Sheetz on the 4th of the July and the calamity it caused, the changes I made to the Surf Report website, and two day-trips I took last week: To Philly to see one of my favorite bands, The
- [Further Evidence The End Is Near, vol. 241](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-the-end-is-near-vol-241/) - Microscopic handbag "smaller than a grain of salt" has been sold for $63,750 at auction Italian school teacher outraged after being shitcanned for missing 20 years of work Georgia Subway restaurant slammed for 'Our subs don't implode' sign Ted Cruz weaves bizarre scenario about Biden murdering children while listening to Pat Benatar Mom naming child
- [The Final Cannon Statistics Are Here!](https://thewvsr.com/the-final-cannon-statistics-are-here/) - One of my Dunbar friends, Tim Smith, recently retired, which made me jealous. Well, not jealous, exactly. I'm happy for him, and don't begrudge him the accomplishment. But I wish I could join him; I'm emotionally, spiritually and physically ready. In any case, you might remember that he's been drip-feeding us detailed statistics about the
- [Using Artificial Intelligence To Make Sense Of The Universe!](https://thewvsr.com/using-artificial-intelligence-to-make-sense-of-the-universe/) - I recently spent some time with Nancy and Nostrils, including a couple of hours at a swimming pool. Needless to say, I didn't disrobe for humanitarian reasons. But I did witness something that day that shocked and perplexed me. I still can't figure it out. I asked Toney about it and she just shrugged, and
- [I Don't Generally Share Videos, But Today I'm Breaking My Own Rules](https://thewvsr.com/i-dont-generally-share-videos-but-today-im-breaking-my-own-rules/) - Before we get started... I'm still semi-skeptical about it, but I tested positive for Covid on Tuesday. The good news? It hasn't been bad at all, and at this point I'm close to 100% back to "normal." I tell the whole story in the latest episode of the podcast, if you're interested. Worth noting is
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 49](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-49-3/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I know I've been gone for far too long, and apologize for that. I could attempt an excuse, but won't bother. Even if there's truth in it, it's still an excuse. And people don't care for that. Right? Right. Today I thought I'd power through some random notes from the ol' battered
- [Do You Have Any Florida Experiences? Please Tell Us About Them](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-any-florida-experiences-please-tell-us-about-them/) - We're heading down there on Sunday. I haven't set foot in that state since I was a young teen, I think. A long time ago. But our family used to vacation there occasionally. I spent some time in Daytona, have been to Disney World, visited Fort Lauderdale and Miami and Key West. Other places too...
- [The Best Bang For The Buck In All Of Fast Food!](https://thewvsr.com/the-best-bang-for-the-buck-in-all-of-fast-food/) - As you're probably aware, I'm a portly gentleman who knows a thing or two about the wonders of fast food. Heck, one of the biggest highlights of our recent Florida vacation was when I had my very first Butterburger at a Culver's. I mean, the airboat ride through the swamps was fun and so was
- [I Bashed My Knee On Saturday And It Hurt Like A Sumbitch! What's The Worst Pain You've Experienced?](https://thewvsr.com/i-bashed-my-knee-on-saturday-and-it-hurt-like-a-sumbitch-whats-the-worst-pain-youve-experienced/) - Last Saturday we went to the Paul McCartney concert in Syracuse, and arrived way too early due to paranoia about getting caught-up in a Winston-Salem-style gridlock. Once the gates were finally opened, and we passed through Israeli airport-level security, we made our way to our seats. Ours were on the right side, if you're facing
- [What Are Your Thoughts On Retirement?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-thoughts-on-retirement/) - I always joked that my retirement would kick-in the day the paramedics cut the skin-tight security uniform off my C-cups and failed to revive my clogged heart. For some reason I'm always old and wearing a security uniform in these scenarios. But... it appears a proper retirement might actually be possible. I'm skeptical about it,
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 21](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-21/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! It's been a long time and I apologize for that. I could make excuses, and some of them would even be semi-legitimate, but I'd rather just call it a hiatus and get back to work. What do you say? Can we start over? Since we last spoke Toney lost her job and
- [I Didn't Get To Sleep At All Last Night](https://thewvsr.com/i-didnt-get-to-sleep-at-all-last-night/) - Toney gave me a Fitbit for Christmas and I'm obsessed (obsessed I tell you!) with the sleep analysis it provides. Oh sure, I glance at my daily number of steps (shuffles) and heartbeat rate and all that stuff, but the sleep info is what I'm fixated on. It confirms my suspicion that I'm a terrible
- [15 Random Photos From Our Florida Trip (Plus One)](https://thewvsr.com/15-random-photos-from-our-florida-trip-plus-one/) - A crowded and birdy Clearwater Beach Underneath the pier at Clearwater Beach One final Clearwater shot before leaving for the day Shopping in Tarpon Springs More shopping in Tarpon Springs A fellow patron of Hellas Bakery and Restaurant in Tarpon Springs reacting to a fiery appetizer Spanish moss on the trees (love that!) From atop
- [Have You Ever Had A Paranormal Experience, Or Anything Of The Sort?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-had-a-paranormal-experience-or-anything-of-the-sort/) - Sadly, I have not. I've been scared plenty of times, because I'm kind of a pussy, but have never experienced anything unexplainable. Toney tells a story from when she was young and the entire family briefly moved to a farmhouse in Montana (I think). Please keep in mind that her mother is fully insane, and
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 139](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-139/) - This is bullshit already. I'm starting to get this crap from every direction. At some point I'm just going to throw in the towel and embrace it. But not yet. It's still new enough to piss me off and ruin my day. Everybody tells me not to worry about it and "just enjoy the discount."
- [What Are Your Favorite Midnight Snacks?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-favorite-midnight-snacks/) - I talked about this on the podcast recently, and would like to get your thoughts on the subject. I'd like to know what your favorite late night snacks are. I've mentioned that there's not a moment of the day or night when I couldn't eat a complete meal or lay down for a full night's
- [Who's This Liver-Lipped Root Vegetable-Headed Sumbitch?](https://thewvsr.com/whos-this-liver-lipped-root-vegetable-headed-sumbitch/) - I'm monkeying around with yet another ill-conceived side project (more to come on that someday, maybe), and wanted a cartoon version of my tiny Duke head for use there. So... whenever I need something like that I make a beeline for Fiverr. I've had a lot of luck with that site, and there have also
- [Scary Shit On The Roads!](https://thewvsr.com/scary-shit-on-the-roads/) - I've been working later than normal, on account of the nonsense, and was driving home a few nights ago after 1:30 am. I was on Interstate 81, Satan's Superhighway, when I saw what looked like a dozen police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, etc. on the opposite side of the interstate. I was traveling northbound, and
- [Where Were You In Some Random Year? Vol. 1](https://thewvsr.com/where-were-you-in-some-random-year-vol-1/) - Let's go with 1998, shall we? What did you have going on during that year? Was it happy times... sad times... something in between? Please tell us about it in the comments. I'm sure some of you will make me feel like a broken down old sack and say something hurtful like, "I was in
- [I Don't Want To Jinx Myself, But I Have Very Little Experience With Car Crashes. What About You?](https://thewvsr.com/i-dont-want-to-jinx-myself-but-i-have-very-little-experience-with-car-crashes-what-about-you/) - The only time I've ever been involved in a true "crash" was when a dumbass high school friend drove his car -- with me in the backseat -- straight into a telephone pole on Myers Avenue in Dunbar. I think he was monkeying around with the radio, not paying attention, and just slammed straight into
- [Now That EVERYBODY Is On Tour Again, Have You Bought Any Tickets?](https://thewvsr.com/now-that-everybody-is-on-tour-again-have-you-bought-any-tickets/) - I have, but a lot of it has to do with my kids. Specifically, the older boy. He keeps asking me -- before I've even had a single sip o' coffee early in the morning -- if I'd like to go see someone with him. Here's what we have booked so far: Bill Burr in
- [What Are Your Thoughts On The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-thoughts-on-the-all-you-can-eat-buffet/) - I know there's a lot of snobbery when it comes to buffets, and that's because many of them are terrible and attract shouty people in Ocean City 2017 shirts with buzzcut hicklet children named Colt, and whatnot. Indeed, places like Old Country Buffet and Golden Corral are one step up from school cafeterias, and that's
- [I Need Your Feedback On Hot Dogs And Hamburgers](https://thewvsr.com/i-need-your-feedback-on-hot-dogs-and-hamburgers/) - How goes it, boys and girls? As I type this it's a wondrous Monday holiday. And, because I'm always fond of super-sizing, I took tomorrow off as well. So, I'm in the midst of a big honkin' four-day weekend. Like I say, wondrous. I just finished watching the Reds defeat the Phillies 11-1, it’s sunny
- [What's The One Craziest Thing You Witnessed At Each Of Your Jobs?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-one-craziest-thing-you-witnessed-at-each-of-your-jobs/) - My plan, when I started this one, was to share one insane story from each of my main jobs throughout my life. But I quickly realized that it would translate into 10,000 words or something ludicrous. So, I'll just do the West Virginia jobs -- the stoopid early ones, when I was young, Jiffy-Popped, and
- [How Far From Your Childhood Home Do You Live?](https://thewvsr.com/how-far-from-your-childhood-home-do-you-live/) - As you can see, I'm about 495 miles from Dunbar, WV -- my hometown. But I've also been 251 miles (Greensboro, NC), 507 miles (Atlanta, GA), and 2324 miles (Santa Clarita, CA). When I was young I repeatedly proclaimed that I'd never leave West Virginia, and meant it. I'm not sure what that was rooted
- [In Celebration Of Cussing, Cursing, Swearing And The Use Of Foul Language!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-cussing-cursing-swearing-and-the-use-of-foul-language/) - How goes it, my friends? I took today off from work, and am operating at a decidedly casual pace. I just polished off a Moe's burrito. I hadn't been inside that place in years, possibly five or more. I'm not a huge fan. I believe Chipotle is roughly a million times better. But, on a
- [What Did You Have For Lunch Today? I Tried The New KFC Chicken Sandwich](https://thewvsr.com/what-did-you-have-for-lunch-today-i-tried-the-new-kfc-chicken-sandwich/) - I apologize in advance. This one is going to be a quickie, 'cause I gots no time. As I type this, the younger boy is heading over to KFC to purchase, on my behalf, their much ballyhooed new chicken sandwich. My instructions: If it comes in a meal, get the meal. If not, just get
- [What Were You Doing On March 9, 1999?](https://thewvsr.com/what-were-you-doing-on-march-9-1999/) - That's the day I registered this domain. A little over 22 years ago! Is that not crazy? For the record I wanted wvsr.com, which was taken, even back in those early internet days. And not by a radio station, either. Those guys are still chugging right along too. Godspeed, split rail folk! So, I had
- [In Celebration Of The Cheap-Ass Swill Beers!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-cheap-ass-swill-beers/) - A few days ago I saw a clickbait article that promised to rank the best "cheap" beers. I can't find the exact piece, which bugs me more than it should. But here are a bunch of similar ones: This one This one This one This one I could keep going, but you get the idea.
- [Do You Always Make Your Bed? And Other Assorted Questions Related To Sleep](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-always-make-your-bed-and-other-assorted-questions-related-to-sleep/) - I absolutely hate to climb into an unmade bed. Hate it! So... I make ours every day. Toney was previously more agnostic on the subject, but she's come around on it, too. Once in a great while I'm rushed and have to be somewhere earlier than normal, and it gets forgotten. And she doesn't like
- [I'm Going To Need Your Opinions On Pizza](https://thewvsr.com/im-going-to-need-your-opinions-on-pizza/) - I was told late in the day today that I'm needed at work early in the day tomorrow... so this one is going to be a quickie. I'd like to get your opinions on pizza. For instance, what are your favorite toppings? If you could choose three or fewer, which ones would you choose? Cheese
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 88](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-88/) - There's some kind of wicked stench in my car, and I can't find the source of it. It smells like rotting flesh. I have a feeling there's a gone-rogue chicken nugget wedged somewhere, and it's slowly decomposing. Last night, as I was leaving work, I found myself stretched across my backseat, shining the flashlight on
- [Check In: How's The Weather Where You Are?](https://thewvsr.com/check-in-hows-the-weather-where-you-are/) - This morning, before I even had my first cup of coffee, I was outside shoveling and cleaning off cars again. And, once again, I left work early last night on account o' the bullshit. It snows almost daily, and I am well and completely sick of it. That pic is the street in front of
- [Have You Ever Experienced Sleep Paralysis? It's Some Scary Shit!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-experienced-sleep-paralysis-its-some-scary-ass-shit/) - A couple two tree random things before we get started here: I'm scheduled to get my first dose of the vaccine tomorrow afternoon. It's through my job, and I signed up the moment I was eligible. Needless to say, there's differing opinions on it. But I'm totally onboard. We have to get this shit behind
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 33](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-33/) - The younger boy, as he's known, came down to the bunker an hour or so ago and showed me the photo above on his phone. He asked if I'd ever heard of Mark Cohen, and I said, "Of the Nashville Cohens?!" Which is both confusing and not nearly as funny as I'd hoped. Turns out,
- [Have You Ever Won Anything Significant While Gambling?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-won-anything-significant-while-gambling/) - I haven't but I'm not much of a gambler. I get no joy from it, only stress and regret. And where's the fun in that? But I'm fixin' to embark on a year-long gambling extravaganza. I was talking to my dad a few days ago, you see, and we were discussing the recent billion dollar
- [What Type Of House Would $250,000 Buy Where You Currently Live?](https://thewvsr.com/what-type-of-house-would-250000-buy-where-you-currently-live/) - Last night Toney and I watched two episodes of a new show on HGTV called Self-Made Mansions. It's basically House Hunters for people who recently became self-made millionaires. It's an odd premise, but whatever. We watch these kinds o' things. And there were a couple of things that struck me: Both couples seemed appreciative and
- [Have You Cut The Cord? Would You Recommend It?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-cut-the-cord-would-you-recommend/) - There's been some discussion here at the House of Kay about possibly shitcanning our always-rising cable bill and going with an all-streaming alternative. I feel like I'd be cool with it, 'cause I watch very little TV. But some other members o' the family might feel differently. At least that's what I anticipate. Have you
- [Remember When Shopping Malls Used To Be Kinda Fun?](https://thewvsr.com/remember-when-shopping-malls-used-to-be-kinda-fun/) - Not anymore. At this point malls offer little more than expensive clothing for the young and angular, jewelry stores (why so many jewelry stores?!), hideous shoes, and unreasonable underwear for high school girls. I don't really fit into any of that (so to speak). On the rare occasion Toney drags me to one of those
- [Are You A Collector? What Do You Collect? Tell Us About It](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-a-collector-what-do-you-collect-tell-us-about-it/) - In 1975 I was 12 years old, and obsessed with baseball. During that summer my brother and a couple of friends decided we were each going to attempt to build complete sets of that year's baseball cards. And we were going to do it the only way we knew how: by buying pack after pack
- [The Good Vegetables vs. The Bad Vegetables!](https://thewvsr.com/the-good-vegetables-vs-the-bad-vegetables/) - What's your relationship with the veggies? I encounter a surprising number of people -- adult humans -- who reportedly never eat them at all. Except, they always say with a smirk, french fries and potato chips. This is foreign to me. I've always loved nearly every vegetable, since I was a little kid. I don't
- [I Feel Like I'm The Oldest Person In Every Situation](https://thewvsr.com/i-feel-like-im-the-oldest-person-in-every-situation/) - I'm starting to get paranoid. I find myself routinely surveying the people around me, and looking for someone (anyone!) who might be a little older than I am. And I often come up empty. I'm an old man at this point, and don't even like to tell people my age. This is a relatively new
- [We Haven't Had Any Heat At Our House Since Thursday Evening!](https://thewvsr.com/we-havent-had-any-heat-at-our-house-since-thursday-evening/) - When I came home from work on Thursday night I walked through the door and bellowed (to nobody), "What in the long sleeved shit?! Why is it so cold in here??" I walked straight to the thermostat and gave it a little extra juice. Then I went to bed an hour or so later, without
- [Guest Post From Producer Zipp: Nixon On The Moon](https://thewvsr.com/guest-post-from-producer-zipp-nixon-on-the-moon/) - Hey everyone, this is K. Thomas Zipperer, or Producer Zipp, as Jeff so lovingly calls me, and the big dog himself has given me a shot at the Surf Report, so I’m gonna try a little harder than I normally do at stuff to impress you. Anywho, it’s Halloween, one of the best, if not
- [What's The Craziest Thing You Ever Witnessed At A Party?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-craziest-thing-you-ever-witnessed-at-a-party/) - While I was in West Virginia last weekend my parents took me out for a grand tour of the area. I mean, I grew up there and know it like the back o' my hand, but things change a little here and a little there. And we always go out in the car and just
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 50](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-50/) - As mentioned, Producer Zipp sat in for me on the podcast while I was out o' town recently. You can hear it here. In the episode, he tells a story about a crafty raccoon that kept attacking his flock of ducks and chickens. He mentioned that once the beast was finally dispatched, he hung its
- [Some Photos From Our Just-Ended Myrtle Beach Trip!](https://thewvsr.com/some-photos-from-our-just-ended-myrtle-beach-trip/) - I'm going to post some photos here, over the next couple o' days, of our just-ended trip to Myrtle Beach. And, by the way, I'd rate the vacation a big fat A. Two days were a little cool and rainy, and that's the only reason I didn't go with A+. A fantastic trip! This is
- [New Podcast Episode Available: Hosted By Producer Zipp!](https://thewvsr.com/new-podcast-episode-available-hosted-by-producer-zipp/) - Ahoy, Surf Reporters! I just wanted to drop in real fast and alert you to a new episode of the podcast, hosted by Producer Zipp. He graciously offered to sit in for me while I was on vacation, and he turned out a great episode! Check it out. Also, just so you know... I'm allowing
- [I'll Be Back In About A Week And A Half](https://thewvsr.com/ill-be-back-in-about-a-week-and-a-half/) - Follow us on Instagram to keep track of the Myrtle Beach shenanigans. It's a well-earned vacation, my friends. Well fucking earned. And, just so you know, I've been forced to turn off comments at the site, because of some folks' absolute inability to stop injecting politics into everything. It's insane, but whatever. If you want
- [Recommendation: My All-Time Favorite Rock n Roll Quantum Physics Movie](https://thewvsr.com/recommendation-my-all-time-favorite-rock-n-roll-quantum-physics-movie/) - OK, it's the only one I've ever seen, and probably the only one that exists. But that's neither here nor there. Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives is a great documentary. And it's great not only because it features one of my favorite indie rock stars -- Mark Everett of the Eels. It's because it's well-executed, I
- [What Do You Think Would Be The Pros And Cons Of Standing Nine Feet Tall?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-would-be-the-pros-and-cons-of-standing-nine-feet-tall/) - Robert Wadlow was reportedly 8' 11", and is the tallest person in recorded history. Here's his Wikipedia page, which contains a lot of amazing facts. Back during the '70s, when I was in Jr. High School, we were obsessed with the Guinness Book of World Records (it was a simpler time) and Robert Wadlow --
- [Random Notes From The Bunker, vol. 81](https://thewvsr.com/random-notes-from-the-bunker-vol-81/) - Apparently the Temple University experiment is over already. We took the younger boy down there eight days ago, and last night they "paused" in-person classes for two weeks. So... we're bringing him back home. Good stuff. I'm glad we burned so many anxiety calories on that crap. Yesterday a woman at work, whose first language
- [The Younger Boy Is Going Away To College And I'm Freaking Out A Bit](https://thewvsr.com/the-youngest-boy-is-going-away-to-college-and-im-freaking-out-a-bit/) - He went to a local school and got his associate's degree, but is now going to Temple University to finish his bachelor's. We've known this for a long time, of course. But now it's about to freaking happen, and whenever I think about it my stomach drops. Not that I worry about him getting into
- [What Sounds Cause You To Wince And Grimace?](https://thewvsr.com/what-sounds-cause-you-to-wince-and-grimace/) - Toney and I were talking about sounds that drive us crazy yesterday. I have a bunch o' them, and so does she. However, they don't overlap much. And she thinks my list is ridiculous, while hers is perfectly logical. It's funny how that works, right? She says for her it's all "human" sounds. Including, but
- [Are You A Super-Picky Eater? Will You At Least Try Stuff?](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-a-super-picky-eater-will-you-at-least-try-stuff/) - That's the thing. There are items on this list that I don't like, but I know I don't like them... because I've tried them a few times. I've met many people who say they don't like a long, long list of things they've never tasted. That bugs me. Also, there's no shortage (amazingly enough) of
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 20](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-20-2/) - Toney and I made our triumphant return to one of our favorite watering holes on Sunday. Here I am enjoying a Wallenpaupack Largemouth IPA at Backyard Ale House in Scranton. We had to make reservations online, and were allotted a one-hour block o' time to eat, drink and be merry. It was great to be
- [How Has The Lockdown Affected You Personally?](https://thewvsr.com/how-has-the-lockdown-affected-you-personally/) - Before we get started here, I want to make it clear that I'm not whining. And this isn't some super-serious exercise, either. And if we're all still alive and haven't lost anyone to the virus, we should consider ourselves lucky. And all that. So, if you're inclined to lecture me from atop the high horse,
- [What Do You Eat When You're Hungry Between Normal Feeding Times?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-eat-when-youre-hungry-between-normal-feeding-times/) - You know, like a late Saturday afternoon? Lunch is in the rear view mirror and dinner is still hours away. You're hungry as a sumbitch, and something needs to happen. Or it's 8 pm, and dinner didn't quite fill the void? Chips and crap like that just ain't gonna get it done. You need some
- [Ranking The Candy Bars!](https://thewvsr.com/my-attempt-at-ranking-the-candy-bars/) - Last time we shared the candies we dislike, and today I'm going to make an effort to rank my Top 5 favorite candy bars. I don't eat them all that often anymore, but I've rifled-down enough during my ridiculous life to have an opinion. And it's difficult to limit it to just five. However... if
- [What Do You Think Are The World's Worst Candies?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-are-the-worlds-worst-candies/) - I touched on this subject briefly in the latest episode of the WORLD FAMOUS podcast, and would like to get your thoughts. I spoke about a few candies that I would put in the "terrible" category, including Circus Peanuts, Milk Duds (dental destroyers), those wax bottles with a quarter-ounce of Kool-Aid inside (as well as
- [In Celebration Of Towns With Strange Or Ridiculous Names!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-towns-with-strange-or-ridiculous-names/) - I stumbled across a questionable webpage a couple of days ago that lists "unusual" town names in West Virginia. Here it is. I've never heard of any o' those places, but wouldn't mind calling Pie, WV home. Ya know? There were some towns around us, while I was growing up, that had crazy names. Places
- [This Is A No Politics Zone](https://thewvsr.com/this-is-a-no-politics-zone/) - It pains me that I have to remind everyone of this, but nobody gives a thin ribbon of shit about your opinions on Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, or even Calvin "The Wad" Coolidge. Please knock it off. I'm now receiving emails begging me to step in and "fix" the comments section. I will simply remind
- [Have You Enjoyed Anything About The Lockdown So Far?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-enjoyed-anything-about-the-lockdown-so-far/) - Yeah, I know. It's not supposed to be enjoyed. I realize the gravity of the situation, and don't need a lecture, thank you very much; please leave your high horse in the corral before entering. I'd just like to know if you've found anything kinda pleasant about this situation so far. Anything at all? I
- [Do You Drink Coffee? How Much Per Day? What Do You Put In It?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-drink-coffee-how-much-per-day-what-do-you-put-in-it/) - I had a follow-up appointment with my far-too-casual ("Hey, man!") doctor a few days ago and he told me I should cut down on the amount o' coffee I ingest daily. Which caused my brow to furrow and stay that way for a long time. Then he told me that the thimble of joe I
- [What's Your Favorite Fast Food Offering That's No Longer Being Offered?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-favorite-fast-food-offering-thats-no-longer-being-offered/) - I can't remember the circumstances that led me to actually try the McWrap at McDonald's. It seems wildly out of character for me. I mean, seriously. But I gave the chicken and ranch wrap a try, shortly after it was introduced, and loved it. Of course, I ordered it without the ranch dressing, on account
- [How Many Individual Houses Or Apartments (Or Whatever) Have You Lived In During Your Life?](https://thewvsr.com/how-many-individual-houses-or-apartments-or-whatever-have-you-lived-in-during-your-life/) - It feels like I've lived in a lot of different places. And I've had a fairly stable life, compared to Toney (for instance) who was raised by a crazy person who insisted on bouncing from apartment to house to apartment throughout her early life. I don't think she could even begin to make a list
- [Which Specific Grocery Item Would You Prefer To Be Featured On The Back Of Your Expensive Jacket?](https://thewvsr.com/which-specific-grocery-item-would-you-prefer-to-be-featured-on-the-back-of-your-expensive-jacket/) - The younger boy sent me this photo today, which he snapped on the mean streets of Scranton. What do you think is going on here?? Is it some kind of NASCAR thing? Or does this fashionable gentleman simply have a passion for the Double Stuf Oreos and feels compelled to do his evangelical duty? Perhaps
- [Do You Have Any Prized Autographs? Which One Is The Most-Prized?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-any-prized-autographs-which-one-is-the-most-prized/) - I procured this Mickey Mantle autograph in-person when I was 12 or 13 years old. The retired baseball legend was scheduled to do an appearance at The Diamond, a great old now-defunct department store in Charleston. Super-exciting! So, Steve, my brother and I took a bus up there and joined the sizable crowd with some
- [How Many Working TVs Do You Have In Your House?](https://thewvsr.com/how-many-working-tvs-do-you-have-in-your-house/) - We only have two, 'cause Toney has a strong belief that televisions should not be in bedrooms. I think I felt the same way but didn't consider it enough to formalize an actual life rule, or whatever you want to call it. But I'm fine with it, it feels right. So, we have a 40-inch
- [Big News! First Update To The Rankings In Decades!!](https://thewvsr.com/big-news-first-update-to-the-rankings-in-decades/) - I explain it all in the most recent episode of the podcast, but I've done a lot of soul-searching, my friends, and decided to take the monumental step of flip-flopping Summer and Winter in the seasonal ranking chart. Oh, this is big. The rankings have remained static for many decades. Until now. I hope this
- [Some Poll Results From My High School Yearbook!](https://thewvsr.com/some-poll-results-from-my-high-school-yearbook/) - I was looking at my high school yearbook today and there are a couple of pages near the back where they list the results of poll questions they asked all seniors that year. Some of the more interesting ones are: Favorite food 1. Pizza 2. Tacos 3. T-Bone I don't remember people eating a lot
- [What Do You Think About This "Poop Calendar" Somebody Posted On Reddit?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-about-this-poop-calendar-somebody-posted-on-reddit/) - The first thing that crossed my mind when I saw it? If I'd thought of something like that, I definitely would've done it! Especially ten or so years ago. In any case, this is supposedly a yearlong recap of some unknown Reddit user's asstivity last year. As you can see, there are three possibilities: zero,
- [Clumsy Translation Shirts! Transfer The Fun Berry!!](https://thewvsr.com/clumsy-translation-shirts-transfer-the-fun-berry/) - Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!
- [Why? Why? Why? vol. 14](https://thewvsr.com/why-why-why-vol-14/) - Why? #1: I recently overheard two people (purposely vague) talking about how they MUST sleep while wearing socks, and I find this to be bizarre if not borderline psychotic. I know it's a matter of personal preference, but how in the name of all that's holy could somebody prefer such a thing? It's crazy. Why
- [Tell Us About Your First Apartment! How Old Were You? What Kind Of Furniture Did You Have? Did Anything Crazy Happen There?](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-your-first-apartment-how-old-were-you-what-kind-of-furniture-did-you-have-did-anything-crazy-happen-there/) - That's Sedgefield Gardens in Greensboro, NC, where I rented my first apartment at the age of 22. I ended up living in three different units inside that place across four-or-so years. It wasn't bad at all and is apparently unchanged (according to the pics) from 30 years ago. The legendary Peaches Records, where I worked,
- [Weird Old Ads: Please Help Me Understand What's Going On Here](https://thewvsr.com/weird-old-ads-please-help-me-understand-whats-going-on-here/) - Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!
- [Random Notes! Some Links! A Few Quick Things!](https://thewvsr.com/random-notes-some-links-a-few-quick-things/) - It's been one hell of a week, my friends. And it ain't over. Already today I've had my windshield repaired, although the guy couldn't tell me if it'll pass inspection. I gave him the international sign for WTF? but he would not abandon the company line. We'll see tomorrow, I guess. What a bunch of
- [Another Twisted Childhood Memory!](https://thewvsr.com/another-twisted-childhood-memory/) - Yesterday morning I was talking with my brother on the phone and one of us brought up a picture our dad used to carry in his wallet. This was when we were very young, but both of us remember it vividly. It was a weird-looking man, or possibly woman, with a very long neck. And
- [A Great New Addition To The Bunker Collection!](https://thewvsr.com/a-great-new-addition-to-the-bunker-collection/) - I'm going to have to get this thing framed, so it's not currently on display. But it will be soon, and I'm excited to have it. In my home office, I try to surround myself with small tributes to the things that have meant a lot to me and have long craved something from Jean
- [Ads Vs. Reality: The Burger King Taco!](https://thewvsr.com/ads-vs-reality-the-burger-king-taco/) - THESE THINGS have been around for a while now, and (needless to say) I've been intrigued. I was fired up and ready to go all-in on 'em during the week they were released. But a guy at work took the wind out of my sails a bit. He got to them before I did and
- [Fresh Podcast Action For Patrons! Ep. 73: Our Cosmic Velocity Reports!](https://thewvsr.com/fresh-podcast-action-for-patrons-ep-73-our-cosmic-velocity-reports/) - FOLLOWING a protracted problem with our internet service (grrr..), I was finally able to upload this week's Patreon episode. It's available now for all $4 and above patrons, right here. And this is the summary: In this one, I tell you about an inexplicable song I recently had stuck in my head, the 40th anniversary
- [My Ass Continues To Wage Unrelenting War On Denim!](https://thewvsr.com/my-ass-continues-to-wage-unrelenting-war-on-denim/) - LOOK AT THAT! In case you can't tell, it's the upper right side of the left pocket. That's where they always give way. Without exception. And why is that? Why there, specifically? I mean, I've been blaming the ass itself for this unstoppable destruction. And rightly so. I mean, there's a substantial amount of volume
- [Fresh Podcast Action! Ep. 72: Corporate Christmas Parties!](https://thewvsr.com/fresh-podcast-action-ep-72-corporate-christmas-parties/) - I HAD PROBLEMS with the site today, but it appears to be fixed. For a couple of hours, I could not get into the control panel. When I attempted to log in I just got a white screen with the word "Error" in the upper left-hand corner. I checked other sites I own (and have
- [Stolen Directly From Reddit! A Fun Question I Didn't Think Of Myself!](https://thewvsr.com/stolen-directly-from-reddit-a-fun-question-i-didnt-think-of-myself/) - I visit Reddit daily, mostly the Cincinnati Reds page, but others as well. And occasionally I see something that triggers a Surf Report Question of the Day. Today, for instance, I noticed the question below and thought, "Huh, I like that... I wish I'd thought of it myself." Here it is: If you can't see
- [We're Still Live In Canada!](https://thewvsr.com/were-still-live-in-canada/) - With Amazon, I mean. Their American counterparts decided I was no longer to their liking, but the Canadians are always kinder, eh? So, if you're north o' the border I'd love to suggest this really cool website where you can buy a lot of things, many things. Here's the link. If you're in the market
- [This Might Be The Best Photo I've Snapped Since The Legendary Funnelpants!](https://thewvsr.com/this-might-be-the-best-photo-ive-snapped-since-the-legendary-funnelpants/) - It's from Saturday night at Backyard Ale House in Scranton, a truly great bar/restaurant. We're seated by the front window, and he's outside having a smoke. We can see out, but he can't see in. Result: magic! One of my all-time favorites. Here's the legendary Mr. Funnelpants, who is also a fave. I'm not sure
- [I'm A Day Tripper And Have Some Hideous Baseball Cards To Prove It!](https://thewvsr.com/im-a-day-tripper-and-have-some-hideous-baseball-cards-to-prove-it/) - In this week's podcast episode, I talk about my recent trip to Cooperstown, NY. Here's the summary for ya: In this one, I share an update on the subject I ranted about in the previous episode, tell you about my latest fixation, and launch into a lengthy description of my Friday day-trip to Cooperstown, NY
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 64](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-64/) - I posted the above graphic on Facebook a few days ago, but find it interesting so I'm posting it here too. It's supposedly baseball territory, where fans for each team live. So, the Angels and White Sox have no fans? I'm unclear. How accurate is this thing? All I know is... the Reds info seems
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 116](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-116/) - In the latest episode of the podcast, I talk about running into someone from work in an unlikely place. It blew my mind a little. I'd like to know about the crazy places you've encountered people you know. While traveling, perhaps? I remember when I was a kid we'd always see people from Dunbar in
- [What Do You Do For Lunch At Work?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-do-for-lunch-at-work/) - I'm in the midst of a work-lunch crisis, my friends, and have decided to take drastic action. Yes, you guessed it, I've now reached a level of desperation where I'm planning to take my own food. ...Will somebody please hold me? This is uncharted territory, and I'm a little scared. You can hear me go
- [What Do You Remember About 4th Grade?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-remember-about-4th-grade/) - I'm talking specifically about school, but liked that picture so much I used it anyway. Is it real? I don't think he's going to make it. And ol' Hangover Johnny over there on the porch needs to step in. Right? In any case, do you have any interesting memories of 4th Grade? I do, and
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 92](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-92-2/) - Sorry I've been away for so long. It wasn't planned, it just sorta happened. I'll try not to let it happen again. Ahem. I have a few odds and ends for you guys today: shit's been building up. So, let's get to it, shall we? -- I was recently in West Virginia, visiting my parents.
- [In Celebration Of Webcams And (Ugh) Bucket Lists!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-webcams-and-ugh-bucket-lists/) - Remember when webcams were amazing? Back when they were new and novel? I'm not talking about porn, you filthy perv, I'm talking about a fixed camera somewhere, just streaming everyday life back to our respective bunkers. I remember being fairly obsessed with one that broadcast 24/7 from a laundromat in France. The place was called
- [Do You Still Buy Music In Some Way, Or Is It Just 100% Streaming At This Point?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-still-buy-music-in-some-way-or-is-it-just-100-streaming-at-this-point/) - I've been around a long time, dating all the way back to the days of the 8-track tape. Indeed, I remember playing the everlovin' hell out of the second(?!) Foreigner album in that format, when I was in Jr. High. I also had a lot of Beatles music on 8-track, as well as Out of
- [Road Stories and Photos From The Pittsburgh and Cincinnati Extravaganza: Volume Two](https://thewvsr.com/road-stories-and-photos-from-the-pittsburgh-and-cincinnati-extravaganza-volume-two/) - Do you consider that breakfast? At our fancy-ass hotel in Cincinnati, they do. I say, "Where go the hashbrowns? Where go the bacon strips?!" Oh well. It was "free." And I use the term about as loosely as you possibly can. I mentioned in the podcast that I heard a trip-hop version of 'Swingin' Party'
- [Road Stories and Photos From The Pittsburgh and Cincinnati Extravaganza: Volume One](https://thewvsr.com/road-stories-and-photos-from-the-pittsburgh-and-cincinnati-extravaganza-volume-one/) - That's a photo of Jack White taken from the stage of the Raconteurs show we attended on Tuesday of last week, in Pittsburgh. We're out there somewhere. I can't find my pasty face in the crowd, but we were there and pretty damn close, too. Fun time! And the fact that it was only a
- [What Are Some Things You're Supposed To Enjoy But Do Not?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-some-things-youre-supposed-to-enjoy-but-do-not/) - I'm working today, then it's vacation time again. I think we might've gone a little overboard with the travel this year. We'll be dialing it back a bit from here. I mean... we didn't go on any around-the-world cruises or anything extravagant like that. It's just too frequent. And even a trip to Cincinnati, which
- [Do You Like Your Name? How Did Your Parents Do In The Baby-Naming Department? What Would You Change It To?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-like-your-name-how-did-your-parents-do-in-the-baby-naming-department-what-would-you-change-it-to/) - My parents played it safe. As you can see by this graphic, which I found on some random, questionable website, Jeff/Jeffrey was enjoying its highest level of popularity around the time I did a forward-roll into the world. In fact, I believe it was the most popular boy name of the day. I could look
- [Have You Met Any Celebrities? Were They Friendly, Rude, Or Indifferent? Tell Us About It!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-met-any-celebrities-were-they-friendly-rude-or-indifferent-tell-us-about-it/) - Over the weekend I had a brief encounter with John O'Hurley, who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld. It consisted of the following: Me: Hey, would you mind if I get a picture? Him: I don't believe he actually said anything to me. He might've grunted an acknowledgment
- [I Used Up All The Good Topics In The Podcast, So Here's The Podcast](https://thewvsr.com/i-used-up-all-the-good-topics-in-the-podcast-so-heres-the-podcast/) - I'm way off schedule on my podcastin' duties, but I did release a new episode last night that covers all the "important" shit going on around here. Including, but not limited to: My Ancestry DNA results Toney's Ancestry results, which are far more controversial The rambunctious wiener dog we're apparently keeping for a week(?!) My
- [Do You Have A Problem Doing Things Alone? Like Eating In Restaurants Or Seeing Movies Or Even Vacationing?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-a-problem-doing-things-alone-like-eating-in-restaurants-or-seeing-movies-or-even-vacationing/) - I generally don't. I'm introverted and thrive on alone time. In fact, I crave it. There's a limit, though. I've lived alone a few times, usually after breakups, and didn't enjoy it a whole lot. But if the rest o' my life is kinda-sorta under control, and it's just an afternoon or a day or
- [How Much Sleep Do You Require? How Much Do You Get?](https://thewvsr.com/how-much-sleep-do-you-require-how-much-do-you-get/) - Sleep is creepy, it's well-documented. It's death lite, a weird insect-like dormancy that we all accept as normal. In fact, there are whole industries built around this terrifying daily freakishness. Including, but not limited to, the MyPillow guy. And maybe even the Trivago guy. Can you imagine the first person who started to feel sleepy
- [Here Are Some Phrases That Should Be Retired From Social Media Immediately](https://thewvsr.com/here-are-some-phrases-that-should-be-retired-from-social-media-immediately/) - I'm looking at that graphic and realize I've never used LinkedIn. I might have an account, but I'm not sure. And I've never seen SnapChat. I'm not even sure what it is. I use YouTube, of course, but have never posted anything there. A few days ago I checked to see if 'thewvsr' was available
- [How Paranoid Do You Think You Are?](https://thewvsr.com/how-paranoid-do-you-think-you-are/) - Toney ordered us two Ancestry DNA kits on a whim this past weekend. It'll be interesting to see the results, 'cause it's all a big mystery to me. I think our branch of the Kay family has lived in West Virginia since long before there was a West Virginia. We're not really sure about our
- [I Was Summoned To Jury Duty! How Many Times Has This Happened To You?](https://thewvsr.com/i-was-summoned-to-jury-duty-how-many-times-has-this-happened-to-you/) - I'm fairly certain this was only the third time I've been called, during my entire ridiculous life. Twice to Lackawanna County Court in Scranton, and once to Los Angeles County, but after we'd already moved here. So, I've only actually reported twice. It seems like some people are called all the time, but not me.
- [Have You Ever Lived Somewhere With A Homeowners' Association? How Was It?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-lived-somewhere-with-a-homeowners-association-how-was-it/) - When we were in Atlanta we had an HOA, but it was about as half-assed as they come. I'm not even sure what their role was, beyond collecting the yearly fee. It was probably just maintenance of the community pool, and maybe mowing grass in the common areas, and that sort of thing. We never
- [Do You Have Any Direct Experience With Tornadoes? I Don't And Would Like To Keep It That Way](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-any-direct-experience-with-tornadoes-i-dont-and-would-like-to-keep-it-that-way/) - How's that for subtlety? Obviously, I'm promoting the use of our fancy new podcast hotline. You can call it any time, and leave a question, suggestion, or comment and there's a good chance I'll include it in a future episode of the world famous Surf Report podcast. I've featured three or four already and it
- [Have You Ever Almost Hit Somebody With Your Car? I Have!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-almost-hit-somebody-with-your-car-i-have/) - You can hear all about it in the new episode of the Surf Report podcast. I mean... this was the closest of close calls, my friends. It makes me anxious whenever I think about it, which is approximately once per minute. Click here, or snag it from wherever you get podcasts of the highest quality.
- [Should I Be Satisfied Or Somewhat Annoyed With This Customer Service Experience?](https://thewvsr.com/should-i-be-satisfied-or-somewhat-annoyed-with-this-customer-service-experience/) - In the Monday episode of the podcast, I told you guys about a situation I found myself in with Amazon. You can listen to it here. I'll briefly recap it now, but you'll get loads more detail in the show... 'cause I went on and on about it. Recap: I ordered a Kindle Fire tablet
- [Which Is A Better Day Off? Monday Or Friday?](https://thewvsr.com/which-is-a-better-day-off-monday-or-friday/) - I'm not off today, unfortunately. And I wasn't off on Friday, either. But Toney and I had this conversation over the weekend and agreed for once. Having a Monday off is better than having a Friday off. What do you think? My reasoning: Fridays are the best day of the workweek because people are powering-down
- [We Now Have A Podcast Hotline! Call In And Leave A Message And It Might Be Featured In A Future Episode!](https://thewvsr.com/we-now-have-a-podcast-hotline-call-in-and-leave-a-message-and-it-might-be-featured-in-a-future-episode/) - I mean... if somebody calls and just shouts racial slurs for three minutes I won't be using it. But you know what I mean. If it's reasonable and engaging, I'll probably include it in a future show. It's set up for voicemail, no human will ever answer the number. You'll hear my pre-recorded raspy hillbilly
- [Which Fast Food Chain Serves The Best French Fries?](https://thewvsr.com/which-fast-food-chain-serves-the-best-french-fries/) - To tell you the truth, fries are not my favorite part o' the fast food meal. In fact, I could go without them and the enjoyment factor would not suffer much. Is that shocking, or controversial? A man of my physical stature speaking such blasphemy? It happens to be the truth. However, I have no
- [What Is The Coolest Or Craziest Thing You've Ever Found At A Flea Market, Antique Shop, Secondhand Store, Etc.?](https://thewvsr.com/what-is-the-coolest-or-craziest-thing-youve-ever-found-at-a-flea-market-antique-shop-secondhand-store-etc/) - I have a kind of love/hate relationship with flea markets. They're generally loaded with crap I have no interest in, like socks. Why are there so many socks being sold at flea markets?? And handmade crafty stuff (ugh!). And garbage like sparkly cell phone cases and chargers that will likely burn your house to the
- [Myrtle Beach 2019: Eating And Drinking Near Water!](https://thewvsr.com/myrtle-beach-2019-eating-and-drinking-near-water/) - As I was leaving my job for our big Myrtle Beach extravaganza somebody warned me not to get sunburned. And I responded, "Oh, that's not what this is about. It's all about eating and drinking near water." And somehow I crystalized the theme of the trip quite well, in a semi-smartass off-hand remark. So, in
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 316](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-316/) - Did you see where a man from Hong Kong fell to his death in the Grand Canyon a few days ago? Here's an article about it. And I'm surprised this kind of thing even merits an article at this point. It must happen daily, right? I have no data on it, I'm only guessing. When
- [Do You Know Anyone Who Has No Sense Of Humor At All, And Realizes It? Also, Which Type Of Office Comedian Do You Like The Least?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-know-anyone-who-has-no-sense-of-humor-at-all-and-realizes-it-also-which-type-of-office-comedian-do-you-like-the-least/) - I find George Stephanopoulos to be mildly fascinating because I don't believe he has a sense of humor. I mean... I don't know him, obviously. I'm just basing this on what I've seen. And I've seen no evidence whatsoever that his brain is serving up witticisms on a regular basis. However, and this is the
- [What's A Food Or Drink You'll Never Touch Again, Because Of A Bad Experience?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-a-food-or-drink-youll-never-touch-again-because-of-a-bad-experience/) - But first, look at this bullshit. I took this photo from our front porch about fifteen minutes ago. And it had been like spring... We were talking about our lawn mowing options, just yesterday! That's not a light dusting, it's a real snow. Sure, it'll be gone quickly. But it's a demoralizing turn of events,
- [What Are Your Top Three Favorite Sodas? And Various Other Soda-Themed Questions](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-top-three-favorite-sodas-and-various-other-soda-themed-questions/) - Yeah, yeah. I know some misguided people call it pop, but I call it the correct thing: soda. I took a look at this map and it just confused me, so I clicked out of it. I can't tell if I'm in the pop belt or the soda band, or where exactly I fall geographically.
- [Have You Ever Walked Out Of A Movie Or A Concert Or Something Similar?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-walked-out-of-a-movie-or-a-concert-or-something-similar/) - Before it was finished, I mean. Of course, you've walked out of a movie. I mean... you're not still there, right? But have you ever been so bored or disgusted by the proceedings you just said fukkit and extracted yourself? I can't really remember leaving a movie before it was over. There were certainly a
- [Have You Ever Witnessed Anything Remarkable In A Convenience Store? Please Tell Us About It!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-witnessed-anything-remarkable-in-a-convenience-store-please-tell-us-about-it/) - While we were in high school, during the summer months, a bunch of us bought some beer and went to a friend's grandparents' house to drink 'em. This was during the middle of the afternoon. The grandparents were out of town, so we thoughtfully turned their house into party central for a day. Rocky was
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 79](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-79/) - Have you ever considered buying a dashcam? Like with other things, I scoffed and mocked them when they first came out, and now I'm intrigued. That's the circle of life for me: 1) instantly dismiss 2) mock the people who did not also dismiss 3) begrudgingly become intrigued 4) buy one and tell everybody else
- [We Survived Sunday's Ridiculous Rock 'n' Roll Adventure!](https://thewvsr.com/we-survived-sundays-ridiculous-rock-n-roll-adventure-but-it-sucked-it-my-friends/) - We made it to the show in Philly yesterday, and even more miraculously... made it back home early this morning. Was it fun? Well, the show itself was great, but everything else was fairly shit-spangled. If this doesn't earn me a bunch of "true fan" points, I don't know what will. And we all know
- [Has Your FUNK DAT! Threshold Lowered Through The Years? Mine Certainly Has](https://thewvsr.com/has-your-funk-dat-threshold-lowered-through-the-years-mine-certainly-has/) - I don't think this is anything new, but I'm now definitely in the "screw it... who needs the hassle?" stage of my life. I think it kicked in around age 33. That's just an estimate, but I think it's accurate. Prior to that, I was up for almost anything, at any time. And I mocked
- [Do You Have Any Summer Travel Plans? We Have Some Unusual Stuff Scheduled](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-any-summer-travel-plans-we-have-some-unusual-stuff-scheduled/) - In just a few weeks Toney and I will be DRIVING (ugh!) to Myrtle Beach, and staying at a so-called retro motel. In fact, it's the one above. It was built in 1963, and over the past few years, somebody has poured millions o' dollars into it to bring it back to like-new condition. All
- [Which Breakfast Club Type Were You In High School? Also, What Would The 17 Year Old You Think About The 2019 You?](https://thewvsr.com/which-breakfast-club-type-were-you-in-high-school-also-what-would-the-17-year-old-you-think-about-the-2019-you/) - I haven't watched The Breakfast Club in many years, and can't remember a lot of details about it. But I do know I liked it. And that's the way it goes, at this point. I often remember few particulars about old movies or TV shows, but still recall my initial feelings about them. And often
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 66](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-66/) - I had one of those early morning "special projects" at work on Sunday. They happen every once in a while, and I dread 'em with a vigorous passion, my friends. Not because of the project itself -- we've got that shit down to a science -- but because of the early morning aspect of it
- [What Do You Think About When You Think About Arkansas?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-about-when-you-think-about-arkansas/) - In a recent podcast episode, I was talking about the opinions and perceptions of different states, or regions of the country that people carry around with them that are sometimes (often?) dubious in nature. I encounter it with my own home state all the time. "West Virginia?!" people always say, before launching into a litany
- [Here's How I Ranked The Big Five Fast Food Chains! How Would You Do It?](https://thewvsr.com/heres-how-i-ranked-the-big-five-fast-food-chains-how-would-you-do-it/) - In the new episode of the world famous Jeff Kay Show podcast, I made a half-assed attempt to rank the Big Five fast food chains. You can listen here, or wherever you harvest your podcasts. Here's the summary: In this one I talk about the Polar Vortex, our younger son's upcoming visit to my parents'
- [It's Freaking Cold Out There! What Are Your Favorite Cold Weather Movies?](https://thewvsr.com/its-freaking-cold-out-there-what-are-your-favorite-cold-weather-movies/) - I took the trash out this morning, on account of it being trash day, and it felt like my lungs were filling with a hard frost. Sweet Maria! It's currently 1, so at least it's starting to warm up. Last night as I was driving home from work my car told me it was -4,
- [I Feel Like I've Lived In Two Different Worlds! Are You With Me On That?](https://thewvsr.com/i-feel-like-ive-lived-in-two-different-worlds-are-you-with-me-on-that/) - There are multiple videos on YouTube of teenagers attempting to use rotary phones. Like this one, and this one. They're extremely frustrating, for various reasons. For one thing... have they never seen a TV show or movie from the 1980s or prior? I mean, there are some pretty good ones out there. I understand not
- [Rock 'n' Roll Relics In Concert! Great Album Titles! Our Favorite Live Records!](https://thewvsr.com/rock-n-roll-relics-in-concert-great-album-titles-our-favorite-live-records/) - Some version of Mott the Hoople is scheduled to play in Philadelphia in April. Check it out. Ian Hunter is about 80 years old at this point. Yeah, I might have to go to that show. I'm not sure you can really call it Mott the Hoople, but it's Hunter performing the great old songs.
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 49](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-49-2/) - It's cold outside. Sweet sainted mother of Mr. Whipple! Right now my phone tells me it's 4 degrees, FEELS LIKE -8. I don't care for it. Yesterday I was out there cleaning off the cars and within a small number of minutes, it felt like my hands were on fire. This is bullshit. Yeah, yeah...
- [What Are Your Weekend Plans? Also, What's The Longest You've Ever Worked The Same Job?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-weekend-plans-also-whats-the-longest-youve-ever-worked-the-same-job/) - Apparently there's some kind of monster storm bearing down on us. Up to 16 inches of ice and snow. Yikes! The good news? It's supposed to happen over the weekend when I don't have to worry about getting to work, or feel guilty about NOT going. So, that part's good. The bad news? Shoveling all that
- [A 35 Year Wait To See One Of My Favorite Bands Is Coming To An End! Also, Please Share Your 'Grass Is Not Always Greener' Stories](https://thewvsr.com/a-35-year-wait-to-see-one-of-my-favorite-bands-is-coming-to-an-end-also-please-share-your-grass-is-not-always-greener-stories/) - A million years ago, give or take, I was encouraged to buy a compilation album called Pillows and Prayers. It was a collection of songs by artists who recorded for a British indie label called Cherry Red. I don't think I'd heard of any of the bands on it. But it was cheap, something like
- [Are You A Collector? What Are The Most Extreme Personal Collections You've Seen?](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-a-collector-what-are-the-most-extreme-personal-collections-youve-seen/) - I used to collect baseball cards. Yeah, I know that's not unusual. Lots of boys (and probably some girls) did that. But, over time, my collecting turned into something mildly insane. It wasn't just buying packs down at the corner store, sticking them in a shoebox and trying to get all the Reds players, or
- [You Can Thank Me Later: A Hidden Gem On Amazon! Also, The Release Of A Very Funny... Radio Drama Kind Of Thing](https://thewvsr.com/you-can-thank-me-later-a-hidden-gem-on-amazon-also-the-release-of-a-very-funny-radio-drama-kind-of-thing/) - I have a lingering cold. It feels like yesterday should've been the final day, but it's the visitor that will not leave. Oh well. At least it's just a cold, and not some vomit-launch high-fever diarrhea-catapult jamboree. I hear that's going around. In fact, I have no medical evidence of this, but I've convinced myself
- [How Many U.S. States Have You Visited? How Many Have You Lived In?](https://thewvsr.com/how-many-u-s-states-have-you-visited-how-many-have-you-lived-in/) - Above are the ones I've visited. I think it's 27, plus Washington D.C. For some reason, D.C. is listed on all the interactive map sites as a state. Unless I missed a headline somewhere along the way, it ain't a state. Oh well. According to this article, the average is 12 states visited. Seems low
- [Field Report: The All You Can Eat Chicken Plank Palooza](https://thewvsr.com/field-report-the-all-you-can-eat-chicken-plank-palooza/) - I realize I'm late with this report, but there was a little something called Christmas that happened since this spectacle took place. So, I hope you'll give me a bit of slack. Sheesh. In any case, I met a couple of friends at Long John Silver's last Sunday to see how much damage we could
- [Without Using Numbers, Tell Us How Old You Are](https://thewvsr.com/without-using-numbers-tell-us-how-old-you-are/) - I was just going to add this to the bottom of today's update, with three or four of my contributions to get the conversation going. Then I started having fun with it, and it's taken over the whole freaking thing. In fact, I have a feeling I'll continue to add stuff to my list even
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 24](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-24/) - How goes it, boys and girls? I hope it goes well. I'm a day late on this one, but that sort of thing will happen from time to time. I met Steve yesterday for lunch, as well as overslept a bit. And that knocked us out of business for a Thursday update. Oh well. He
- [What Was Your Grand Achievement Of The Weekend? Also, What Method Do You Use To Play Your Music These Days?](https://thewvsr.com/what-was-your-grand-achievement-of-the-weekend-also-how-do-you-play-your-music-these-days/) - That's a rare peek inside The Bunker, right there. As you can see, I successfully set up my new stereo. It was my grand achievement of the weekend. Hey, it's more than I usually get done... The hardest part was clearing out the hundreds of CDs that were previously stacked on that table. The actual
- [The List Of New Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductees Has Been Released!! ...Hello?](https://thewvsr.com/the-list-of-new-rock-and-roll-hall-of-fame-inductees-has-been-released-hello/) - The window of opportunity to write and post this update is more along the lines of a porthole, really. Meaning it's very small indeed. I have no time, my friends. So, I thought I'd just post my quick thoughts on the 2019 list of Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame inductees, which was announced today.
- [What Are The All-Time Best Inexpensive Holiday Gifts You've Ever Given Or Received?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-the-all-time-best-inexpensive-holiday-gifts-youve-ever-given-or-received/) - OK, I think I'm all better now. Well, not all better. That'll never happen. But I'm over my temper tantrum about Wordpress completely and utterly changing everything, creating a steep learning curve, and triggering a goddamn emotional crisis here in the House of Half-Ass. I apologize for my outburst on Thursday. Sheesh. It's like if
- [Blame WordPress For This Update! I Wash My Hands Of It](https://thewvsr.com/blame-wordpress-for-this-update-i-wash-my-hands-of-it/) - I am, at this moment, very confused. When I logged into Wordpress this morning everything was different. And I'm not talking about a handful of small enhancements. I mean it's like I'm using a brand new program that I've never seen before. What in the ass-wiping hell is going on?!Apparently, it's something called Gutenberg that,
- [I Entered To Win A Spectacular Prize! Have You Ever Actually Won Anything?](https://thewvsr.com/i-entered-to-win-a-spectacular-prize-have-you-ever-actually-won-anything/) - Before we get started with this one, let's get the formalities out of the way. First of all, I posted a new podcast episode -- available to everyone! -- at 12:01 AM on Monday. That's going to be the goal from now on... new episodes will be posted at 12:01. It's not always possible, but
- [I'm In The Midst Of A Severe Jean Crisis! Also, The Most Money We've Ever Spent On Something We Never Really Used](https://thewvsr.com/im-in-the-midst-of-a-severe-jean-crisis-also-the-most-money-weve-ever-spent-on-something-we-never-really-used/) - I'm having a jeans crisis. As you guys know, I regularly blow the full ass out of them and need to keep purchasing more. But the ones I like are becoming more and more difficult to find. So, I'm always behind the denim eight ball, forced to buy mysterious brands and unknown styles. And I
- [Our Favorite Movies About Real Musicians, And Some Other Non-Related Items](https://thewvsr.com/our-favorite-movies-about-real-musicians-and-some-other-non-related-items/) - How goes it? It goes well here, thanks for asking. I'm looking down the barrel of a four-day work week, then I'm off for several, some might even say many, days. So, I'm preparing to embark on a lame duck session between the just-expired weekend, and a wonderful vacation. Not really a fan of the
- [Ads vs. Reality: Thanksgiving Edition: Cracker Barrel Dinner For Six](https://thewvsr.com/ads-vs-reality-thanksgiving-edition-cracker-barrel-dinner-for-six/) - I probably could've done a better job with the presentation of the turkey and stuffing. I just left it in the aluminum tray, which doesn't look too inviting in the photo. But everything was good, and there are tons of leftovers. Next year we'll pick it up later in the day because we were forced
- [Updating An Earlier Story... Actually Three Of Them, Along With A Celebration Of Today's Lunch!](https://thewvsr.com/updating-an-earlier-story-actually-three-of-them-along-with-a-celebration-of-todays-lunch/) - Last time I mentioned how Thanksgiving dinner prep was already underway and my dream of a full-blown Cracker Barrel holiday would have to be put off for another year. Or at least until Christmas. Remember that? Well... I planted the seed and it's already bearing fruit. Or something. A few days ago Toney said, "Hey,
- [Snow! Pies! Outsourcing Thanksgiving To The Professionals! Drug Kingpins! Black Friday!](https://thewvsr.com/snow-pies-outsourcing-thanksgiving-to-the-professionals-drug-kingpins-black-friday/) - Snow is on the way, apparently. Fantastic. Isn't it a bit early in the season for this kind of madness? If it starts getting crazy out there, I might be taking another day off. Know what I'm saying? I have a 36-mile ride and am in no mood for "adventure." We'll see how it goes.
- [In Celebration Of Offhand Remarks About Our Physical Appearance!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-offhand-remarks-about-our-physical-appearance/) - Sunday morning I had to hoist my heft off the dormancy platform at the obscene hour of 4 am. You know, because of work boolshit? And it was painful, my friends. But, the thing is... I believe the dreading of it is even worse than the actual doing of it. Know what I mean? I
- [Our Worst Commutes! Our Best Commutes! And Some Other Crap Too!](https://thewvsr.com/our-worst-commutes-our-best-commutes-and-some-other-crap-too/) - I stayed home from work yesterday, 'cause I was sick. It's a rare turn of events, my friends. I almost never call off, but did yesterday. Tuesday night I didn't feel great, and yesterday I felt even worse. The moment I opened my eyes I knew I was in for a challenging day. And it
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 51](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-51/) - Is this picture newsworthy? It was reportedly snapped at the Carolina Panthers game yesterday, and I've seen it two or three times around the internet already. As if it's an unheard of turn of events. I suppose her methods are a bit audacious, but it's not unusual for drunken women to be in the men's
- [Caption Contest: The Costco Pointer!](https://thewvsr.com/caption-contest-the-costco-pointer/) - I snapped this photo on Saturday at Costco. The dude had an interesting look, right? I thought he was a perfect candidate for the Big Swollen Gallery of Street Photography that resides mostly inside my phone and in text messages to my brother. Then, as I was about to capture the moment, he pointed in
- [I Need Your Thoughts On An Obscure YouTube Video That Kinda Bugs Me](https://thewvsr.com/i-need-your-thoughts-on-an-obscure-youtube-video-that-kinda-bugs-me/) - There's an obscure video on YouTube that haunts me, my friends. It's mostly just footage of random people walking around Charleston, WV in 1981 or 1982. That would've been when I was a senior in high school, approximately. I grew up in Dunbar, one of the small towns outside of Charleston, and know those streets
- [In Celebration Of Ridiculous Illogical Superstitions!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-ridiculous-illogical-superstitions/) - Over the weekend I wandered into a couple of "new" clothing stores in our area. One is Burlington Coat Factory, which moved from a different location. And the other is called Gabe's. I know they have those down in the motherland, but I'd never visited one. And I don't think I'll ever visit one again...
- [20 Candid Shots From Our Big Party On Saturday Night (It Went Through Several Phases)](https://thewvsr.com/20-candid-shots-from-our-big-party-on-saturday-night-it-went-through-several-phases/) - Update on the hot dog bar experiment in the podcast. Now playing in the bunker Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!
- [Weekend Project: Creating The Perfect Hot Dog! I Need Your Assistance](https://thewvsr.com/weekend-project-creating-the-perfect-hot-dog-i-need-your-assistance/) - You know what I'm thinking about doing this weekend? That's right, setting up a goddamn hot dog bar in the dining room. Yes, I'm a very ambitious man. But I have visions of having ALL the toppings available. That includes melted-down cheese "food," sauerkraut, cole slaw (to satisfy the WV in me), chili, all the
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 27](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-27/) - I don't want to get into all the gory details. But I'll tell you this much: if I'd been working during the past couple of days... my 35-year streak would've been in serious jeopardy. In fact, I'm a little nervous about going in today. I'm not sick, not really, but didn't feel great yesterday. Not
- [Some Random Notes And Assorted Nonsense, vol. 49](https://thewvsr.com/some-random-notes-and-assorted-nonsense-vol-49/) - I went to dinner with a few work folks last night, and one of them mentioned The Grand Canyon, and how she's seen it, and there's no need to ever go back. I laughed because I think that's the same reaction most people have. I believe Toney and I both uttered the exact same sentence,
- [If You Got A Tattoo When You Were 10 Years Old What Would It Have Been? How About 20? 30?](https://thewvsr.com/if-you-got-a-tattoo-when-you-were-10-years-old-what-would-it-have-been-how-about-20-30/) - I'm not a tattoo kind of guy. I have no problem if somebody else wants to get one, or 27. I mean... whatever. But it's not for me. My ass is not a canvas, thank you very much. Although there's enough room for a mural. A tattoo artist (are they all named Snake?) might take
- [What Would You Do If You Were Given A Once-Only Opportunity To Go Back In Time For A Week?](https://thewvsr.com/what-would-you-do-if-you-were-given-a-once-only-opportunity-to-go-back-in-time-for-a-week/) - It might seem weak, but I'd go back to my hometown of Dunbar, WV and attempt to just blend in. I'm a big fan of time travel books, and sometimes movies, and have done an inordinate amount of daydreaming on the subject. And sure, there are other scenarios I've concocted. Like, for instance, going back
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 19](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-19-2/) - Apparently it's fall now? Is that what I'm to understand? Suddenly, without even a hint of a transition, it feels like Bourbon Season is upon us. Good. I don't like the idea of driving forty miles, back and forth to work, on slick roads. But other than that... bring it on. You can take your
- [In Celebration Of The Worst Public Bathrooms We've Encountered!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-worst-public-bathrooms-weve-encountered/) - This is going to be super-quick. I hazz no time. So, I'll just get to the point, ask my question, and let you guys take it from there. Sound good? Good. A few days ago I went into the men's room at the Wendy's near my house. I try not to use public restrooms, on account
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 83](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-83/) - A fresh new piping-hot just out o' the oven podcast episode is up. Here's the description: Good news: This one is about 98% Las Vegas-free! I've now moved on to other nonsense, including my thoughts on how David Bowie's "Let's Dance" was recorded, the leg cramps that freaked me out for a few hours, a
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Volume 4](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-volume-4/) - Wednesday The day of the Grand Canyon. I talked about this adventure in Episode 21 of the podcast. You can hear it here. It was... The Longest Day. Thursday We would be returning home the next day, and the weight of that fact was already dragging me down. Sure, there was another 24 hours of
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Volume 3](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-volume-3/) - Tuesday We started with the breakfast buffet, of course, and it was very good. By this point, I'd developed a buffet system that walked right up to the gluttony line but didn't really cross it. Oh, I had it down, my friends. I wish I had access to such a thing every day of my
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Volume 2](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-volume-2/) - Monday We were exhausted from all the traveling and lack o' sleep Saturday into Sunday, and conked out relatively early on Sunday night. But we were up and swinging for the fences early on Monday. Toney wanted to check out a breakfast restaurant inside The Mirage called Pantry. Not The Pantry, mind you. Just Pantry.
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Volume 1](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-volume-1/) - I'm going to try to keep this thing under control. Once I start on these big epics, I tend to get carried away and go way too deep with it. But I'm going to attempt to give you guys the highlights (and a few photos) of our big 25th Anniversary trip to Las Vegas in
- [The Last Update And Podcast Episode Before Vegas! And Our Most And Least Favorite Tourist Traps!](https://thewvsr.com/the-last-update-and-podcast-episode-before-vegas-and-our-most-and-least-favorite-tourist-traps/) - I just uploaded the 20th episode of The Jeff Kay Show podcast, over at Patreon. It went well, I think. Some of 'em go better than others. This one flowed, in some kind of highly amateurish way. The title: The Swirl Was Starting To Sag! And the description: In this one, I power through several
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 75](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-75/) - It's as humid as the underside of a Walmart shopper's backflaps today. I saw the birds flying in a V on Saturday, which means this hell is almost over. But it ain't over yet. Sweet sainted mother of Sebastian Cabot. Summer is bullshit and it's not going to go quietly. Today is our 25th wedding
- [Please Share Your Worst Traffic Jam Horror Stories! Oh, I Have A Fresh One To Tell You About](https://thewvsr.com/please-share-your-worst-traffic-jam-horror-stories-oh-i-have-a-fresh-one-to-tell-you-about/) - Yesterday I was supposed to meet Steve for lunch at Cracker Barrel in Wilkes-Barre, at 12:30. And I got absorbed into one of the worst traffic clusterfucks I've ever encountered during my long, undistinguished life. This screenshot from my phone tells part of the story. As you can see, it's 1:15 when I grabbed it
- [What Sounds Drive You Absolutely Insane?](https://thewvsr.com/what-sounds-drive-you-absolutely-insane/) - Before we get started, here's your link to the Monday edition of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It's also available in all the usual podcast locations. And there's a website the hosting company auto-generates. I have almost no input into this thing, it just appears as if by voodoo black magic. But it's another place
- [Things You Might Hear While Attending A Baseball Game, But Hopefully Never During Sex](https://thewvsr.com/the-things-you-can-say-while-attending-a-baseball-game-but-never-during-sex/) - I often start these things with a proclamation that I have very limited time. And I'm never lyin'. But today I have very limited time. I have to break out the goddamn italics. So, let's jump right into it. Yesterday and today have been somewhat comfortable, here the Upper Pierogi Belt. Oh, it's roughly the
- [How Much Sleep Do You Need? How Much Do You Get?](https://thewvsr.com/how-much-sleep-do-you-need-how-much-do-you-get/) - Before we get started with this quickie, here's a link to the Monday podcast episode. It's also available at iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, etc. And this is the description I wrote for it: This one is all over the place. We discuss the rarest of occurrences at my house, adventures in passport renewals, revenue enhancement
- [Profiling The Previous Owner Of My New Car! Our Favorite TV Show Spinoffs! A New Podcast Episode!](https://thewvsr.com/profiling-the-previous-owner-of-my-new-car-our-favorite-tv-show-spinoffs-a-new-podcast-episode/) - How long am I allowed to call my new car new? I've had it for about three months now. It still feels new to me, but I suspect that window is closing. I think I'm weeks or days away from having to transition from "my new car" to "my car." I'm not sure what the
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 73](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-73/) - I need to get your thoughts on the man who stole a commercial airplane a few days ago, and went joyriding and did daredevil stunts above Seattle, etc. I was fascinated as a mofo by that story on Saturday. Wild shit! Here's a full transcript of his conversation with air traffic control. The guy's cracking
- [What's Your Relationship With The Big Brands?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-relationship-with-the-big-brands/) - Before we get into this one, I have a couple of quick things... First of all, why is there so much Everclear hatred in the world? I'm listening to their So Much For The Afterglow album and enjoying the living shit out of it. I like most of their stuff, at least the stuff I've
- [In Celebration Of Getting Drunk At Work, And A Very Special Episode Of The Jeff Kay Show](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-getting-drunk-at-work-and-a-very-special-episode-of-the-jeff-kay-show/) - Obviously, I don't get drunk at work. Let's be clear about that. I mean, seriously. But Toney and I were watching an episode of The Office a few days ago and Jim and Andy got smashed while working on some special project after hours, and it got me to thinkin'... Do people really get a
- [What's Your Relationship With Spiders? I Hate The Bastards!](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-relationship-with-spiders-i-hate-the-bastards/) - My boss is recovering from a spider bite on her shoulder that really messed her up. It happened while she was walking her dog, she said, and in short order... she was running a high fever and the bite area just kept getting worse and worse. She went to the doctor and they immediately knew
- [That's Me Yelling During A Baseball Game, At A Team Building Event, And We'll Discuss A Few Other Things As Well](https://thewvsr.com/thats-me-yelling-during-a-baseball-game-at-a-team-building-event-and-well-discuss-a-few-other-things/) - What word do you think I'm hollering here? Who the hell knows? One of my co-workers took the photo while I was getting ridiculous at one point. In any case, it was a fun time. We had a luxury suite, which was a new experience for me. Have you ever had the opportunity to do
- [Corporate Team Building! A Conspiracy To Keep My Ass Fat! A New Podcast Episode!](https://thewvsr.com/corporate-team-building-a-conspiracy-to-keep-my-ass-fat-a-new-podcast-episode/) - Believe it or not, I'm getting ready to go to a minor league baseball game. At noon. Before work. It'll be the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Railriders vs. the Charlotte Knights. And I'm going. Apparently. You see, an email went out at work inviting all the supervisors to the game. Some people were going to go, and some
- [Have You Ever Successfully Lost A Substantial Amount Of Weight? How'd You Do It?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-successfully-lost-a-substantial-amount-of-weight-howd-you-do-it/) - I need to do something. I'm fat as fuck. I know: watch what I eat and get more exercise. Thanks for that, very helpful. No, I need a framework. Not just generalities. I installed an app yesterday called LoseIt! which is a tracker, etc. This morning I've had five cups of coffee with a splash
- [I'm Haunted By This Picture Of My Round, Bulbous Head](https://thewvsr.com/im-haunted-by-this-picture-of-my-round-bulbous-head/) - Granted, I don't really know the proper way to take a selfie. This was pointed out in the comments on Monday, and it's right on the money. The way I'm holding my head in this horrendous photo makes it look like I have a pronounced double-chin. Maybe not a full-blown Mitch McConnell, but getting there.
- [I Don't Have Time To Write An Update, So Here Are Some Photos From My Trip To West Virginia](https://thewvsr.com/i-dont-have-time-to-write-an-update-so-here-are-some-photos-from-my-trip-to-west-virginia/) - The New River Gorge Bridge. It's more amazing in person than in a photo. My Mom and Dad. Looking good for 76 years old! Below the bridge, with some swimmers (and some drinkers). That dude sitting on the rock is working on a Coors Light. Cashing in on the whole hillbilly thing. Eh, not a
- [This Update Is Basically An Audio Update, 'Cause I'm Off To West Virginia For a Few Days!](https://thewvsr.com/this-update-is-basically-an-audio-update-cause-im-off-to-west-virginia-for-a-few-days/) - Remember how the last one was going to be a quickie, and it turned out to be plenty long? Well, this one's going to be a genuine quickie. I'm leaving for West Virginia this morning, and it's an eight and a half hour drive. It sucks! So, I need to take to the highway and
- [Publishers Clearing House, Jury Duty, and Dining Alone!](https://thewvsr.com/publishers-clearing-house-jury-duty-and-dining-alone/) - Unfortunately, this one is going to be a quickie. In the not too distant past, this would be one of those "no update" days, but I made a vow to stick to the schedule, no matter what. So I'm pushing through, my friends. Even though I don't feel all that great, and would like nothing
- [How Was Your Fourth Of July? Mine Was Like A Fantastic Bonus Saturday Dropped Straight Into The Middle Of The Work Week! Hell Yeah](https://thewvsr.com/how-was-your-fourth-of-july-mine-was-like-a-fantastic-bonus-saturday-dropped-straight-into-the-middle-of-the-work-week-hell-yeah/) - I love bonus Saturdays, dropped all willy-nilly. So today feels like Monday, yet tomorrow is Friday already! That's pretty goddamn sweet, no matter how you slice it. Thanks to all the wig-wearers in 1776 for risking being hanged, etc. so that I might enjoy an additional Saturday in 2018. I'm tearing up... In all seriousness,
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 6](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-6/) - Yesterday was the first day o' the month, which means it was time to file a new field report at Explanations for Aliens. And here it is. This time I attempted to explain classic rock radio to visitors from another galaxy. Please let me know how I did with it. I hate to talk about
- [A Halfway Decent Podcast Episode, Allergies, Return o' the Heat, and the Contests We've Won!](https://thewvsr.com/a-halfway-decent-podcast-episode-allergies-return-o-the-heat-and-the-contests-weve-won/) - I posted a new podcast episode today. Right here. And I don't want to get carried away, but I'm starting to feel like I might eventually get the hang o' this shit. Past episodes have only come about after multiple false-starts, and are filled with awkward moments. But this one was knocked out in one
- [20 Memorable Quotes From My Life So Far, vol. 1](https://thewvsr.com/20-memorable-quotes-from-my-life-so-far-vol-1/) - This is by no means comprehensive. I'll undoubtedly think of stuff I should've included, for the next several days. But there's always Volume 2, right? Maybe. We'll have to see how this one goes... In any case, I didn't include any quotes from myself, only things other people have said that stuck with me through
- [I Was Not Amused By Our Recent Amusement Park Visit, And The Greatest TV Show Ever?](https://thewvsr.com/i-was-not-amused-by-our-recent-amusement-park-visit-and-the-greatest-tv-show-ever/) - Yep, it was too hot for amusement. Last time I mentioned we were going to Knoebels, and it was supposed to be one of the hottest days in (I think I have this right) human existence. And "they" were right. Yowza! It was the kind of oppressive heat that just leaches all the energy, optimism,
- [Too Hot For Amusement? We'll See. Also: Powerful Stenches In Public Places!](https://thewvsr.com/too-hot-for-amusement-well-see-also-powerful-stenches-in-public-places/) - Apparently we're going to Knoebels today. A month or two ago we picked a random Monday, all four of us scheduled it off, and proclaimed it Knoebels day. And now that the random Monday has arrived, these are some reasons I don't want to go: It's hotter than the devil's ball pouch out there. Supposedly
- [A Brand New Episode Of The Podcast, And Hanging Out With My Friends In Storm Shelters!](https://thewvsr.com/a-brand-new-episode-of-the-podcast-and-hanging-out-with-my-friends-in-storm-shelters/) - Before we get started, once again, I have a fresh new episode of the podcast that's (not) sweeping the nation, for ya. This is the last installment that will be available to everyone, and I'm reasonably OK with how it turned out. Oh, I have a black belt in beating the shit out of myself.
- [A Rare Night Out For An Old Fat Bastard!](https://thewvsr.com/a-rare-night-out-for-an-old-fat-bastard/) - The boys and I drove down to Philadelphia yesterday to see one of our favorite bands, The Eels. I've seen them at least eight times now, and this is the third time for the younglings. Always a blast. However... the 25-year-old me would've been appalled by the 55-year-old version. 'Cause I spent a big hunk
- [A New Podcast Episode, Wieners in a Drawer, Cell Phone Data, Drunk Tests, and How We Met Our Significant Others](https://thewvsr.com/a-new-podcast-episode-wieners-in-a-drawer-cell-phone-data-drunk-tests-and-how-we-met-our-significant-others/) - Before we get started on this dubious exercise, I want to alert you to a fresh-baked episode of the Jeff Kay Show podcast, right here. This time 'round I discuss an eavesdropping session at a breakfast buffet, the Circle of Life at a McDonald's drive-through, and my pain-in-the-ass Lenovo computer. Please check it out and
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 68](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-68/) - How is it possible that the weekend is over already? I'm back in that mode where I start to get depressed about it on Sunday, and that's not good, my friends. Toney always says, "You have 24 more hours!" In other words, stop yer bitching and enjoy what you gots. Or something similar. But last
- [I've Been Working On Some Stuff In The Background My Friends, And Here It Is](https://thewvsr.com/ive-been-working-on-some-stuff-in-the-background-my-friends-and-here-it-is/) - If I knew what I was doing I would've been teasing this for weeks and maybe used the mailing list and Facebook to build "anticipation." But all of that would've required a level of energy and know-how that I do not possess. So, the best I can do is just tell you what's been going
- [Field Report: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, May 2018](https://thewvsr.com/field-report-myrtle-beach-south-carolina-may-2018/) - We made it, my friends. Our first "real" trip in many years is now in the books, and it was a success. Not absolute perfection, of course, but certainly successful. Today I'm going to try to get through all the highlights and cover the entire trip in a single update. I have a history of
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 446](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-446/) - On the day we returned from Atlantic City I went straight to the car wash, 'cause my "new" car was covered in road filth and bugs. And when I got back home I parked in our driveway, climbed out from behind the wheel, and the woman across the street yelled, "Here comes fatty!" Whoa whoa
- [The Weirdest Dream, Yet Another Public Humiliation, And The Things That Make Us Unique](https://thewvsr.com/the-weirdest-dream-yet-another-public-humiliation-and-the-things-that-make-us-unique/) - Nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night, I'm aware. But please indulge me for a couple of minutes. I was in a Mexican restaurant, you see, with some people from my current job. There was a large envelope on our table, and I asked why they hadn't turned it in yet. "Nobody's
- [I'd Rate Our Weekend Trip To Atlantic City A Solid B](https://thewvsr.com/id-rate-our-weekend-trip-to-atlantic-city-a-solid-b/) - We made some tactical errors, completely our fault, but it was a good trip nonetheless. For one thing, we left too late. Check-in at the hotel is at 4, and we didn't leave our house until almost noon. It's a three-hour ride -- supposedly -- and we were putting way too much emphasis on that
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 56](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-56/) - Sorry I disappeared for a few days. I have some stuff going on, it hasn't been just pure sackism. Although to be honest, there has been some sackism. In any case, I've been dabbling with some stuff that takes me far outside my comfort zone. No, it's not homosexuality. It's something I hope to have
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 8](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-8/) - By the way, it's snowing again. In April... after Easter... during the second week of baseball season. But I'm not supposed to complain about it. My only two options, apparently, are STFU or move to Florida. There are no other acceptable courses of action. Love it or leave it, baby! Here's a shot from our
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 247](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-247/) - The older boy was involved in a fairly serious car crash a few days ago. He's fine, thankfully, and the asshole who hit him is fine as well. But my old Camry, which the boy was driving, is completely and thoroughly fucked. That thing is destined for the crusher. Or as they call it down
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 43](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-43/) - Yeah, it snowed again last night. If there was an accurate way of measuring the annoyance level of a particular season, this must surely be the most annoying winter in recent history. Right? Right. Sweet sainted mother of Al Hrabosky! This is bullshit already. On a more positive note, we booked a week in Myrtle
- [My Big Day Off Was Hijacked By Weather, And The Things We Do That Could Be Considered Old-Fashioned](https://thewvsr.com/my-big-day-off-was-hijacked-by-weather-and-the-things-we-do-that-could-be-considered-old-fashioned/) - I took Friday off from work, and Toney and I had some low-wattage plans for the day, starting with an appointment with our accountant at 10 a.m. to discuss our taxes. It's not good, my friends. We owe a thousand bucks. She already told us that much over the phone. But following that unpleasantness, we
- [Protecting The Sanctity Of The Original Slice, And The Projects That Keep Us Sane](https://thewvsr.com/protecting-the-sanctity-of-the-original-slice-and-the-projects-that-keep-us-sane/) - You know what's weird? To me, anyway? We've lived in Pennsylvania for 18 years now. That's a long time. In the near future, it'll become the place I've lived the longest, surpassing West Virginia. I took the liberty of making a pie chart: The weird part? It doesn't feel like I've been here all that
- [A Quick One Straight From The Bunker, vol. 342](https://thewvsr.com/a-quick-one-straight-from-the-bunker-vol-342/) - I generally write these updates in Word, and copy/paste into Wordpress when I'm finished. I find it mildly distracting to type inside Wordpress itself. There's too much shit going on and it takes me off my game. However, I'm more pressed for time than usual today. So, this one's going to be pure and uncut.
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 47](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-47/) - I've started taking a daily multivitamin again. This happens from time to time. I get it in my head that I should be doing it, and buy a bottle. It always feels like they're priced at roughly 25% more than my inner-sensors tell me they should cost. You know, since I'm a well-known vitamin expert...
- [Some Quick Thoughts On The Super Bowl, Which I Know Nothing About](https://thewvsr.com/some-quick-thoughts-on-the-super-bowl-which-i-know-nothing-about/) - I saw a headline somewhere that said only 19% of football fans wanted New England to win, and I know people hate them with the intensity of a thousand suns. So, I was pulling for New England. If they won, I knew it would cause the most emotional anguish, and that's what I was craving.
- [Dubious Facebook Knowledge, A Beer In My Lap, And Every Meal For The Rest Of My Life](https://thewvsr.com/dubious-facebook-knowledge-a-beer-in-my-lap-and-every-meal-for-the-rest-of-my-life/) - I read an article a few days about a page that's deep inside everybody's Facebook profiles, where they list information they believe they know about you, for the purpose of serving up relevant ad content. It was difficult to find, but I finally located mine. It says, among other things, that I'm a U.S. liberal
- [Peeing Ground Beef And Hydraulic Ass-Lifts: The Funniest Medical-Related Stories We've Ever Heard](https://thewvsr.com/peeing-ground-beef-and-hydraulic-ass-lifts-the-funniest-medical-related-stories-weve-ever-heard/) - I was talking with my dad on Sunday and he told me about someone he knows who has a "condition" that causes his toenails to be really thick. He said they're so tough he practically had to use bolt cutters to trim them. "They're about a quarter-inch thick," he assured me. So, at some point,
- [I'm Cold, Mildly Depressed, And Just Stealing Shit Off Facebook Now](https://thewvsr.com/im-cold-mildly-depressed-and-just-stealing-shit-off-facebook-now/) - There's not a lot going on here. In fact, it's fairly boring and somewhat depressing. This weather is ridiculous, which doesn't help. A few night ago it was 55 when I left work (down from almost 70 earlier in the day), and by the time I arrived at the grocery store near our house... it
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 263](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-263/) - As I type this the temperature outside is 36 degrees. So, it's possible that the Earth has NOT broken from its orbit and is hurtling end-over-end into deep space. That's a relief. I'm not sure I've ever experienced such a sustained and powerful cold, as during the past few weeks. I'm confident some of you
- [Did You Party It Up On New Year's Eve? I Didn't And Never Have](https://thewvsr.com/did-you-party-it-up-on-new-years-eve-i-didnt-and-never-have/) - In 1972 I saw The Poseidon Adventure in a theater with my parents and brother. I was nine years old and remember being amazed by the big New Year's Eve party at the beginning. You know, before the whole goddamn boat went upside-down? Everybody was packed together, blowing horns and wearing novelty hats and swinging
- [Terrifying Twenty: the Santa Claus Edition](https://thewvsr.com/terrifying-twenty-the-santa-claus-edition/) - Now playing in the bunker Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!
- [Everything's Just Freaking Fantastic, I Tell Ya. Vol. 231](https://thewvsr.com/everythings-just-freaking-fantastic-i-tell-ya-vol-231/) - Just briefly... Andy hadn't been doing well for the past couple of months. I didn't mention it here because it's not something I wanted to talk about. He was a medium-sized dog, and they're good for 14 years if you're lucky. Andy was 16 and a half and was in extra innings. I was thankful
- [Andy 2001 - 2017](https://thewvsr.com/andy-2001-2017/) - I used to remind Andy, from time to time, that he won life's lottery when we took him home from the shelter on September 9, 2001. And that's true enough. But we also hit the jackpot that day. I don't know how it would be possible for there to be a better dog. Rest in
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 81](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-81/) - It's only the middle of December and I've already had two white-knuckle rides because of the snow. Last Saturday Toney and I were out 'n' about and it started coming down. According to some weather app (who the hell knows?) it wasn't supposed to amount to anything, so I suggested we have lunch at Cracker
- [What's The Worst Job You Ever Had? I Bet Richard Kimble Can Top It](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-worst-job-you-ever-had-i-bet-richard-kimble-can-top-it/) - I've started watching The Fugitive again. I have the complete series box set and ripped through the first three seasons in short order. But the fourth and final season -- which is in color -- is so preposterous I lost interest for a long time. Like maybe two years. But the DVDs have been hanging
- [Everybody Thinks They Have Problems, But None Are As Big As Mine](https://thewvsr.com/everybody-thinks-they-have-problems-but-none-are-as-big-as-mine/) - Several weeks ago I got a haircut from some unknown woman who botched it nine ways to St. Louis. I'm thinking she must have lied to the managers of the place, and told them she'd cut hair before. So, they hired her and, like a scene straight out of a 1980s sitcom, I came strolling
- [How Would You Spend A $100,000 Lottery Jackpot?](https://thewvsr.com/how-would-you-spend-a-100000-lottery-jackpot/) - Years ago I was acquainted with a guy (purposely vague) who was a recovering alcoholic. He was nice, but extremely intense. It was easy to see how he could take almost anything too far. He was one of those people who gets out of bed every morning, and just swings for the fences. Ya know?
- [Some Random Crap From My Notebook! vol. 41](https://thewvsr.com/some-random-crap-from-my-notebook-vol-41/) - On Friday I overheard two women in their 50s, with catastrophic cig-voices, discussing Thanksgiving. Here's how part of the conversation went: Haglet 1: So, how was your dinner yesterday? Haglet 2: Already digested and down the river! It's true that I'm a connoisseur of the inappropriate,
- [Our Single Most Memorable Thanksgivings Ever, And A Few Other Semi-Related Items](https://thewvsr.com/our-single-most-memorable-thanksgivings-ever-and-a-few-other-semi-related-items/) - How'd it go? Did everybody survive OK? Our Thanksgiving 2017 was fairly kick-back. I still have this life-sucking cold, so I did about 20% more couch wallowing than I usually do. But our dinner was nice, with all four of us sitting around the table together, and Andy begging like a champion. Wonder how many
- [Our Day Trip To South Street Philadelphia, And A Few Other Odds And Ends](https://thewvsr.com/our-day-trip-to-south-street-philadelphia-and-a-few-other-odds-and-ends/) - Last time I was going to tell you guys about my day trip to Philadelphia, and started in with the R.E.M. thing. And before I knew it... the whole update had been hijacked. Oh well. It happens sometimes. I'll just do it today. Let's get the whining out of the way first, though; I have
- [It Seems Like I Should Be Annoyed (And I Feel Fine)](https://thewvsr.com/it-feels-like-i-should-be-annoyed-about-this-but-im-not/) - When I was 22 I finally moved out of my parents' house, and out of West Virginia at the same time. On what felt like a whim, I just packed up all my shit and moved to Greensboro, NC. I was going nowhere fast and needed some kind of dramatic shakeup. So, I got a
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 22](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-22/) - I have a substantial amount of paid time-off I need to use before the end o' the year. We can carryover (that's one word? weird) 40 hours, but I'm still having to burn a bunch of days. Woe is me... And so, I was off on Friday and don't have to return until Wednesday. And
- [In Celebration Of The Worst Cars We've Ever Owned!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-worst-cars-weve-ever-owned/) - Thankfully I've never really owned a complete piece of shit car. I had a couple that started out OK, and I kept driving them until they became pieces of shit. And I had a Blazer that made me crazy. But I've been pretty lucky, overall. I had a Chevy Luv truck that was, perhaps, my
- [Some Completely Random And Ridiculous Grade School Memories! Please Share Your Own](https://thewvsr.com/some-completely-random-and-ridiculous-grade-school-memories-please-share-your-own/) - The picture above is the elementary school I attended. Sorta. It's been remodeled and renamed multiple times. They've built on giant sections that I don't recognize, including the fancy-pants entrance in the photo. That shit didn't exist when I went there. In fact, we entered on a completely different side of the school. As God
- [Predictable Halloween Update: What Are The Scariest Movies You've Ever Seen?](https://thewvsr.com/predictable-halloween-update-what-are-the-scariest-movies-youve-ever-seen/) - Last week I received a $15 credit from Amazon Canada. It was from folks clicking through Surf Report links and buying stuff. And I'm always appreciative, of that. Thanks, guys! Sincerely. But the Canada credits are sometimes a challenge. It seems like 75% of the stuff I'm interested in buying will not ship the United
- [The Pros And Cons Of Our Recent Dinner At Five Guys](https://thewvsr.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-our-recent-dinner-at-five-guys/) - On Saturday evening Toney and I had dinner at Five Guys, and it was good. I had a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, raw onions (as opposed to grilled), green peppers (hell yeah), ketchup, and mustard. Great burger! And we shared a metric shitload of fries. It's always fantastic, and on Saturday it might've been even
- [The Worst Things We've Ever Smelled, And Some Stuff That's Not So Bad](https://thewvsr.com/the-worst-things-weve-ever-smelled-and-some-stuff-thats-not-so-bad/) - A couple of nights ago I was driving home from work and encountered a one-two punch of smells people often complain about, but I kinda like. First, I drove through a construction zone (81 is a perpetual construction zone, on account of the Mexican-style corruption) and got a snootful of freshly-baked asphalt. Good stuff! And
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 44](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-44/) - I think all my references are officially out of date. It feels like 80% of them are Seinfeld-based, which went off the air in 1998. But even the ones that aren't from that show are pretty old. I was ranting at work a few days ago, for instance, and said, "Who do they think I
- [I Think I Might've Killed Petty, A Car Wash Mini-Crisis, And How Do You Listen To Music These Days?](https://thewvsr.com/i-think-i-mightve-killed-petty-a-car-wash-mini-crisis-and-how-do-you-listen-to-music-these-days/) - It was an emotional roller coaster for your corpulent correspondent on the day Petty died. When I arrived at work folks were talking about it, and I thought it must be a Facebook hoax. Right? People get sucked into those things all the time, 'cause they're gullible and douche-infused. So, I did not react... walked
- [Have You Ever Had An Asshole Neighbor? Please Tell Us About It!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-had-an-asshole-neighbor-please-tell-us-all-about-it/) - Last weekend Toney and I were walking through Sam's Club and passed our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Half-Shirt. And we stared straight into the eyes of pure, undiluted hatred. They can't stand me, especially, but don't like Toney either. Sure, it's easy (and probably prudent) to just say 'fuck 'em.' But I have to admit
- [Some Tough Losses, and The Worst Places We've Ever Been!](https://thewvsr.com/some-tough-losses-and-the-worst-places-weve-ever-been/) - A couple of things I loved that recently went away forever: Half dotcom was a site owned by eBay, where you could buy used CDs, DVDs, and books. I bought roughly a million CDs from them through the years. They were the best, and I just recently purchased a handful of Green Day discs there.
- [Light Bulbs! Paid Time Off! Huge Pepper Grinders! The Best Sun Porch Builder!](https://thewvsr.com/light-bulbs-paid-time-off-huge-pepper-grinders-the-best-sun-porch-builder/) - Here's an excerpt from an update I wrote in early January 2017: On Christmas Eve I installed a new light bulb in a lamp inside the bunker that will supposedly last for 22 years. Ha! I give it four months. Am I wrong? I have a backup bulb for when it burns out. But I
- [Are You A Picky Eater? Who's The Pickiest Of All Picky Eaters You've Ever Encountered?](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-a-picky-eater-whos-the-pickiest-of-all-picky-eaters-youve-ever-encountered/) - It's true that I have a handful of foods I don't like, and am very vocal about it. But I don't consider myself to be super-picky. Ya know? True super-picky eaters irritate me, and I don't put myself in that category. Some things I don't like: Mayonnaise I will never ask for it to be
- [Random Nonsense! A Smattering Of Ridiculousness! Jaws 2!](https://thewvsr.com/random-nonsense-a-smattering-of-ridiculousness-jaws-2/) - Are there any good frozen meals? I used to partake of the Marie Callender's offerings, and thought they were very good indeed. Then a switch was flipped, and I didn't like them anymore. I mean, talk about sodium! Before I was finished with my turkey and stuffing lunch it felt like fluids were starting to
- [Trying To Shake Things Up A Bit: The Jim Thorpe Chapter](https://thewvsr.com/trying-to-shake-things-up-a-bit-the-jim-thorpe-chapter/) - Toney and I have vowed to shake things up a bit, and not just hang around the house all the time. Like sacks. There's stuff to do, some of it not super-expensive. But do we do it? No, we do not. We just hang around. Like sacks. This is not the way we used to
- [Another Hard-Hitting Investigation: What's Your Relationship With Coffee?](https://thewvsr.com/another-hard-hitting-investigation-whats-your-relationship-with-coffee/) - A few days ago I told my son I feel mildly shitty at all times. This is a true statement. And I suspect it's tied to the fact that I'm having a constant allergic reaction to something. It's been going on for a month, or possibly six weeks. There's something happening outside that's messing with
- [A Long Weekend, the End of Summer, and a New Computer!](https://thewvsr.com/a-long-weekend-the-end-of-summer-and-a-new-computer/) - I bought a new desktop computer on Saturday. This doesn't happen very often. In fact, the one I'm replacing was running Windows Vista, which was released in January 2007. It still functions, but there are more and more websites that give me a warning message about my operating system being embarrassingly out of date, and
- [A Few Very Quick Things, vol. 17](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-very-quick-things-vol-17/) - I have to be at work three hours early today and, believe it or not, that small change will be enough to throw me off-track for a couple of days. I'm not sure why, but my ability to adapt is now greatly diminished. I used to be able to stay out late drinking great tankards
- [Our Perfect Day In New York City (Except For A Few Minor Annoyances) Part II](https://thewvsr.com/our-perfect-day-in-new-york-city-except-for-a-few-minor-annoyances-part-ii/) - After we escaped the crush of Chelsea Market, we sat in a park -- possibly Hudson River Park? -- for a few minutes. People were lying in the grass, sunbathing. I can't imagine ever doing such a thing. So I sat there and contemplated the differences between these folks and me. And tried to ignore
- [Our Perfect Day In New York City (Except For A Few Minor Annoyances) Part I](https://thewvsr.com/our-perfect-day-in-new-york-city-except-for-a-few-minor-annoyances-part-i/) - We had to be on the bus at 7:15 am, which caused me some anxiety. I don't usually see that time of day, and whenever I have to get up early, generally for something important, I stress myself out the night before, and can't sleep. Indeed, I might have gotten four hours, Friday into Saturday.
- [Some Pictures I Took In New York City Yesterday](https://thewvsr.com/some-pictures-i-took-in-new-york-city-yesterday/) - All were taken with my phone, a Droid Turbo 2. I'll post a written update about the trip on Monday. It was a good time and, as you can see, a beautiful day! Now playing in the bunker Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
- [What's The Worst Weather Event Or Natural Disaster You've Personally Experienced?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-worst-weather-event-or-natural-disaster-youve-personally-experienced/) - A couple of nights ago I was sitting in the cafeteria at work, having just polished off a passable but far from spectacular version of the KFC Bowl. It's generally served in a build-your-own format, where you're able to calibrate the ingredients. Which is a positive, admittedly. But sometimes the quality of the components just
- [Staring At The Eclipse, The Racist Moon, And Regional Phrases You Didn't Know Were Regional](https://thewvsr.com/staring-at-the-eclipse-the-racist-moon-and-regional-phrases-you-didnt-know-were-regional/) - You know how when you're driving, and some quarterwit is coming at you in the opposite direction with their brights on? Or their high-beams, or whatever you want to call them? For some reason I can't stop myself from staring straight into it for a couple of seconds. Eventually I break the spell, and look
- [Adventures In Bullshitting! Please Share Your Thoughts And Stories](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-fabricating-newspaper-articles-and-your-thoughts-on-bullshitting/) - During high school a few people from my journalism class took a trip to Columbus, Ohio, where we participated in some sort of training at Ohio State. I seriously can't remember much about it, but don't believe we stayed overnight. If we had there would've been shenanigans. And I recall no shenanigans. It feels like
- [In Celebration of Allergies, Niche Doctors, and Misplaced Smugness!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-allergies-niche-doctors-and-misplaced-smugness/) - I have some kind of allergy situation going on, and am not a fan. I don't know what's triggering it, here in mid-August. Somebody said ragweed, but I got the impression he was just pulling that "information" straight out of his ass. In any case, there's a constant crystal-clear drippage and itchy eyes and a
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 97](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-97/) - I need to ask you guys about something super-important. I think I've discovered a conspiracy. Two times during the past month or so I've been pumping gas into my ludicrous little wind-up car, and noticed (way too late) that it's 93 octane going in. I know I punched the 87 button, but it's somehow leaped
- [The Great Taco Bell Pooping Manager Mystery](https://thewvsr.com/the-great-taco-bell-pooping-manager-mystery/) - I was in Taco Bell a few days ago, enjoying a Burrito Supreme, two tacos, and a small Baja Blast. Which is my go-to order, by the way. The Burrito Supreme is expensive, compared to everything else there, but it's so damn good... It's probably one of the oldest things on the menu, and also
- [In Celebration Of All The Stuff We Don't Know!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-all-the-stuff-we-dont-know/) - What are some things that everybody seemingly knows, and you do not? Oh, I can think of several right off the top of my tiny Duke head. For instance... North, south, east, and west. Yes, I know what they are while looking at a map. But when somebody tells me to go west on 309,
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 271](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-271-2/) - On Saturday Toney and I were walking through JCPenney, and they were BLASTING high-energy dance Christmas music. Is it some kind of jokey "Christmas in July" promotion, I presume? Please tell me they're not genuinely starting with that shit already? It can't be, right? And why all the terrible 12 year old girl music everywhere?
- [A Love Of Office Supplies! Our Back To School Mottos! The Shit We Spend Way Too Much Money On!](https://thewvsr.com/a-love-of-office-supplies-our-back-to-school-mottos-the-shit-we-spend-way-too-much-money-on/) - Toney and I were in Target a few days ago, and they have all their back-to-school stuff out. Man, I used to hate that crap when I was actually in school. It was a foul wind blowing off the waste treatment plant of life. But now? I'm a huge fan. I love office supplies. I
- [What Do You Think Are The Most Depressing Stores In The World?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-is-the-most-depressing-store-in-the-world/) - When I was in West Virginia I took the younger boy to a record store where I spent many hundreds of hours when I was roughly his age. I'm not going to name it here, because I don't want it popping up in somebody's Google Alerts, or whatever. But the place opened in 1972, and
- [Three Random Items And Three Related Questions!](https://thewvsr.com/three-random-items-and-three-related-questions/) - The older boy and I were driving back from Scranton a few days ago, on a busy four-lane stretch of road, when something fairly amazing happened. Amazing to me, anyway. A few folks I've told about it didn't seem to be amazed in the least. You know, because they're so worldly and have seen it
- [What Are Your Thoughts On Hot Dogs and Hot Dog Toppings? I Have Some Opinions](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-thoughts-on-hot-dogs-and-hot-dog-toppings-i-have-some-opinions/) - When I was in West Virginia last weekend, we had lunch at a place that can be best described as a hot dog joint. You drive up, some zitster comes right out to your car window and takes your order, and within a shockingly abbreviated amount of time he's back with a bulging sack o'
- [Have You Ever Gotten Into Trouble Because Of Your Phone? I Almost Got My Ass Kicked On Tuesday Because Of Mine](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-gotten-into-trouble-because-of-your-phone-i-almost-got-my-ass-kicked-on-tuesday-because-of-mine/) - We made it to West Virginia and back. There were no complications, but it was still fairly excruciating. It's just such a loooong drive. By the time you reach hour seven or eight, it feels like you're about to lose your goddamn mind. It's psychological, of course. You know you've entered the final 10% of
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 11](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-11/) - I'm typing this at our dining room table on Saturday afternoon, but... as you're reading it, I'm very likely in West Virginia. Probably sitting in my parents' living room, watching something hosted by Steve Harvey. And he'll be doing this. It's some kind of Wordpress-fueled hoodoo time-shift black magic. And who could blame you for
- [Have You Ever Been Forced To Say Things Or Do Things At Work That Made You Feel Completely Ridiculous?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-been-forced-to-say-things-or-do-things-at-work-that-made-you-feel-completely-ridiculous/) - I’m going to do another guerilla-strike visit to my parents’ house in West Virginia this weekend. I’m leaving on Sunday, returning on Tuesday. I need to visit them on a regular basis, and don’t have a great track record with it. It’s in the top five Things I Feel Guilty About. The list is long,
- [Big Night Out For A Bitter Man: Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers In Philadelphia](https://thewvsr.com/big-night-out-for-a-bitter-man-tom-petty-and-the-heartbreakers-in-philadelphia/) - Tom Petty is one of those guys I've always liked, but on a fairly casual basis. I mean, I have his greatest hits album on CD, which sounds sensational in a car, and picked up a handful of his latter-day albums when I worked at WEA. But, for whatever reason, I never fully engaged with
- [Did You Ever Have A Teacher Who Was Straight-Up Insane? I Did!](https://thewvsr.com/did-you-ever-have-a-teacher-who-was-straight-up-insane-i-did/) - When I was in fourth grade I had a teacher who was the size of Larry Csonka. Her name was Mrs. Hill. She looked like she should've been in a ladies' prison, and called "Big Maude." It was just a wall of humanity, large but surprisingly fleet of foot. A couple of times during the
- [In Celebration Of Period Inaccuracies, And Ludicrous Language!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-period-inaccuracies-and-ludicrous-language/) - Have you ever heard a man, in real life, call his wife "dear?" It happens all the time on television, but I can't remember any actual human beings ever saying it. Ya know? It feels like there's some kind of agreed-upon language that people use in movies and TV that's been in place for so
- [I've Been Age-Shamed By Camden Yards! What Makes You Feel Old?](https://thewvsr.com/ive-been-age-shamed-by-camden-yards-what-makes-you-feel-old/) - I was listening to a podcast a few days ago, while driving home from work, and they were talking about baseball stadium design. It was the first episode I'd ever heard of that particular show, and really enjoyed it. Here's a link. Supposedly the program is all about design? It sounds weird, I know, but
- [Share Your Business Travel Horror Stories and Thoughts On Corporate Training Classes!](https://thewvsr.com/share-your-business-travel-horror-stories-and-thoughts-on-corporate-training-classes/) - Last week I had to travel for work. They’re sending us, two at a time, to a sprawling city-sized building about five hours from here, for “management training.” I knew there would be approximately 35 people in the class, from all over the country. And, needless to say, I was mildly stressed about it for
- [Some Things I Don't Like, And Some Things I Do Like](https://thewvsr.com/some-things-i-dont-like-and-some-things-i-do-like/) - Remember when I was briefly writing under the name Bill Oates? It didn’t last long, like many things I’ve started, but the plan was to post stuff at the Oates blog that I didn’t want attached to my real name. Well, I need to fire that shit up again… I won’t, but it would definitely
- [If They Brought 'Em Back, Would You Attend A Public Hanging?](https://thewvsr.com/if-they-brought-em-back-would-you-attend-a-public-hanging/) - I saw this photo on Facebook a few days ago. It was reportedly taken at the last public hanging in West Virginia, on December 16, 1897. Apparently the event turned into a drunken free-for-all, and resulted in my home state becoming one of the first to ban public executions. Here’s a short article about it,
- [To Be Perfectly Honest, We've Had Better Weeks](https://thewvsr.com/to-be-perfectly-honest-ive-had-better-weeks/) - Toney’s been in the hospital. On Sunday she left work because she felt horrible: nausea and a tightness in the chest. Then she started throwing up. I thought she was having a heart attack, and took her to the ER. By the time we arrived there, her stomach was hurting really bad and she was
- [Let's Build The Perfect Bar! I'm Gonna Need Your Input, My Friends](https://thewvsr.com/lets-build-the-perfect-bar-im-gonna-need-your-input-my-friends/) - Back before every one of my hopes and dreams burned to the fucking ground like a 1980 Richard Pryor, I used to daydream about things. Like… maybe owning a little neighborhood bar somewhere. Even though I have no experience, and even less knowledge, I believed I could do well with something like that. I felt
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 811](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-811/) - It’s a beautiful day here in the Upper Exasperation Belt. Possibly the most perfect day of 2017, so far. And I’m sitting in the public library typing out this update. There’s an old man running the microfilm machine behind me, as usual, cranking the wheel on that bastard like he’s trying to generate enough electricity
- [A Doggie Scare, the Greatest TV Shows Ever, Funny Memoirs, and Shitting In A Box](https://thewvsr.com/a-doggie-scare-the-greatest-tv-shows-ever-funny-memoirs-and-shitting-into-a-box/) - I thought we were going to lose our beloved Black Lips Houlihan a few days ago, but he bounced back and is better than ever. He had another “episode” last week, and I was convinced he’d suffered a stroke. He collapsed, fired off about three shit missiles in quick succession, vomited, and briefly lost consciousness.
- [A Disconcerting Night on the Town, and Your Thoughts on Tribute Bands](https://thewvsr.com/a-disconcerting-night-on-the-town-and-your-thoughts-on-tribute-bands/) - The Zombies show on Saturday night was interesting. The touring band played with the two main guys for about an hour, doing hits and rarities from their early British Invasion days, as well as a few new songs. Then there was a 20 minute intermission, and the original band came out. The four surviving members,
- [A Holy Shit! Concert, Your Thoughts on Solo Travel, and Stuff You Never Could've Predicted You'd Witness](https://thewvsr.com/a-holy-shit-concert-your-thoughts-on-solo-travel-and-stuff-you-never-couldve-predicted-youd-witness/) - I could very easily turn this one into another prolonged whine fiesta, but will spare you guys. Nobody needs more of that shit in their lives. Right? Right. It goes counter to my nature, but I'm going to try not to complain today. We'll see how it goes. Next Saturday I'm going to a concert
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 571](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-571/) - I had a dream a few nights ago that I was driving through a toll plaza, possibly on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It definitely wasn't the Dunbar Toll Bridge, where I was a highly-decorated toll collector for many years. Which disappoints me... If a toll plaza is going to appear in one of my dreams, it's
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 687](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-687/) - We got about eight inches of snow last night, and the boys are out shoveling the driveway as I type. I made a decision that I'm not doing it anymore. We have two healthy males, ages 20 and 18, living in this house, and they're doing all of that shit from now on. All of
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 45](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-45/) - When I was a kid there was an insurance man who came to our house every so often. And now that I think about it... why? I've been an adult since late 1980, according to the standard definition. And since... OK, it's still a work in progress according to the real world. In any case,
- [Have You Ever Had Major Surgery? I'd Be Freaking Out, Man!](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-had-major-surgery-id-be-freaking-out-man/) - Yesterday I was talking to a guy who's about to have some kind of crazy back surgery. He explained it to me, and it sounded terrifying. They're going to remove one disc... fuse two others together... take his spine all the way out and twirl and toss it in the air like a baton. I
- [What Are Your Thoughts On This Commercial? Also, Have You Ever Tried To Bribe Someone?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-thoughts-on-this-commercial-also-have-you-ever-tried-to-bribe-someone/) - I see this ad all the time. In fact, it feels like I see the same ten or so ads, over and over. But this one gets through, and leads to actual consideration. It's not really annoying either, which is the usual reason I notice commercials. It just triggers a lot of questions and comments. For instance:
- [Some Random Thoughts Straight From The Bunker](https://thewvsr.com/some-random-thoughts-straight-from-the-bunker/) - Actually, I'm at the dining room table. But who's keeping track? Toney's working downstairs this evening, and the bunker is off-limits for a few hours. Both hooligans are also at work, so it's just me, Mayor McStench, and my laptop. I don't usually write this time of day, so I'm making no promises. I'm generally
- [Yet Another Thing I Don't Understand](https://thewvsr.com/yet-another-thing-i-dont-understand/) - You know what I don't understand? People who have a GIANT issue with other people looking at their cell phones. I'm not talking about texting while driving, or people bumping into one another because they're pretending to be wonderful on Facebook, or whatever. That, I get. No, I just mean folks looking at their phones
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 76](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-76/) - I'm so glad Christmas is over. I loved it when I was a kid, of course, but now it's just another layer of obligation and stress in my life. And I don't need an additional layer, thank you very much. The boys seemed happy with their haul, and there were no major arguments or problems,
- [Have You Ever Bought Any "As Seen On TV" Products? What Was The Verdict?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-bought-any-as-seen-on-tv-products-what-was-the-verdict/) - I don't buy anything, except ebooks. And food, lots of food. But what about you? Have you ever purchased a product from a TV commercial, or infomercial, or something similar? If so, how did it go for you? Were you satisfied? I admit that I'm mildly intrigued by the flashlight that can be frozen inside
- [What Do You Remember About Kindergarten? Anything?](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-remember-about-kindergarten-anything/) - I was five in 1968, so I guess that's when I went to kindergarten. Right? It wasn't offered in the actual schools back then, so I went half-days to a church basement. There was nothing religious about it, I think they just leased out the space, or something. The teacher was Mrs. Penn. I remember
- [What Smells Take You Straight Back To Childhood?](https://thewvsr.com/what-smells-take-you-straight-back-to-childhood/) - My previous job was based inside a huge manufacturing facility, a place so large it had its own zip code. And as I made the long trek to the cafeteria every day, for another round of mediocre-at-best void fillers, I passed through an area of the plant that smelled EXACTLY like the Dunbar Bowling Alley.
- [Please Share Your Holiday Party Horror Stories!](https://thewvsr.com/please-share-your-holiday-party-horror-stories/) - I try not to go to parties. I'm better at chit-chat than I used to be, but still not very good. I just end up feeling awkward and ill-at-ease, and wondering how much more of this contractual obligation I'll be forced to endure. But, of course, sometimes you just can't get out of it. And
- [Where The Hell Did This Fork Come From?!](https://thewvsr.com/where-the-hell-did-this-fork-come-from/) - Seriously. This thing has been hanging around our house for many years, possibly a decade or more. Where the hell did it come from?! It's an outlier. There are no other forks like it in the silverware drawer. So, what the shit, man? How did it get in here? What's its history? I hate that
- [How Much Are You Paying For Internet And Cable? Or Satellite, Or Whatever?](https://thewvsr.com/how-much-are-you-paying-for-internet-and-cable-or-satellite-or-whatever/) - Before we get started with this one, I'd like to make another suggestion for a holiday stocking stuffer. I believe this would be a delightful Christmas morning surprise for people of all ages! Why not buy a dozen or more? After passing through one of our links, of course. Toney and I were talking about TV
- [What Are Your Opinions On Pie And Adult Birthdays?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-opinions-on-pie-and-adult-birthdays/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Before we get started on this questionable endeavor I want to remind you guys to please pass through one of our Amazon links before doing your holiday shopping this year. 'Tis the season for continuous reminders. I don't want to overstep here, but here's an item that I believe would make a wonderful stocking
- [Stunt-Wiping: Have You Ever Been Forced To Use Something Other Than TP?](https://thewvsr.com/stunt-wiping-have-you-ever-been-forced-to-use-something-other-than-tp/) - This is going to be a quickie, because my counterpart at work gets to go home as soon as I arrive. So, I'm feeling social pressure to get in there and put him out of his misery. The good news? I also get to leave early. It's weird, 'cause yesterday felt like Saturday, and now
- [What Things Truly Cause You To Lose Your Mind? Not Minor Annoyances, But Fully Realized Anger](https://thewvsr.com/what-things-truly-cause-you-to-lose-your-mind-not-minor-annoyances-but-fully-realized-anger/) - A few weeks ago I bought a new laptop. I just couldn't take it anymore... The old one was so bogged down and clunky, it would almost literally make me lose my mind. I'd get so wild and whipped-up it felt like I was shedding my skin. I wanted to take that thing out onto
- [What Do You Know About The Cab Business? Also Our Public Transportation Horror Stories](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-know-about-the-cab-business-also-our-public-transportation-horror-stories/) - We went to New York City on Thursday, and it was a great day. The weather was perfect and everybody was in a good mood. All at the same time. And I can't tell you how rare that shit is... It's nothing short of miraculous. I drove my little wind-up car, that, for the record,
- [How Many Pairs Of Jeans Do You Own? I Feel Like I'm Doing It All Wrong](https://thewvsr.com/how-many-pairs-of-jeans-do-you-own-i-feel-like-im-doing-it-all-wrong/) - In all my adult life I've never really had to "dress up" for work. I spent more than 20 years in the music industry where even the bigshots arrived at the office in cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts, or whatever the hell. It was a situation where a person would be publicly mocked if they
- [In Celebration Of The World's Most Overrated Foods!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-worlds-most-overrated-foods/) - Yesterday afternoon I went to Burger King to use a coupon that I believed entitled me to two hot dogs, an order of fries, and a soda for $4. Unfortunately, I didn't read it very well. For one thing, there was no drink included. And that's some bullshit, right there. Drinks are stupid-expensive. Also, I
- [Which TV Shows Have Gotten Into Your Bloodstream And Never Really Faded Away?](https://thewvsr.com/which-tv-shows-have-gotten-into-your-bloodstream-and-never-really-faded-away/) - Rolling Stone recently released one of their highly questionable lists, this time showcasing the supposed 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time. You can check it out here, if you're so inclined. It's not the worst list I've ever seen, but there are problems, my friends. A number of problems. For instance... The Daily Show
- [In Celebration Of The Words And Phrases That Disgust Us](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-words-and-phrases-that-disgust-us/) - I wish I could tell you guys about all the sleep-sapping crap that's going on in my world, but I can't. That part of my life used to be just a tiny sliver in the pie chart, and now it's most of the goddamn pie. Needless to say, a lot of it's work-related, but not
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 381](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-381/) - I don't know what's going on with Andy (Black Lips Houlihan), our fantastic border collie, but he smells like all the asses. Every one of them, combined. He's extremely elderly, like the dog version of one of those 127 year old Chinese women, and hasn't smelled too pleasant for the past couple of years. Toney
- [In Celebration Of The Best Bosses Ever!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-best-bosses-ever/) - Somebody posted this picture to a Peaches Records & Tapes page at Facebook yesterday. It's taken in NYC during the early 1980s, in front of what eventually became the Strawberry Fields section of Central Park. The guy on the left, with the can in his hand, was the director of the Greensboro Peaches store when I
- [Awakened By The World's Worst Music, Leaf Blower Computer Maintenance, and It's Haircut Time Again](https://thewvsr.com/awakened-by-the-worlds-worst-music-leaf-blower-computer-maintenance-and-its-haircut-time-again/) - I didn't get to bed until almost 3 this morning, on account of high bullshit, and was awakened before 9 by a godawful caterwauling originating from an unknown source. It was "music," and it was loud. At first I thought it was coming from inside our house, which didn't seem right. Our kids are a
- [We Ran Free As Kids And Loved It! So Why Do We Keep Our Own Kids On A Short Leash?](https://thewvsr.com/we-ran-free-as-kids-and-loved-it-so-why-do-we-keep-our-own-kids-on-a-short-leash/) - It's become cliché... you know, because everybody says it. But it happens to be true in my case. When I was a kid I'd leave the house on summer mornings, and not return until I was hungry. That sometimes meant lunch, but it was usually dinner. So, I'd be out wandering around for hours and hours,
- [A Few Random Things, and a Celebration of Our Unpopular Opinions!](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-random-things-and-a-celebration-of-our-unpopular-opinions/) - I work with a guy at my current job who I also worked with at my previous job. It's weird. Our offices were a few feet away at the old place, and now our cubicles are roughly the same distance apart at our current place. Anyway, a few days ago I asked him if that
- [My Old Computer, Our Old Dryer, and a Steak Not Even I Could Accept](https://thewvsr.com/my-old-computer-our-old-dryer-and-a-steak-not-even-i-could-accept/) - I spent several hours yesterday trying to nurse this laptop back to health. It’s old, but it still functioned reasonably well, until a few days ago. Suddenly I couldn’t download stuff, or even right-click and save a photo. I also couldn’t drag and drop; everything would just bog down and I’d have to reboot the
- [Some Desperate Notes From The Bowels Of A Public Library](https://thewvsr.com/some-desperate-notes-from-the-bowels-of-a-public-library/) - You know what else irritates me? When people say they’re going to “do” a food item. “Yes, let’s see… I think I’ll do a grilled chicken sandwich.” Do it? Why don’t you go fuck yourself? I’m sitting in the library, trying to write, and there’s a woman over there beyond the Mystery section talking to her
- [Tell Us About The Times You've Been Genuinely Frightened](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-times-youve-been-genuinely-frightened/) - Right off the top of my tiny Duke head, I can come up with four or five instances when I've been so scared it felt like my central nervous system was cutting in and out. There were undoubtedly others; I'm not exactly Rambo, ya know? In any case, I'm going to quickly tell you about
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 185](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-185/) - It’s hotter than Satan’s urethra up here. Sweet sainted mother of the Hager twins! I hate this part of summer, when it metastasizes and takes deep root for weeks on end. Just a hazy, thick hellishness ‘round the clock… I’ve said it many times before, but this is how I rank the seasons: 1. Fall
- [People With Memorable Names In The News!](https://thewvsr.com/people-with-memorable-names-in-the-news/) - Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
- [Stranger In The House: Somebody Just Came Strollin' In!](https://thewvsr.com/stranger-in-the-house-somebody-just-came-strollin-in/) - A few days ago Toney was downstairs working, and heard the front door open. She assumed it was one of the boys coming in, but didn't hear them immediately sprint up the stairs, or go into the kitchen and start opening and closing things and banging shit around like the Russians are in Hazelton. Odd,
- [Question of the Day: What Is Your Earliest Memory?](https://thewvsr.com/question-of-the-day-what-is-your-earliest-memory/) - This is not the greatest photo, it's a current shot from Google Street View, but the first thing I can clearly recall from my ridiculous life happened in that yard. During the summer of 1964 my parents, who were roughly 22 years old at the time, rented the upstairs apartment behind the green house there.
- [Answering Other Websites' Frequently Asked Questions: Graceland Mansion](https://thewvsr.com/answering-other-websites-frequently-asked-questions-graceland-mansion/) - Please note: I am not associated with Graceland in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I'm going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and frustration. Hell, I don't think I've ever even
- [Answering Other Websites' Frequently Asked Questions: Hormel Foods](https://thewvsr.com/answering-other-websites-frequently-asked-questions-hormel-foods/) - Please note: I am not associated with Hormel Foods in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I'm going to give it a shot, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it could very well lead to heartache and an unpleasant evening atop
- [Answering Other Websites’ Frequently Asked Questions: Dairy Queen](https://thewvsr.com/answering-other-websites-frequently-asked-questions-dairy-queen/) - Please note: I am not associated with Dairy Queen in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and sadness. Hell, I don’t think I’ve even
- [Somebody's Using My Bank Card To Buy Booze In Las Vegas (And Isn't Even Sharing)!](https://thewvsr.com/somebodys-using-my-bank-card-to-buy-booze-in-las-vegas-and-isnt-even-sharing/) - Last week Toney told me there was a credit card breach at several Wendy's locations around the country, including the one I visit regularly. I let this sink in for minute, blinked a few times, and said, "Did you say something about Wendy's?" I didn't know anything about this, of course. I'm fairly insulated from
- [Talkin' With My Dad About Our Visits To The 1800s](https://thewvsr.com/talkin-with-my-dad-about-how-we-used-to-travel-back-to-the-1800s/) - On Sunday mornings I talk to my parents on the phone. It’s usually 45 minutes to an hour, and then they speak with the boys for a few minutes. It’s a ritual that’s been in place for years. I generally call them once during the week, as well, while driving to work. So, we speak
- [A Few Quick Things: Our First Atlantic City Visit and the Drunks Are Blowing Shit Up!](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-our-first-atlantic-city-visit-and-the-drunks-are-blowing-shit-up/) - Last Saturday Toney and I drove to Atlantic City, and spent a few hours there. Neither of us had ever been, and didn’t really know what to expect. I was warned by more than one person that it’s a “shithole.” But, we had a good time. We didn’t venture outside the tourist area, which undoubtedly
- [In Celebration Of Craziness Inside Movie Theaters!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-craziness-inside-movie-theaters/) - I don't have much time here, due to sackism, but would like to ask for your funny/scary/crazy-ass movie theater stories. Anything remarkable that you've witnessed or perpetrated while watching a movie in public, or even a film if you're fancy. I'll start the ball rolling with a few quickies of my own, and turn it
- [No Fatties In '81! How Was Your Diet Different Back Then?](https://thewvsr.com/almost-no-fatties-in-1981-how-was-your-diet-different-back-then/) - I’ve watched this video a few times over the years. It’s mostly just shots of people walking the streets of Charleston, WV in 1981. I was in high school at the time, and it’s interesting to see the old stores, and the way people dressed. I grew up roughly seven miles from there, and when
- [Puke Legend: The International Database of Legendary Vomit Stories! Share Yours Now](https://thewvsr.com/pukelegend/) - Let's try this again. My hosting company torpedoed our last attempt, by losing more than 20 comments. So, I deleted that original post, and now invite you guys to again share your legendary tales of upchuck. I don't believe we'll have similar problems this go 'round, so have at it! I'll prime the puke pump
- [Another Big Celebrity Death, And More Complaining From Yours Truly!](https://thewvsr.com/another-big-celebrity-death-and-more-complaining-from-yours-truly/) - I don’t know if you guys are aware of this, because it’s a fairly obscure fact, but Muhammad Ali was sometimes known as “the greatest.” Is that something you were hip to? Holy mackerel! I don’t even watch much TV, and was totally burned out by the perma-repeat coverage of Ali’s death by Saturday afternoon.
- [Do You Like Where You Live? I Don't, Not Really](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-like-where-you-live-i-dont-not-really/) - While driving home from work last night, on the Satanic Parkway (I-81), I encountered the following: Dozens and dozens of turd-dobbers driving at radically different speeds: people doing 90 weaving between others puttering along at 50, amongst a crowd of sensible folks doing 70. There is no flow of traffic on that endless ribbon of
- [Yet Another Scary Ride Home! Read My Story Of Highway Mayhem And Share Your Own](https://thewvsr.com/yet-another-scary-ride-home-read-my-story-of-highway-mayhem-and-share-your-own/) - I was driving home from work last night on Interstate 81 (aka The Devil’s Parkway), and some shit went down. I was in the right lane, doing about 65 mph, and there was another car in the left lane, slightly ahead of me, doing about the same speed. My exit was only about a half-mile
- [Which Stand-Up Comedians Have You Seen Live? Tell Us About It In The Comments](https://thewvsr.com/which-stand-up-comedians-have-you-seen-live-tell-us-about-it-in-the-comments/) - Our kids are going to see Louis C.K. in Wilkes-Barre in a few weeks. There was some half-hearted talk, early in the process, about me going with them. But, that’s not going to happen. I was picking up a faint “oh god, please no” vibe from them, so I backed out. There was little to
- [Why Does This Keep Happening?! Our Customer Service Stories, Both Bad And Good](https://thewvsr.com/why-does-this-keep-happening-our-customer-service-stories-both-bad-and-good/) - Well, that went swirling down the ol' poop catcher. I paid good money ($1) for a beautiful Puke Legend! logo, registered a corresponding domain, and launched the big international database of vomit stories. And all was going well... until my hosting company torpedoed the whole thing. Some of you old-timers might remember that I've had
- [Some Reasons I Don't Get Invited To Many Business Dinners, and How We Might Die In Work-Related Accidents](https://thewvsr.com/some-reasons-i-dont-get-invited-to-many-business-dinners-and-how-we-might-die-in-work-related-accidents/) - Last night I went to dinner with some people from work. We were hosting a visitor, wining and dining and yukking it up. It was at a restaurant that I consider fancy-pants – my steak was $42. You know, one of those birthday/ anniversary/ corporate expense account kinds of joints? And I couldn’t read the
- [A Few Quick Things: Trouble With Jars, Wallet Culture, And The Words That Bug Us](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-trouble-with-jars-wallet-culture-and-the-words-that-bug-us/) - I’m now having trouble with jars, my friends. Yes, this is what it’s come to. A few weeks ago I asked Toney to buy sauerkraut during one of her Wegmans runs. You know… for grilled hotdogs. And I couldn’t get the lid off. I’m not kidding, that shit had a vacuum-seal on it that would
- [The World's Saddest Places of Business, and Some Things I'm Actually Enjoying](https://thewvsr.com/the-worlds-saddest-places-of-business-and-some-things-im-actually-enjoying/) - OK, perhaps I'm not qualified to comment on the "world's" saddest places of business, but it made the headline sound better so I went with it. Feel free to file a lawsuit if you'd like. There are a handful of places that I only visit under protest, and to keep the peace with my wife.
- [A Few Quick Things: Verizon's Irritating New Voicemail System, Taking Things Literally As A Kid, And Phrases That Have Gone Out Of Style](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-verizons-irritating-new-voicemail-system-taking-things-literally-as-a-kid-and-phrases-that-have-gone-out-of-style/) - A few weeks ago a new voicemail system downloaded to my phone. It was some kind of deal that would turn voice messages into text messages, and it wasn’t free. I think it cost $4.95 per month. However, it was forced upon me and the only way to get out of it was to call
- [I Know We're Not Supposed To Say Things Like This, But Enough With All The Prince Coverage](https://thewvsr.com/i-know-were-not-supposed-to-say-things-like-this-but-enough-with-all-the-prince-coverage/) - I mean, I liked Prince too. You know, kinda-sorta. I saw him in concert twice, and own quite a few of his albums. But, enough is enough. We officially reached a saturation point on this deal sometime Saturday afternoon, according to my super-calibrated annoyance meter. It’s now time to start backing off. Right? I blame
- [A Few Quick Things: Baseball, Propane, Bad Beer, and Automatic Movie Disqualifiers](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-baseball-propane-bad-beer-and-automatic-movie-disqualifiers/) - I'm in the middle of Day Four of a big nine-day vacation from my job. Back in January Toney and I scheduled the time off, with plans of taking a trip to some beach to be named later. Then we spent what little money we had on getting our deck repaired, and that, as they
- [In Celebration of Biting Off More Than We Can Chew!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-biting-off-more-than-we-can-chew/) - When I moved to Greensboro, NC, at the age of 22 or 23 (there's some debate) I was driving a yellow Chevy Luv truck, very similar to the one in this ad. It remains one of my all-time favorite vehicles. Yes, I loved the Luv, However... the transmission went out in it way too soon.
- [Iggy in the Buff, Millennials in the Workplace, Giant Food, and How Was Your Easter?](https://thewvsr.com/iggy-in-the-buff-millenials-in-the-workplace-giant-food-and-how-was-your-easter/) - Have you seen this?? It's Iggy Pop posing nude for artists at the New York Academy of Art. I read a headline about it several days ago, and thought, "Yeah, OK." All my emotion sensors are burned out by now, and this is my reaction to most "amazing" things. Then I saw the photo above... Good
- [Have You Been The Victim Of Vandalism? Me Too! Let's Share Our Stories](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-been-the-victim-of-vandalism-me-too-lets-share-our-stories/) - Somebody threw an egg at my car. And that’s some level-three bullshit, right there. What the crap, man? It apparently happened overnight, Saturday into Sunday, while the car was parked in our driveway. I assume it was local hooligans, out marauding and working off pent-up ball energy, or whatever. But what if it wasn't? What
- [Random Notes and Pathetic Excuse-Making, Straight from the Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/random-notes-and-pathetic-excuse-making-straight-from-the-bunker/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Sorry I disappeared again. I won’t bore you with the reasons, but it’s mostly work-related. Plus, it took me a long time to get over that weeks-long yuck I found myself trapped inside. I’m not a fan of the weeks-long yuck. In any case, I’m back at the helm. And feeling about
- [The State Of My Fat Ass, vol. 42](https://thewvsr.com/the-state-of-my-fat-ass-vol-42/) - I'm suffering a mopey low-grade yuck. It's been hanging on for more than two weeks now, and enough is officially enough. It's one of those annoying situations where you don't feel horrible, but you certainly don't feel good. For a long time. I'm not a fan of the lingering. I'd prefer a couple days of full-on sickness
- [Say Again?! Welcome To My Big Fat Muffled Week](https://thewvsr.com/say-again-welcome-to-my-big-fat-muffled-week/) - My sound-catchers have shit the bed, my friends. My dad has had trouble with his ears all his life, and passed that gift along to his oldest son. Yes, it's nothing short of fantastic. So, I'm an old pro at this crap, but it's not usually this bad. I often wake up and one of my
- [A Few Quick Things, Vol. 19](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-19/) - While the Super Bowl was underway last night I watched the latest episode of Hell's Kitchen (that obnoxious Jackie needs to go), two episodes of Restaurant Startup (why??), and two hours of The Killing (starting to lose me a bit). I did see about 30 minutes of the game, and it was 10-0 Denver when
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 20](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-20/) - Yesterday I had to piss to like Man o' War, and stopped at a Sheetz to find sweet relief. The place was pandemonium, and I walked in with two doucheketeers approximately 19 years of age. If John Hughes were still alive and making teen comedies, these guys could've easily been slotted into "rich prick" roles.
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 71](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-71/) - We got roughly a half-inch of snow here at Chez Kay from the Storm of the Century(tm). Apparently we were literally on the outer edge of that thing, because everyone was clobbered just a few miles south of us. In fact, there were nine inches on the ground where I work, 36 miles from our
- [Do You Own Every Episode Of Any TV Shows? And Do You Still Buy DVDs At All?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-own-every-episode-of-any-tv-shows-and-do-you-still-buy-dvds-at-all/) - I know, better than most, that DVDs (including Blu-ray) are pretty much yesterday's news. I worked in that industry for many years, and it's quickly going the way of the Fotomat. Not that it makes me happy, mind you. I like to own things. Streaming is fine, but I prefer to POSSESS the stuff I
- [Toney Bought A New Bathroom Scale, And Nothing's Been The Same Since](https://thewvsr.com/toney-bought-a-new-bathroom-scale-and-nothings-been-the-same-since/) - The way it started should've been an indicator. Last Thursday, I think, I was backing out the front door, leaving for work. After I got everything locked up tight, I took a step backward to allow the storm door to close, and tripped over a big-ass Amazon box. It's a wonder I didn't go fully-inverted
- [Have You Ever Lost, Sold, Or Gave Something Away That You Still Regret?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-lost-sold-or-gave-something-away-that-you-still-regret/) - Many years ago, when we were still in Atlanta, Toney and I drove WAY out to the suburbs one Saturday afternoon to attend an open house at a new subdivision that was being built. I don't know what brought this on, because we had never even entertained the notion of buying a house, or (gasp!)
- [I'm Sleeping More Than Ever And Can't Stay Awake! Please Help Me Escape This Hell](https://thewvsr.com/im-sleeping-more-than-ever-and-cant-stay-awake-please-help-me-escape-this-hell/) - Can somebody please explain this to me? If I sleep from 2 am to 10 am, eight hours, I wake up swinging for the fences, feeling great. But if I sleep from midnight to 8 am, also eight hours, I'm dragging massive ass all day and trying to stop myself from building a chin-to-desk drool
- [A Few Quick Things, And Plans For Even More Things!](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-and-my-plans-for-even-more-things/) - Happy new year, I guess. Whatever. Right now, I'm not feeling it. But I hope it's going well for you. I really do. I’m writing this on my laptop at our dining room table drinking coffee that’s too strong because we had to rush out and buy a new coffee maker since the old one
- [High Weirdness On The Subway! Volume 1](https://thewvsr.com/high-weirdness-on-the-subway-volume-1/) - Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
- [We Canceled Our Trip And Repurposed The Money That Would Have Been Spent](https://thewvsr.com/we-canceled-our-trip-and-repurposed-the-money-that-would-have-been-spent/) - We didn't go to Atlantic City. We canceled at the last minute, for various reasons. High on the list: our kids apparently can't be in the same room for more than 30 minutes without arguing. In fact, a few nights ago it escalated to a near fistfight. Yes, the jackassery is strong with those two
- [We're Heading To Atlantic City, And Don't Like To Gamble! Will It Be A Good Time?](https://thewvsr.com/were-heading-to-atlantic-city-and-dont-like-to-gamble-will-it-be-a-good-time/) - It seems improbable and somewhat bizarre, but Toney and I are apparently going to Atlantic City in a few days. It's something we booked during the summer. And we don't "book" things. I mean, seriously. What are we, the Vanderbilts? I can't even remember how this plan came together. Toney likes the ocean during cold
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 864](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-864/) - My new phone is starting to freak me out a little. Last week it began showing me notifications around the time I leave for work that said things like, “Your drive to work today will take 39 minutes. Normal traffic.” It’s useful information, and I’m glad to have it. However… I didn’t set it up.
- [No Sleep For You! And Where Would You Go If You Were Given The Opportunity To Travel Through Time?](https://thewvsr.com/no-sleep-for-you-and-where-would-you-go-if-you-were-given-the-opportunity-to-travel-through-time/) - Last night Toney and I were watching TV, and I was struggling to maintain consciousness. I was dipping in and out of dormancy, and probably looked like Gomer Pyle in a gas leak. Finally, around 10:30 I said fukkit, went upstairs and climbed into bed. And I was wide awake. Again. Why does this happen
- [Famous People With The Same Birthday As You, A New Phone Is Finally On The Way, And Our Favorite And Least Favorite Pies](https://thewvsr.com/famous-people-with-the-same-birthday-as-you-a-new-phone-is-finally-on-the-way-and-our-favorite-and-least-favorite-pies/) - Today is the last day of November, AKA my birthday. Oh, it's quite a celebration going on here at Surf Report Central... The boys are out doing God knows what, with God knows who, and Toney is upstairs working. Andy passes through from time to time, but I think he's just hoping some food will
- [A Few Quick Things: A Divisive Video, Politics On Facebook, My New Gay-Approved Glasses, And A Plea For Some Cell Phone Help](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-a-divisive-video-politics-on-facebook-my-new-gay-approved-glasses-and-a-plea-for-some-cell-phone-help/) - About a year ago, maybe more, I discovered the video above and thought it was hilarious. I shared it here, and was surprised that many (most?) of you didn't see the slightest bit of humor. In fact, it pissed a lot of people off. I recall being confused by the reaction. How could we be
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 394](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Before we get started today, I want to let you guys know that Volume 1 of Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia is finally available as a paperback. I had some problems with it, many problems. I won't go into all the details, 'cause it's boring. But everything's fixed, and hard copies are now available
- [5 Difficult Life Lessons I Learned As A Boyhood Fan Of The Cincinnati Reds](https://thewvsr.com/5-difficult-life-lessons-i-learned-as-a-boyhood-fan-of-the-cincinnati-reds/) - A Surf Reporter, who may or may not want to be identified, sent me this Smoking Fish photo from the just-ended World Series. Very cool! Much appreciated. Although it might be time to update your Fish flier. Sweet Maria. That thing looks like a relic from the Spanish-American War. In any case, it reminded me
- [In Celebration Of Wild Drunken Weddings!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-wild-drunken-weddings/) - I haven't been to an enormous number of weddings, and of the ones I have attended... many were in West Virginia and featured a reception in the basement of a church or something similar. There was no booze at most of these shindigs, just non-alcoholic punch and a sheet cake from the Kroger deli. I'm
- [Craving Some Hard-Hitting Fruit And Vegetable Talk? You've Come To The Right Place!](https://thewvsr.com/craving-some-hard-hitting-fruit-and-vegetable-talk-youve-come-to-the-right-place/) - A few nights ago Toney and I were watching some generic and forgettable show on cable, probably about flipping a house, buying a house, renovating a house or something similar. I've started renaming these programs, by the way. I always feel like I can do better... Yesterday, for instance, we watched a couple of episodes
- [What's The Oldest Item In Your House?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-oldest-item-in-your-house/) - I have some old baseball cards from the early 1900s. Including the 1909 Cy Young tobacco card to the right. You know, Cy Young? Of the Cy Young Award? Yeah, from what I understand... he was pretty good. I bought that baby at an antique store in Charleston, WV back in the 1970s, for $1.
- [4 Things From The Weekend That Had My Attention](https://thewvsr.com/4-things-from-the-weekend-that-had-my-attention/) - How are you guys doing? Good, I hope. Me? Thanks for asking! I'm doing OK. There's not a moment of the day or night when I couldn't go for a little more food and/or sleep. But that's standard. Other than that, things are going reasonably well. On Sunday I spent most of the day working
- [A Few Quick Things: Andy's Condition, Craft Beer Overload, a Great Documentary, and $30,000 for Teenagers](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-andys-condition-craft-beer-overload-a-great-documentary-and-30000-for-teenagers/) - Andy's doing a lot better. It's been a gradual improvement, and by now I'd put him at 85% recovered. He still has a ways to go, but I think we're out of the "dig a hole" zone for now. Whew! It was stressful and scary. But I think he's going to be OK. Thursday was
- [State of the Dog Report: It's Not Good](https://thewvsr.com/state-of-the-dog-report-its-not-good/) - Sad days, my friends. Our beloved Andy (aka Black Lips Houlihan, aka The Finest Example) is not in good health. In fact, this looks like it might be the end. We talked to the vet, and are going to give it one more day, to see if he improves. If not, we have an appointment
- [A Few Quick Things: A Short Play, PTO, One Hit Wonders, and Facebook Pages of the Deceased](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-a-short-play-pto-one-hit-wonders-and-facebook-pages-of-the-deceased/) - Here's a short play I wrote this morning: Husband: What? A man's not allowed to take a dump in his own house?! Wife: Not in the foyer! The End Copyright © 2015 Jeffrey S. Kay Don't steal it! If I see this little gem receiving a Tony Award next year, I'm gonna go full-Geragos on
- [In Celebration Of Our Worst Car Trips Ever!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-our-worst-car-trips-ever/) - When I think of bad car trips, two jump immediately to mind. They're automatic, and come pre-loaded. Then I have to dig a bit deeper. But I certainly have no problem coming up with a handful of road stories gone awry. Today I'd like to share them with you, and let you guys take it
- [In Celebration Of Our Most Memorable Workdays Ever!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-our-most-memorable-workdays-ever/) - I hate when people do this, so I apologize in advance. But I REALLY wish I could talk about what’s been going on at my job. The last two days have been a couple of the craziest ever. And I’m not talking about office politics, or boolshit like that. This is some real Very Special
- [I Love Amazon, But Some Of Their Customers Annoy The Shit Out Of Me](https://thewvsr.com/i-love-amazon-but-some-of-their-customers-annoy-the-shit-out-of-me/) - I read a lot of Amazon customer reviews, due to my non-stop Suggestaholic trolling. And most people are sensible; I don't want to oversell it. But there are a lot of dumbasses and dipshits, as well. I know that statement might knock your world clean off its axis, but I believe it to be true.
- [A Few Quick Things: Coffee, a Dusting of Humiliation, Batshit Crazy Teachers, and Fun at Sears Automotive](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-coffee-a-dusting-of-humiliation-batshit-crazy-teachers-and-fun-at-sears-automotive/) - I have one hour, so let’s get into this thing without delay. Well, right after I pour myself another cup of coffee… OK, I’m back. Yum. This Wegmans store brand is pretty damn good. What kind of coffee do you drink? Do you jump around from brand to brand, or are you loyal to one?
- [Is It Just Me, Or Are TV Commercials Getting More And More Crass And Disgusting?](https://thewvsr.com/is-it-just-me-or-are-tv-commercials-getting-more-and-more-crass-and-disgusting/) - Not that I mind, really. I consider myself to be an amateur curator of the inappropriate. But it amazes me, the things I'm seeing these days. Rosie and Mr. Whipple must be spinning like egg beaters inside their graves at Commercial Icons Memorial Park. Here are a few that jump immediately to mind: Toilet splatter? It
- [I Need A Ruling On My Latest West Virginia Failure, And I'll Share A Couple Of Fresh Annoyances](https://thewvsr.com/i-need-a-ruling-on-my-latest-west-virginia-failure-and-ill-share-a-couple-of-fresh-annoyances/) - Hey, remember last week when I was bragging about actually following through on my plan to go to West Virginia over the weekend? Yeah, it didn't happen. However, it wasn't my fault. Not really. I was all set to go, with Friday and Monday scheduled off from work. The younger boy was going to go
- [An Old Fashioned Topic Dump: Working from Home, an Upcoming Road Trip, Young Ruffians, and Our Fun Facts](https://thewvsr.com/an-old-fashioned-topic-dump-working-from-home-a-road-trip-young-ruffians-and-our-fun-facts/) - Toney is now working from home. She does customer service for a giant company, and is on some sort of dedicated team that only takes calls from a certain type of customer. It's all very mysterious to me. But the new assignment came with a hefty (and welcome) bump in pay, and the opportunity to
- [Return Of TheWVSR: What Were You Doing On The Day This Domain Name Was Registered?](https://thewvsr.com/return-of-thewvsr-what-were-you-doing-on-the-day-this-domain-name-was-registered/) - So, what do you guys think? I'm reasonably happy with it, but something still feels ever-so-slightly askew. Clearly, there's some work left to be done. But my neuroses will take care of it. Just give my full lineup of mental illnesses the time and space to work, and magic will eventually happen. That, or a
- [Please Read: I've Made an Important Decision About the Future of This Website](https://thewvsr.com/ive-made-an-important-decision-about-the-future-of-this-website/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Thank you for not skipping this one; it's a very special episode, like when Blair became a heroin addict on Full House, or whatever. For the past year, maybe longer, I've been toying with a radical idea, and have decided to pull the trigger on it. Frankly, it scares the crap out
- [A Touch o' the Blues, and a Couple of Things I'm Actually Enjoying](https://thewvsr.com/a-touch-o-the-blues-and-a-couple-of-things-im-actually-enjoying/) - Hello Surf Reporters. I'm sorry I've been away so long, but I just couldn't do it. Do you ever reach a point when you're expending whatever emotional and physical energy you have left, simply to survive? And there's nothing remaining in the tank for enthusiasm or laughter, or even human interaction? Yeah, me too. I
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-4-3/) - I think I'm starting to look waxy. Do you know what I'm talking about? When some men reach a certain age, they begin to look like exhibits at a wax museum? Think Billy Crystal, or Jon Voight. Of course, I'm not nearly as old as those bastards, but I can see it all going in
- [I've "Dined" at 94 of These Places. Are You Able to Top My Number?](https://thewvsr.com/ive-dined-at-94-of-these-places-are-you-able-to-top-my-number/) - I posted this at Facebook earlier today. But it's so right up our alley, I decided to feature it here as well. I went through the list, answered honestly, and came up with a grand total of 94 -- out of 230. Of course, many of the places are NOT fast food. Like Cracker Barrel
- [In Celebration of Split Personalities and Radish Burps!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-split-personalities-and-radish-burps/) - So, Nancy is reportedly writing a book of some kind, with another professor. And her writing partner sounds like he might actually be wackier than she is. She told Toney the guy is "absolutely brilliant," but strange. During their most recent meeting, for instance, he announced that he has a split personality. And the Michael
- [What's Been Your Experience with Regional Customs and Stereotypes?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-been-your-experience-with-regional-customs-and-stereotypes/) - Here in the Upper Pierogi Belt, Easter is a HUGE deal. I think it's because 75% of the residents are Catholic. In fact, 75% of our house is Catholic... but that's neither here nor there. Where I'm from Easter meant a basket filled with candy for the kiddies, and a better-than-average Sunday dinner, often with
- [Our Harrowing Day of Dentistry, and Everybody's Favorite Pooping Songs](https://thewvsr.com/our-harrowing-day-of-dentistry-and-everybodys-favorite-pooping-songs/) - Yesterday was strange. The older boy had all four wisdom teeth yanked, and his brother finally had his braces removed. It's been a long-time coming. All this happened early in the morning, before I'd even gotten up. But when everyone came home... the bizarreness kicked in. Our older son was messed up on a full
- [Daytripper: Our Saturday in Manhattan](https://thewvsr.com/daytripper-our-saturday-in-manhattan/) - On Saturday we went to New York City, to celebrate the older boy's 18th birthday. It was on-again, off-again and I wasn't sure the trip was actually going to happen until Friday evening. Too much chaos. There's no planning anymore... gone are the days of the planning. At the beginning of the week "they" were
- [Early Porn Nostalgia, and the Internet Has Burned Out My Pleasure Centers!](https://thewvsr.com/early-porn-nostalgia-and-the-internet-has-burned-out-my-pleasure-centers/) - Today I saw a headline on Drudge which featured the phrase “lab-grown vaginas,” and I didn’t even bother to click through. It was mildly intriguing, but not enough to make me want to investigate further. It’s amazing how high the bar has been set, in this internet age. Right? A news article about a team
- [The State of My Fat Ass: April 2014](https://thewvsr.com/the-state-of-my-fat-ass-april-2014/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Today I'm going to interrupt the sporadic, questionable, and inconsistent "comedy," and bring you up to date on a few things: behind the scenes kinda shit. First of all... I don't do this as much as I used to do, mostly because it makes me sad. But if you ever felt the
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 5](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-5/) - We just mailed our check to the IRS. Once again, we owe. The good news? It's only five bucks. I believe we owe something like three dollars to the state of Pennsylvania, and our accountant praised us for being in the "sweet spot." Meaning, I guess, not owing and not getting a refund. That's what
- [Buying Taco Salad Ingredients with a Grouchy Old Wart-Spangled Man!](https://thewvsr.com/buying-taco-salad-ingredients-with-a-grouchy-old-wart-spangled-man/) - I was at work a few nights ago, and walked through a room where three or four people were talking. As I passed by, one of them said, “Why don’t you ask Jeff? I bet he’d know.” Then they all busted out laughing. I executed one of those military heel-turns, and went over to them.
- [These Are the Stories We'll Be Covering For You, Right After a Word From Our Sponsor](https://thewvsr.com/these-are-the-stories-well-covering-for-you-right-after-a-word-from-our-sponsor/)
- [Do You Have a Relationship with Wal-Mart? Please Tell Us About It](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-have-a-relationship-with-wal-mart-please-tell-us-about-it/) - On Saturday I gathered some courage, and voluntarily walked into a Wal-Mart. During the middle of the day. On a weekend. I only go there to buy contact lens solution, and usually do so on my way home from work -- at 2 a.m. But I'd procrastinated myself into a desperate situation, and was forced
- [15 Simple Ways to Distinguish Yourself During a Job Interview](https://thewvsr.com/15-simple-ways-to-distinguish-yourself-during-a-job-interview/) - Immediately before your appointment take a few moments to eat a sleeve of Oreo cookies. Be sure not to wipe your mouth or lick your teeth before the interview begins. Throughout the interview suddenly shout, "Say again?!" at random times. This is especially effective when nobody is talking. Whenever possible reach across the table and
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 417](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-417/) - I had my health screening at work this week. Turns out I'm fat. It was a tough thing to learn, but I'm doing OK... I think I'm almost over the shock, and have moved on toward acceptance. Please keep me in your thoughts, my friends. Heh. Actually, everything checked out. Even my blood pressure was
- [Bunker Cam: Ugh, Weddings Are Soooo Boring](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-ugh-weddings-are-soooo-boring/)
- [In Celebration of Our Most Ridiculous Co-Workers!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-our-most-ridiculous-co-workers/) - About twenty years ago, in a different city and state, I worked with two of the most ridiculous people I've ever met. Today I'd like to take a few moments to tell you about them... and then turn it over to you guys, for your own stories of co-workers gone wild. Do we have a
- [Groundscore! Tell Us About the Valuable Stuff You've Found](https://thewvsr.com/groundscore-tell-us-about-the-valuable-stuff-youve-found/) - A few days ago, while pumping gas at Sheetz, I found a twenty dollar bill. It was crumpled, like a wounded bird, lying on the pavement between the pumps and the store. It's been really windy up here, so I stomped on it with my stomping foot; I always stomp with my right, never my
- [6 Hilarious Selections from the Massive Surf Report Photo Library](https://thewvsr.com/6-random-selections-from-the-massive-surf-report-photo-library/)
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 61](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-61-2/) - I know you guys might find this difficult to believe, but I'm pressed for time today. Yes, my life is the proverbial "ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack" at this point. So, let's just jump right into it, and see what happens. From the Always Feeling Guilty Desk: There's a new thousand-page
- [19th Century Personal Ad: What Are Your Feelings About Gertrude?](https://thewvsr.com/19th-century-personal-ad-what-are-your-feelings-about-gertrude/)
- [Who Is The Worst Person You've Ever Met?](https://thewvsr.com/who-is-the-worst-person-youve-ever-met/) - Many years ago, during a different lifetime, I met one of the worst people in the world. Well, maybe he didn't rise to the level of foreign dictators who visited genocide upon their countries. But he was certainly one of the worst people I've known personally. He was a kinda-sorta co-worker, who was hired as
- [Bunker Cam: For Some Reason I'm Thinking 'French Porn'](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-for-some-reason-im-thinking-french-porn/)
- [3 Really Quick Things, vol. 84](https://thewvsr.com/3-really-quick-things-vol-84/) - Surf Reporter Alex sent the above photo to me a few days ago, via Facebook. Pretty weird, huh? I'm assuming it's a white water rafter, or somesuch? I don't believe it has anything to do with this site. What are your thoughts on it? If you click on it, you'll get a larger version. Strangeness.
- [On Saturday I Almost Had a Heart Attack on Three Separate Occasions](https://thewvsr.com/on-saturday-i-almost-had-a-heart-attack-on-three-separate-occasions/) - Saturday was a stressful, jam-packed day for your corpulent correspondent. I nearly had a heart attack on three separate occasions, and was on the verge of tears at least once. Way too much emotion for my tastes... I worked the night before, and got up earlier than normal to attend our oldest son's last swim
- [Bunker Cam: There's High, And Then There's JOHNNY CASH High](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-theres-high-and-then-theres-johnny-cash-high/)
- [Scary: Two Unsmiling Cops at Our Front Door, Demanding Answers](https://thewvsr.com/scary-two-unsmiling-cops-at-our-front-door-demanding-answers/) - My heart almost flew apart in my chest a few minutes ago. I was coming down the stairs, after making the bed (somehow my job since 1992), and somebody started BANGING on the front door. Andy lost his shit, of course, and I was alarmed by the aggressiveness of the knocking. Was this a home invasion,
- [Bunker Cam: Just Another Day at the Institute](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-just-another-day-at-the-institute/)
- [Dispatch From the Bunker, vol. 601](https://thewvsr.com/dispatch-from-the-bunker-vol-601/) - I wish I could tell you guys everything that goes on in my ridiculous little world. But I can't. I work for a company that's internet savvy, so that's out: nothing about work. And I don't always feel comfortable writing about my kids, and their lives. Indeed, there was a time, years ago, when I
- [Further Evidence: Bathrooms Gone Horribly Wrong!](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-bathrooms-gone-horribly-wrong/) - Hilarious photos of crazy and ridiculous bathroom design.
- [Bunker Cam: Dude Grew Through His Shoes?!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-dude-grew-through-his-shoes/)
- [Watch John Lydon Make a Mockery of American Bandstand and The Tomorrow Show](https://thewvsr.com/john-lydon-makes-a-mockery-of-american-bandstand-and-the-tomorrow-show/) - Two legendary clips of John Lydon, AKA Johnny Rotten, turning appearances on American television into pure, beautiful chaos. Both from 1980.
- [My Vow to You: This Will Be My Final Post About Snow in 2014 (Most Likely)](https://thewvsr.com/my-vow-to-you-this-will-be-my-final-post-about-snow-in-2014-most-likely/) - After being hammered by snow on Thursday, another six inches fell on Friday. We’re so beaten-down by now, it felt like nothing. But I had to go out there and shovel again, before I left for work. And I’ve about had it with that crap. Our driveway is almost like a tunnel at this point;
- [Further Evidence The End Is Near: Literally?](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-the-end-is-near-literally/) - No wonder it's so goddamn cold.
- [Bunker Cam: Definitely My Favorite Part of the Olympics Opening Ceremonies](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-definitely-my-favorite-part-of-the-olympics-opening-ceremonies/)
- [How Did You Fare During This Week's Storm of the Century?](https://thewvsr.com/how-did-you-fare-during-this-weeks-storm-of-the-century/) - I don't know how many inches of snow fell on the Upper Perogie Belt yesterday and last night, but it was a lot. When I got out of bed Thursday morning, it was dumping something like an inch per hour. It was crazy. Toney and I watched the news, and they said it wouldn't stop
- [Bunker Cam: North Carolina Doesn't Half-Step When It Comes To Snow](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-north-carolina-doesnt-half-step-when-it-comes-to-snow/)
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 813](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-813/) - A little insider information: I hate Monday's update. I had "stereotypes are true" written in my notebook, and it felt like a solid premise; I got a good feeling when I read it. But I booted the whole thing. I wrote it too quickly, and didn't do a very good job: a missed opportunity. So,
- [Bunker Cam: Can I Refresh That Sack For You?](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-can-i-refresh-that-sack-for-you/)
- [In Celebration of Stereotypes!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-stereotypes/) - Yesterday I went to Books a Million with my younger son, and had lunch at Subway. It might've been the only time I left the house during the whole weekend. And we discovered that stereotypes are often true. Of course I already knew this, but it was confirmed big-time yesterday afternoon. People like to say
- [Bunker Cam: The "Digital Prophet" Goes Full-Controversial](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-the-digital-prophet-goes-full-controversial/)
- [Bunker Cam: Please Help Me Understand What's Going On Here](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-please-help-me-understand-whats-going-on-here/)
- [A Story That Still Annoys the Shit Out of Me, Yet Garners Very Little Sympathy](https://thewvsr.com/a-story-that-still-annoys-the-shit-out-of-me-yet-garners-very-little-sympathy/) - I hate to put this horrible image into your heads, but I was thinking about something while taking a shower a few minutes ago. It's a story that still annoys me, yet whenever I try to explain it... NOBODY is sympathetic. They always seize upon an unimportant part of the tale, and go off on
- [Bunker Cam: Honk If You Love Biker Bars!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-honk-if-you-love-biker-bars/)
- [Bunker Cam: I Think the "Planning" Part Still Needs a Little Work](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-i-think-the-planning-part-still-needs-a-little-work/)
- [The Big Game, Frozen Fog, and Closure on the Canadian Gift Certificate](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-game-frozen-fog-and-closure-on-the-canadian-gift-certificate/) - Don't you guys think it's time for the Super Bowl to drop the Roman numerals already? I'm sure it seemed jazzy and cool in the beginning, but now there's an L involved. Clearly, it's gone too far when the L appears. Right? What's next, a square? A top hat? It's ludicrous. Led Zeppelin (not to
- [Bunker Cam: Always Steer Your Wiener INTO the Skid](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-always-turn-your-wiener-into-the-skid/)
- [Further Evidence: Smell Exactly Like Gavin MacLeod! Thanks to Our Friends at Hormel](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-smell-exactly-like-gavin-macleod-thanks-to-our-friends-at-hormel/)
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 419](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-419-2/) - I wore a tie the other day, and... it wasn't good. You know how you sometimes wake up, and can't talk very well? The words just don't flow like they did the day before? I was in one of those zones, and struggled. I was blubbering and flailing like a protruding-forehead idiot. But, of course,
- [I Don't Understand Offended, But Am Well-Acquainted With Hopeless](https://thewvsr.com/i-dont-understand-offended-but-am-well-acquainted-with-hopeless/) - There's a line in Crossroads Road that infuriated some humorless stick-up-the-ass woman a couple of years ago, who promptly rewarded me with a one-star review at Amazon or Goodreads, I can't remember which. It was something along these lines: I'm not really the psychiatrist-visiting type, I'm from West Virginia. It's a funny line, and I
- [Bunker Cam: Can You Hear Me Now?](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-can-you-hear-me-now/)
- [Bunker Cam: Earn Club Card Points Too!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-earn-club-card-points-too/)
- [Bunker Cam: Just Another Normal Thursday Night](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-just-another-normal-thursday-night/)
- [What I've Learned About Ear Trouble, My Exciting Retirement Plan, and Cheap Beer](https://thewvsr.com/what-ive-learned-about-ear-trouble-my-exciting-retirement-plan-and-cheap-beer/) - I know it probably sounds like I've gone full-Noss on this thing, but I'm still not feeling great. It's been a week, and I haven't been able to get all the way back to normal. I'm well enough to work, of course. But my head feels like it's packed out with a roll of that
- [Bunker Cam: Surf Report Endorsed Behavior! Hell Yeah](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-surf-report-endorsed-behavior-hell-yeah/)
- [Bunker Cam: One Hell of a Savings!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-one-hell-of-a-savings/)
- [Ghoul Pool: Submit Your Lists of Predicted Celebrity Deaths in 2014! ](https://thewvsr.com/ghoul-pool-submit-your-lists-of-predicted-celebrity-deaths-in-2014/) - Earlier this week two beloved television actors from my youth died on the same day: Dave Madden and Russell Johnson. Or, as they're more commonly known, Reuben Kincaid and the Professor. On Twitter I reminded everyone these things always happen in threes, so Schneider had better lay low for a while. So far he's dodged
- [What's the Most Time You've Missed at Work Because of Sickness or Injury?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-most-time-youve-missed-at-work-because-of-sickness-or-injury/) - I felt a little off at work on Monday, and it continued to go downhill as the night progressed. By the end I was shivering, and zapped of all my energy. I drove home and thrashed around in bed for a few hours, never really getting into a deep sleep. And I was cold, cold
- [Bunker Cam: White Board Philosopher Spells It Out For Us](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-white-board-philosopher-spells-it-out-for-us/)
- [Bunker Cam: Behold, the Golfer's Tan](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-behold-the-golfers-tan/)
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 229](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-229/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope your day is going well. I'm returning to work in an hour or so, but had two full days away from that place. And man, it was nice. Usually my work/home balance is: I work all the time, and sleep at home. But I resisted social pressure, and took two
- [Recommended! The Jean Shepherd Radio Show](https://thewvsr.com/recommended-the-jean-shepherd-radio-show/) - A few years ago I didn’t know a thing about Jean Shepherd. I’d seen his name associated with A Christmas Story, one of my favorite holiday movies, and had assumed he was a woman. I mean, Jean, spelled with a J, is a woman’s name, isn’t it? But, of course, he was a man. In fact,
- [Bunker Cam: The Thing Dutch Children See In Their Nightmares](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-the-thing-dutch-children-see-in-their-nightmares/)
- [A Few Random Things, and the Bad Habits We've Successfully Broken](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-random-things-and-the-bad-habits-weve-successfully-broken/) - OK, I have about an hour before I have to leave for work. Let's see what we can do here. Sweet sainted mother of Buster Bloodvessel! The older boy is home sick today. Says he has the flu. Needless to say, I'm skeptical. I'm always skeptical when people tell me they have the flu. It's
- [Bunker Cam: New York City Apartments Sure Do Seem Cozy](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-new-york-city-apartments-sure-do-seem-cozy/) - Just watch out for that table corner when you're sitting down. And you might want to use a dribble tarp while eating Hot Pockets on the throne. Molten hot cheese and a tucked wang do not mix.
- [Further Evidence: Comments from a Porn Website on Stock Photos](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-comments-from-a-porn-website-on-stock-photos/) - Be forewarned... some of these comments are downright filthy. So, if that kind of thing bothers you, you'll probably want to skip this one. Me? I was laughing my ass off. This is easily the funniest thing I've seen today, and makes me jealous I didn't think of it first. The concept is so perfect
- [Further Evidence: What Would You Do If You Received a Note Like This One?](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-what-would-you-do-if-you-received-a-note-like-this-one/)
- [Bunker Cam: "So, Are You Guys Still Doing Breakfast, or What?"](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-so-are-you-guys-still-doing-breakfast-or-what/)
- [Further Evidence: Mothers Know This Is A Wholesome Combination](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-mothers-know-this-is-a-wholesome-combination/)
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 519](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-519/) - I talk with my parents on Sunday mornings. It's time set aside for us to catch up, and for them to speak with the boys, etc. We've been doing it this way for years, but it seems to be breaking down. They're in Florida, you see, amongst a couple hundred of their closest friends at
- [Bunker Cam: An Interesting Use of Energy and Time](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-an-interesting-use-of-energy-and-time/) - High achiever.
- [Further Evidence: Lunatic 1950s Mom Used Her Young Daughters In Knife-Throwing Stunt](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-1950s-mom-used-her-young-daughters-in-knife-throwing-stunt/) - This is some crazy shit. An obviously deranged 1950s mother, who looked almost exactly like Mrs. Forman on That 70s Show, used her two young daughters to raise the stakes in her knife-throwing act. Nowadays Child Protective Services wants to launch an investigation if a parent includes a couple of E.L. Fudge cookies in a
- [Further Evidence: Team of Scientists Studying the DIRECTION Dogs Poop](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-team-of-scientists-studying-the-direction-dogs-poop/) - You know an article is going to be a keeper when it contains the words "Czech and German researchers studied 70 dogs during 1,893 defecations..." According to this piece scientists believe dogs align themselves with the Earth's magnetic field while shitting. So, all those tight circles your pookie is turning, before serving up an order of
- [Further Evidence: 'Bum to Electric Fence Challenge' Goes Hilariously Wrong](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-bum-to-electric-fence-challenge-goes-hilariously-wrong/) - It's heartening to be reminded, now and again, that America doesn't have the market totally cornered on dumbasses. This video was shot in New Zealand, and features an annoying girl threatening to touch her bare 'bum' to an electric fence. When she finally does it, the results are gratifying. And her friend, behind the camera,
- [Bunker Cam: Cinder Block Rock!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-cinder-block-rock/)
- [A New Year, Site Changes, Weather Concerns, and Lame Excuses for Missing Work](https://thewvsr.com/a-new-year-site-changes-weather-concerns-and-lame-excuses-for-missing-work/) - So, how's 2014 treating you so far? I'd give it a B-. Nothing too horrible, but I'm tired. I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn this morning to take the younger boy to the orthodontist, and the morning hours don't agree with us night people. I'd love to call off from
- [Further Evidence: Gallery of Antique European Street Urinals](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-gallery-of-antique-european-street-urinals/) - I didn't even know these things existed, especially as far back as the 1880s. I thought people just pissed in the street back then, like they do in Atlanta today? I appreciate the workmanship; we don't even bother to build houses as nice as the pee huts of the late 19th Century. They were reportedly called
- [Bunker Cam: Meet a Couple of World-Class Gutter Installation Experts!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-meet-a-couple-of-world-class-gutter-installation-experts/) - Why do I get the feeling a case of Keystone Light may have played a part in this "improvement?"
- [Further Evidence the End is Near: Ripped Flesh Garters](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-the-end-is-near-ripped-flesh-garters/) - Ladies, are you looking for a unique accessory to tie together your new outfit? May we suggest a set of Ripped Flesh Garters? They will make it appear your thighs are rotting away, and the skin is pulling apart! Just like they're doing it in Paris this season. There's also the added illusion of copious
- [Bunker Cam: This Kinda Reminds Me of the Apartment I Shared With My Brother in Greensboro](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam-this-kinda-reminds-me-of-the-apartment-i-shared-with-my-brother-in-greensboro/) - Except our porn collection wasn't quite so extensive.
- [What Are Your Thoughts On Drinking Games? I Never Much Cared For Them Myself](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-thoughts-on-drinking-games-i-never-much-cared-for-them-myself/) - I'm not really a fan of drinking games. Oh sure, it's fun -- in theory -- to imagine taking a shot of booze every time someone says "know what I'm sayin'?" during the Dr. Dre episode of Behind the Music, or something similar. But if a person were to actually attempt such a thing, they'd
- [How Was Your Christmas? Mine Was Dyn-O-Mite!](https://thewvsr.com/how-was-your-christmas-mine-was-dyn-o-mite/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope you guys had a pleasant Christmas. I'd rate mine a solid B+. Nothing overly exciting, but calm and relaxing. And at this point I put a premium on calm and relaxing. I worked until 7:30 on Christmas Eve, and when I got home there was a full spread of food
- [My Hazy, Dreamlike Trip to Philadelphia ](https://thewvsr.com/my-hazy-dreamlike-trip-to-philadelphia/) - Yesterday I drove to Philadelphia and back, to pick up a set of restored 1970s stereo speakers. Our very own Dr. Buford buys them at yard sales etc., and cleans ‘em up and replaces the wiring. I wanted to get a set for our younger boy, who seems to have been born a few decades
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-4-2/) - I'm not sure I have this exactly right, my attention to detail is sometimes called into question, but I think one of the guys from ZZ Top killed a gay dude. Is that correct? Did you hear about this? Any additional information is appreciated. How are you guys doing? I'm exhausted, and have been dealing
- [Ridiculous Adventures in Suburbia: Clothes Shopping with Jeff at the Mall!](https://thewvsr.com/ridiculous-adventures-in-suburbia-clothes-shopping-with-jeff-at-the-mall/) - I lead a fairly sheltered life, and don't even visit Facebook very often. So, I might be way off on this. But it doesn't feel like I've heard too many insufferable blowhards pontificating about the over-commercialization of Christmas this year. Have I missed it? It's a holiday tradition that seems to be lacking in 2013.
- [How's the Holiday Prep-Work Going? Are You Finished, or Flailing?](https://thewvsr.com/hows-the-holiday-prep-work-going-are-you-finished-or-flailing/) - Yeah, I don't like my new work situation. I hate to sound like a delicate flower pussling-child, but it's kicking my ass. And it's hard to understand why. I've been working 50 or 60 hours every week, forever. But now that I'm working a set schedule of 50 hours, I'm struggling. The non-stop stress doesn't help.
- [If You Had to Be Trapped Inside a TV Show for a Month, Which One Would You Choose?](https://thewvsr.com/if-you-had-to-be-trapped-inside-a-tv-show-for-a-month-which-one-would-you-choose/) - I don't believe we've ever done this one before, which is a rarity at this point. If, through an unlikely series of events, you were required to live a month inside a television show, which one would you choose, and why? I automatically gravitate toward sitcoms. And, in my mind there are plenty of great
- [Two Possibly Surprising Things I've Never Done, and Hope to Never Do](https://thewvsr.com/two-possibly-surprising-things-ive-never-done-and-hope-to-never-do/) - I've written updates before where I listed surprising things I've never done (shit at work, watched any of the Godfather movies, tasted Lucky Charms). But today I'm going to tell you about three possibly surprising things I've never done, and NEVER will do. You know, if I have any say in the matter. I'd like
- [My Life Is A Shambles, vol. 224](https://thewvsr.com/my-life-is-a-shambles-vol-224/) - By the time my dad was the age I am now, he was retired from his main job (with a pension), and pulling down big bucks from his part-time job as a mechanic. I’m still trying to find my way, and he was about done by this point. It’s one of those things I try
- [Why Do People Hate Cell Phones So Much? They're Fantastic!](https://thewvsr.com/why-do-people-hate-cell-phones-so-much-theyre-fantastic/) - When I was in West Virginia recently, my mother reacted negatively every time I dared to even glance at my phone. She would either launch into a diatribe about it, sigh theatrically, or shake her head in deep, deep disappointment. I know how she feels about cell phones (also Facebook), so I kept my glancing
- [An Album I Love, But Hate to Hear](https://thewvsr.com/an-album-i-love-but-hate-to-hear/) - Last night I listened to Marc Maron's interview with Lou Barlow, of Dinosaur Jr., Sebadoh, and Folk Implosion semi-fame. I love Lou, and have listened to some of the Sebadoh albums almost as often as the classic Dinosaur records. There was a lot of discussion in the interview about what led to Lou being fired
- [I Had an Entire Week Away from Work and Squandered It!](https://thewvsr.com/i-had-an-entire-week-away-from-work-and-squandered-it/) - I was off from work last week, and accomplished next to nothing. I had a cold for most of that time, my back ached and I walked around like some 80 year old man with a hump. Plus, everybody was home. The boys were supposed to be in school until midday on Wednesday, but... you
- [Reviewing the Mayhem: Black Friday 2013!](https://thewvsr.com/reviewing-the-mayhem-black-friday-2013/) - Last night on Twitter I made a comment about it being 12:30 a.m. on the East Coast, and how I was surprised there hadn't been any headlines yet about someone being trampled at a Wal-Mart. In fact, at that point I couldn't find a single article about Black Friday mayhem. How was it possible?! Weren't
- [How's Your Holiday Going? Any Fistfights or Tears? Unburden Yourself Here ](https://thewvsr.com/hows-your-holiday-going-any-fistfights-or-tears-unburden-yourself-here/) - Yesterday Toney and I were watching the local news, and they had an impossibly dull man demonstrate how to carve a turkey, without putting the carver or his family at risk. At risk! They think we're incapable of cutting our food now, without slicing off a hand or decapitating a baby. Yeah I know, people
- [A Bad Cold, an Aching Back, and a 48-Hour Erection](https://thewvsr.com/a-bad-cold-an-aching-back-and-a-48-hour-erection/) - I'm a mess. I've got a cold, which is dragging me down, and my lower back has been hurting for two days. Ironically, I started a week's vacation yesterday. Classic, huh? I have a formidable to-do list, but just want to stretch out on the couch and watch Netflix. So far I've resisted the siren
- [HostGator Shut Down the Surf Report, and Wouldn't Really Tell Me Why!](https://thewvsr.com/hostgator-shut-down-the-surf-report-and-wouldnt-really-tell-me-why/) - A few days ago I received an email from my FORMER hosting company -- HostGator -- telling me my sites had been suspended. The reason was unclear, and they didn't answer my WTF?? email for about 15 hours. I was at work for most of that time, so I was distracted and it saved me
- [My Crazy Ride Home, Some Guilt-Free Time Off, and Our Plans for the Holiday](https://thewvsr.com/my-crazy-ride-home-some-guilt-free-time-off-and-our-plans-for-the-holiday/) - My ride home last night was pretty interesting. The wind was blasting like the ass of an obese, lactose intolerant pipefitter, and the whole world was filled with swirling leaves. It felt like I was inside a snow globe, because of all the flying leaves. It was alternately cool as hell, and unnerving. Occasionally a
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 49](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-49/) - So, I’m reportedly an “influencer” on Twitter now. And because of this, companies are offering me things. I’ve received two $5 gift cards from McDonald’s so far, and was also invited to watch the first three episodes of a new TV show that hasn’t aired yet. I’m not sure how I achieved influencer status, but
- [The Subjects Nobody Should Talk About, Because They're Too Goddamn Boring](https://thewvsr.com/the-subjects-nobody-should-talk-about-because-theyre-too-goddamn-boring/) - Last night at work I listened to the latest episode of This American Life. In it, they spoke to the mother of one of the show's producers, who has strong opinions about things. She's an older British lady, and I liked her immediately. She's no-nonsense, and has a low-tolerance for asshattery. They were talking, specifically,
- [Have You Ever Known Anyone Named Gary? Please Tell Us About Him](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-known-anyone-named-gary-please-tell-us-about-him/) - Have you ever known a Gary? If so, please tell us about him. We've done roundups of Kevins and Donnas, and now it's time for the Garys! Can you feel the excitement in the air? Hell yeah. Two Garys jump immediately to my mind. One was a friend in high school. His given name was Gary,
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 213](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-213/) - Just so you know: I once saw the Commodores in concert. My girlfriend liked them, and we went. There was a lot of choreography, as I recall. And that's about all I remember about it. I also attended a Rick Springfield concert with the same girlfriend, as well as a Hall & Oates show. H&O
- [Noticing my Browser, Cooking for the Family, and Our Super-Powers of Choice](https://thewvsr.com/noticing-my-browser-cooking-for-the-family-and-our-super-powers-of-choice/) - I've been using Firefox as my browser o' choice for several years, and never really thought about it. Which is a good thing: if you're thinking about your browser, something ain't right. But over the past couple of weeks it's been causing me problems. Did something change? Some "enhancement" that rendered the application noticeable? Whenever
- [Tell Us Your Tales of Doggie Destruction!](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-your-tales-of-doggie-destruction/) - I massively overslept today. I was freaking exhausted. In fact, someone at work told me I looked "horrible" last night. How flattering. So, I put in about nine hours atop the platform, and feel roughly a million times better. However... there's not much time for an update. So, I'm going to have to rely on
- [Small Town Legends, and the Famous People Who Lived There](https://thewvsr.com/small-town-legends-and-the-famous-people-who-lived-there/) - I just started reading a new book about Charles Manson, and it's already blowing my mind, maaaan. All my life I've heard people say that Manson lived in Charleston, WV when he was a kid, but I was never sure if it was true or not. I encounter an enormous amount of horseshit in my
- [More Random People Tweeting About What's Going On in the Bathroom at Work](https://thewvsr.com/more-random-people-tweeting-about-whats-going-on-in-the-bathroom-at-work/) - Here are some additional updates, from last year. Do you have have any stories to share about the bathroom at your job? Any remarkable tales to tell? Use the comments link below. And I'll see you guys again tomorrow. Have a great day! Now playing in the bunker Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
- [More Notes from the Road: The Final Conflict](https://thewvsr.com/more-notes-from-the-road-the-final-conflict/) - OK, this is going to be the last update about my quickie road trip to West Virginia last week. You have my word on it. There are just a few loose ends I need to tie up here, and we'll get back to the "normal" stuff. Do we have a deal? Good. Let's get started.
- [Reasons For Admission: Every One of Us Could've Been Locked Away in an Insane Asylum](https://thewvsr.com/reasons-for-admission-every-one-of-us-could-be-locked-up-in-an-insane-asylum/) - West Virginia Hospital for the Insane (Weston) October 22, 1864 to December 12, 1889 These are actual justifications, taken from official records, for admission of patients into the luxurious (I'm certain) and delicately named West Virginia Hospital for the Insane, during the years following the Civil War. Besides being comedy gold, I have little doubt
- [A Few Comments I Wouldn't Mind Leaving at Facebook](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-comments-i-sometimes-feel-like-leaving-at-facebook/) - That's a baby? Seriously? I thought it was something they found washed up on a beach in Oregon. Yes, your daughter is lovely. I hope she enjoys it, before your genes activate and her ass blows out to the size of a credenza. Thank you for sharing that blurry photo of a muffin! My life
- [Some More Notes from the Road: As Many As I Could Squeeze In](https://thewvsr.com/some-more-notes-from-the-road-as-many-as-i-could-squeeze-in/) - I hadn't seen my parents in over a year, and felt guilty about it. There's always a valid reason not to make the trip down there. Our lives are so complicated and packed-out, it's not difficult to justify putting it off for a while, and then a little while more. But, I did it. And
- [Dispatch from the Road: Thoughts and Aggravations While Traveling Southbound](https://thewvsr.com/dispatch-from-the-road-thoughts-and-aggravations-while-traveling-southbound/) - I’m in West Virginia, drinking a Keystone Light from my father’s stash. What of it? Desperate times call for desperate measures. I arrived at my parents’ house last night, and the drive was long and NOTHING like meditation. The first half was annoying for all the usual reasons: endless road construction, and an inordinate number
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 322](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-322/) - Thanks for all the tips on how I should handle my hasty promise to cook the family dinner every Saturday night. I'm going to try a few of your recipes, I really am. The one with chicken breasts and a shitload of cilantro sounded especially good. Needless to say, I'll document everything here. Please stay
- [Please Help Me! I Think I Wrote a Check My Ass Can't Cash](https://thewvsr.com/please-help-me-i-think-i-wrote-a-check-my-ass-cant-cash/) - I made a commitment a few days ago which might come back to haunt me. Toney started a new schedule at her job, which requires her to work on Saturdays. She's never really worked on weekends, so it's going to be weird. But I told her I'd cook dinner that night -- just blurted it
- [Have You Ever Known Anyone Named Donna? Please Tell Us About Her](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-known-anyone-named-donna-were-going-to-need-to-know-about-her/) - Since our recent roundup of Kevins was such a success, I've decided to do it again. This time with a girl name. And just so you know... I'm making these choices from lists of the most popular baby names of 1965. Lisa was the most popular female name that year, but I don't get a
- [The Most Important Five Years of Our Lives: How Did You Handle Them?](https://thewvsr.com/the-most-important-five-years-of-our-lives-how-did-you-handle-them/) - I was listening to Adam Carolla's podcast a couple of nights ago, and he said something I believe is true, but had never articulated inside my beleaguered brain as clearly as he did. Nick Offerman was the guest, and the two of them were talking about the importance of living a balanced life. Meaning: there
- [A Roundup of Kevins! It's Important Work We Do Here](https://thewvsr.com/a-roundup-of-kevins-its-important-work-we-do-here/) - Yeah, I'm basically going to need you guys to write this update. I hope that's OK? I have to be at work an hour early, got up an hour late, and if you need more excuses just email me, and I can provide 'em. And so, for today's descent into absurdity, please tell us about
- [A Moment of Terror in the Front Yard, and Our Stories of the Road](https://thewvsr.com/a-moment-of-terror-in-the-front-yard-and-our-stories-of-the-road/) - A few minutes ago I let our dog Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) out to sling some urine and whatnot, and was standing on the porch officiating. I was enjoying a cup of Eight O'clock coffee, amazed at how beautiful it was out there: perfect fall weather. Sometimes I forget about the real world. Then a
- [12 Signs You Might Be Staying at a Bad Hotel](https://thewvsr.com/12-signs-you-might-be-staying-at-a-bad-hotel/) - The man at the front desk informs you your room door is missing its knob, and hands you a chain and padlock instead. You find a human jawbone in the nightstand drawer. Rats are having sex on the lawn. Occasionally the lights dim, and a man’s muffled screams can be heard in the distance. You
- [Tell Us About the Things You Used to Love, and Now Do Not](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-things-you-used-to-love-and-now-dont-know-why/) - This is my one day off this week, and it's been lazy as a mofo so far. I posted a bunch of nonsense at Twitter and Facebook, ate a frozen Marlene Deitrich meatloaf dinner, and listened to Franz Ferdinand and Arctic Monkeys. And that's pretty much been the extent of it. Toney has been setting
- [The Stuff We Haven't Eaten Since We Were Kids -- Or Ever](https://thewvsr.com/the-stuff-we-havent-eaten-since-we-were-kids-or-ever/) - Last night I was talking to our older boy on the phone. He and his brother had just returned home from swim practice, and this is part of our conversation: Me: What are you doing? Him: Getting ready to have dinner. Me: At 8 o'clock? Him: Yeah, I'm starving. Me: What are you having, a
- [Fast Food Signs Gone Horribly Wrong!](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-signs-gone-horribly-wrong/) - Click here for more fast food craziness
- [Why Do Some Friendships Last, and Others Go Circling Down the Ol' Crap Catcher?](https://thewvsr.com/why-do-some-friendships-last-and-others-go-circling-down-the-ol-crap-catcher/) - I had a close friend in high school who was into a lot of the same things as me: drinking, wacked-out music, baseball, insensitive and sarcastic remarks... Oh, and did I mention drinking? If you'd asked me in 1980, I would've predicted we'd always be friends, until one of us finally destroyed a vital organ
- [I Just Completed Some Management Training That Nearly Made Me Cry Like A Schoolgirl](https://thewvsr.com/i-just-completed-some-management-training-that-nearly-made-me-cry-like-a-schoolgirl/) - So, yeah. I made a vow to update more often, and really work on this website in October. And the very first week... I missed two days. Who could've seen it coming? I'm usually so consistent. But, I have a good excuse. I was in a management training class on Thursday and Friday, which ran
- [Asshole of the Week: People Who Don't Throw Their Trash Away at Fast Food Restaurants](https://thewvsr.com/asshole-of-the-week-people-who-dont-throw-their-trash-away-at-fast-food-restaurants/) - This might come as a shock to a few of you, but I sometimes find myself in a state of agitation. Stupidity is often the trigger, but there's not much we can do about it. There's no antidote for dumbass. It's been around forever, and is clearly flourishing in modern society. The problem? Idiots are
- [Barbershop Appreciation, Haircut Nostalgia, and a Smattering of Profanity](https://thewvsr.com/a-thousand-word-update-about-haircut-nostalgia-what-of-it/) - Gillespie's Barber Shop, on 12th Street in Dunbar, was where I received my first haircut. I don't remember it, of course, but my mom says I cried the whole time, and there was an abundance of "snot and tears." Sounds about right. I was always a fan of the wild outta control crying jag, until
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 117](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-117/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope your weekends were pleasant. Mine was OK. Thanks for asking. I got to spend most of Saturday with the older boy, and that was good. And nothing bad happened, but I didn't sleep very well. I rarely sleep through the night these days. I have a lot of stuff on
- [Fast Food Review: Taco Bell Smothered Burrito](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-taco-bell-smothered-burrito/) - When I lived in California there was a Taco Bell a couple of blocks from my job, and a co-worker who frequently asked me to join him for lunch there. It was across the street from Warner Bros. Studios, and the walls of the restaurant were lined with autographed photos of “celebrities.” You know, top-tier
- [Do You Live in the Dumbest State in the Union? The Ugliest? The Porniest?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-live-in-the-dumbest-state-in-the-union-the-ugliest-the-porniest/) - This morning I was trolling for evidence on the internet, and happened upon this dubious article. It purports to list the "statistically worse things about each state." My home state of West Virginia, for instance, supposedly has the highest rate of heart attacks in the nation -- 6.5 percent of the population. That's easily verifiable,
- [An Excursion Into the Spooky, Mysterious World of Google+](https://thewvsr.com/an-excursion-into-the-spooky-mysterious-world-of-google/) - A few days ago I passed through a mysterious hyperlink, and found myself inside Google+. It's Google's version of Facebook, and I'd been there before, of course. In fact, I signed up for an account during the early, hopeful days of the service. It had been a while though, and it was a little spooky.
- [These Two Old Songs Have the Power to Ruin My Day, But Not Because They Suck](https://thewvsr.com/these-two-old-songs-have-the-power-to-ruin-my-day-but-not-because-they-suck/) - In late 1985 I left West Virginia. I was 22, almost 23, and going nowhere on the freakin' bullet train. I'd dropped out of college twice, was working at a convenience store for $3.35 an hour, and had no idea how to proceed. I'd been dating a girl named Kelly since high school, but it
- [What Were You Doing Twenty Years Ago Today?](https://thewvsr.com/what-were-you-doing-twenty-years-ago-today/) - Wow. This is going to be kind of depressing, now that I think about it… That wasn’t my intention, and it might not be such a downer for the rest of you. So we’ll just continue with it. What the hell. Before we get started though, I have to tell you what happened today. It’ll
- [Myth #426: iTunes is Idiot-Proof](https://thewvsr.com/myth-426-itunes-is-idiot-proof/) - Do idiots know they're idiots? Possibly not. But I'm fairly certain I'm not one of them. My problems stem from low self-esteem and a bad personality, not stupidity. I'm almost sure of it. However... I have a lot of trouble with iTunes. And people love to say the program is idiot-proof. Right? That's the canned
- [Please Tell Us About Your Telephone Hijinks (And Stop Talking About Politics)](https://thewvsr.com/please-tell-us-about-your-telephone-hijinks-and-stop-talking-about-politics/) - OK, I'm back. I should probably apologize for being away so long, but it seems like I'm doing a lot of that these days, and it's starting to get ridiculous. So, I'm not going to apologize. However I recognize the fact I should. How's that? I'm working on the book project, and we're in the
- [A Sick Day for Me, Horror Films of the 1970s, and Words That Give Us the Heebie-Jeebies](https://thewvsr.com/a-sick-day-for-me-horror-films-of-the-1970s-and-words-that-give-us-the-heebie-jeebies/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I'm not feeling so hot today, and actually called off from work. This is a rarity. Sometimes I go years without missing a day. But today I just can't do it. Oh well. I'm sure they'll be able to endure this devastating hardship. Before we move on... What do you call it
- [Wonderful Memories of Living in Squalor, Providing Feedback About Ass-Wiping](https://thewvsr.com/wonderful-memories-of-living-in-squalor-providing-feedback-about-ass-wiping/) - During a previous lifetime I shared an apartment for a couple of years with my brother. I moved to Greensboro, NC in 1985, and he joined me a year or so later. We lived in self-created squalor, and drank an unreasonable amount of alcohol every day. My parents were fairly strict when we were growing
- [Just a Load of Excuses, and a Plea for Forgiveness](https://thewvsr.com/just-a-load-of-excuses-and-a-plea-for-forgiveness/) - Sorry, folks. There are weeds growing through the cracks on this website, and there's a green waterlogged couch on the virtual front lawn. I've been neglectful. And today's not going to add up to much, either. But... I had a deadline on the book, which was difficult. It didn't look like I was going to
- [Are Vitamins a Waste of Money? And What Things Do You Wish You Didn't Know?](https://thewvsr.com/are-vitamins-a-waste-of-money-and-what-things-do-you-wish-you-didnt-know/) - After I reluctantly dismount the platform every morning I go downstairs and pour a cup of coffee, and take my blood pressure pill and a multivitamin. The vitamin is roughly the size of a tennis shoe, and tastes like vomit. I put it on the back of my tongue, and immediately blast it down with
- [So, Has Anything Exciting Happened Since Last Tuesday? ](https://thewvsr.com/so-has-anything-exciting-happened-since-last-tuesday/) - On Tuesday the younger boy underwent oral surgery, and, once again, I was in charge. I'm not a fan of all this medical stuff... I'm really not. But Toney is working Monday thru Friday for the next couple of months, so I get to wade chest-deep into things that give me the heebie-jeebies, like, all
- [What TV Shows and Movies Would You Not Watch, Even If They Paid You?](https://thewvsr.com/what-tv-shows-and-movies-would-you-not-watch-even-if-they-paid-you/) - Last night Toney and I were watching TV, and twice a commercial for another show came on, and Toney said, "I wouldn't watch that crap if they paid me." What TV shows and movies would fall into that category for you? What would you refuse to watch, even if there was a small amount of
- [Now's Your Chance to Share Out of Context Work Emails!](https://thewvsr.com/nows-your-chance-to-share-out-of-context-work-emails/) - A few days ago I received an email at work, from the facilities manager. He said somebody is going into one of the bathrooms -- a men's room not far from my desk -- and knocking a hole in the drywall. Then they're smoking cigarettes, and attempting to hide it by blowing smoke into the
- [A Few Updates on Previous Stories, and a Visit to Uncle Touchy](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-updates-on-previous-stories-and-a-visit-to-uncle-touchy/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I have an update on the dog-bites-boy story from last time. Apparently some Men in Black types visited the neighbors on Saturday, and told them they're being given one more chance. If their dog is ever seen outside without a leash, or if there's another incident, the animal will be removed from
- [Today I Was in the Emergency Room for the First Time Since 1968](https://thewvsr.com/today-i-was-in-the-emergency-room-for-the-first-time-since-1968/) - This afternoon I was sitting in an undisclosed location, working on a project I do my best not to mention, and my phone rang. It was the younger boy. He was upset, which caused my heart to instantly double its speed. Just the tone was enough to do it, before I even knew what was
- [Welcome to Pennsylvania! Brace Yourself for Weirdness](https://thewvsr.com/welcome-to-pennsylvania-brace-yourself-for-weirdness/) - We lived in Southern California for four years, and there were a few positives, and a whole barge-load of negatives. The best thing about it was the neighborhood we lived in. Everybody was roughly the same age, with young kids, and we all got along somehow. It was a great little community. However, Toney and
- [This Was My Day, How Was Yours?](https://thewvsr.com/this-was-my-day-how-was-yours/) - I was sitting in McDonald’s this afternoon, enjoying a #16 with sweet tea, and made a few observations: It’s not uncommon to see an ugly teenage boy with a girlfriend who looks like a model. However… the opposite is not true. You rarely see an ugly girl with a good-looking guy. Any opinions on why
- [Knoebels: Always A Good Time, But Never Again On Saturday](https://thewvsr.com/knoebels-always-a-good-time-but-never-again-on-saturday/) - On Friday evening Toney noted that none of us were scheduled to work the next day, and suggested we seize the opportunity and spend the day at Knoebels. It's a great old amusement park an hour or so from here, and we try to go a couple of times every summer. So far this year,
- [Shirts 'n' Skins: An Opportunity To Share Your Gym Class Horror Stories](https://thewvsr.com/shirts-n-skins-an-opportunity-to-share-your-gym-class-horror-stories/) - When I was in school I hated gym class. Maybe not as much as math, but close. At least in math we were rarely required to strip down to our underwear in front of a room full of classmates. Oh, maybe once or twice during Algebra II, but certainly not every day. The best Phys
- [Some Miscellaneous Bitching, and What Would You Like on Your Permanent Record?](https://thewvsr.com/some-miscellaneous-bitching-and-what-would-you-like-on-your-permanent-record/) - You know what's irritating? When people tell me long-winded stories filled with characters I don't know. They refer to them by their first names, and it's usually family members or personal friends I would have no way of knowing. I always want to interrupt and say, "Hang on. Who the fuck is Larry?" I also
- [There Have Been Aggravations, My Friends](https://thewvsr.com/there-have-been-aggravations-my-friends/) - For one thing... Toney's car. It's now repaired, but it was an adventure. The first garage gave us an estimate of more than $1200, and I said funk dat. I don't trust those people. I used to trust them, but not anymore. There's a new manager, and I get the feeling he doesn't have our
- [What Kind of Carnage Have You Witnessed on the Roads?](https://thewvsr.com/what-kind-of-carnage-have-you-witnessed-on-the-roads/) - I stopped to buy gas on my way home from work Tuesday night, because Toney was planning to use my car the next day. Her Honda is still in the shop, and we’re juggling two vehicles between three people. So, I filled up the tank, and noticed the glowing golden arches across the street… Should
- [From the Cutting Room Floor: Meet the Shittiest Person on My Old Paper Route](https://thewvsr.com/from-the-cutting-room-floor-meet-the-shittiest-person-on-my-old-paper-route/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Today I’m going to share with you another shit-canned anecdote from the book project. This one stuck around for a while, and looked like it was going to make the final cut. But, it was not to be. I’m sure I’ve told this story before, but here it is again. I hope
- [Some Good Stuff, Some Bad Stuff... How Did the Past Week Treat Ya?](https://thewvsr.com/some-good-stuff-some-bad-stuff-how-did-the-past-week-treat-ya/) - Remember that scene in the Poseidon Adventure where Shelley Winters volunteers to tie a rope around her considerable waist, and swim a long distance underwater to help save her friends? And it just goes on and on, and is excruciating because we know she's all fat and old? Well, today I am Shelley Winters. I've
- [A Weird Picture For Ya, and the Best Movies Set In Your Home State](https://thewvsr.com/a-weird-picture-for-ya-and-the-best-movies-set-in-your-home-state/) - Sorry, folks. I'm working massive hours, have all sorts of real life stuff going on, and am as destroyed as Nostrils following his twenty-minute commute to work. I don't know when I'll be able to update again, but will shoot for tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a weird picture for ya. What the?? So wholesome,
- [Lost Glory, the Early Days of HBO, and the Gravesites of Celebrities](https://thewvsr.com/lost-glory-the-early-days-of-hbo-and-the-gravesites-of-celebrities/) - A few days ago I was reminding the boys they need to let Andy out every once in a while. Neither of them are very good at picking up on subtle clues, such as the dog prancing around the front door, clawing at it, etc. So, I was "reminding" them they need to think about
- [The Week In Review, and a Few Random Notes, vol. 16](https://thewvsr.com/the-week-in-review-and-a-few-random-notes-vol-16/) - Ridiculous adventures in suburbia I went to lunch at Taco Bell today, and the dude at the counter just stood there, all droopy and vacant. He didn't say, "May I take your order?" "Go!" or anything of the sort. It appeared his face muscles had atrophied, and he was unable to power an expression. Clearly,
- [Rare Footage of the Toll Bridge, and the Stuff People Exaggerate](https://thewvsr.com/rare-footage-of-the-toll-bridge-and-the-stuff-people-exaggerate/) - Remember the scene from Bad Boys where Sean Penn beat the living shit out of a blonde-haired villain, with a pillowcase full of Cokes? Well, I feel like the blonde-haired villain, post-beatdown. I won't bore you with the details, but it has to do with the crazy schedule I'm working, and the number of hours.
- [Big News! Summer 2013 Surf Report T-Shirts Now Available For Pre-Order!](https://thewvsr.com/big-news-summer-2013-surf-report-t-shirts-now-available-for-pre-order/) - [ujicountdown id="Large Timer" expire="2013/07/09 03:00" hide = "true"] Hello Surf Reporters! This one has been a long time coming. I've been working on this daily, for almost two weeks. And now we're finally ready to go! A few months ago I began to get the itch to do another WVSR shirt, for summer. I haven't
- [Tell Us About Your Recent Victories](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-your-recent-victories/) - Because of the holiday, and the fact that half the population is coming off a four-day drunk, I've extended the cut-off for the new shirts until I get home from work tonight. It could be 3 a.m., it could be 4 a.m. Who the hell knows? But it'll be the middle o' the night sometime.
- [Tipping at the Counter and the Creaking Door Voice Are Ruining My Life!](https://thewvsr.com/tipping-at-the-counter-and-the-creaking-door-voice-are-ruining-my-life/) - Hello Surf Reporters! A couple of quick things before we get started today… First, the pre-order period for the new shirts is coming to an end. At noon on Monday it’s over. If you want one, get your order in, ASAP. The new designs are a thing of beauty, and I don’t want anyone to
- [Tell Us About the Stoopid Pad-Yer-Schedule Classes You've Taken](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-stoopid-pad-yer-schedule-classes-youve-taken/) - When I was in high school I took a bunch of idiotic classes, to pad my schedule. I figured out, somewhere along the line, that I only needed to amass a certain number of credits, and pass a handful of non-negotiable classes, to graduate. Beyond that, everything was up to me. So, I attempted to
- [Ranking the Seasons and Days of the Week, and an Open Apology to the Weatherman](https://thewvsr.com/ranking-the-seasons-and-days-of-the-week-and-an-open-apology-to-the-weatherman/) - It feels like I'm inside the devil's peehole. Summer is bullshit. It's something I endure, not enjoy. The heat and humidity, and everything just growing and growing and growing... It's suffocating, and demoralizing. Fall can't get here soon enough. This crap eats it from the ass-in. Once again, here's how I rank the seasons: 1.
- [Recommended: I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution](https://thewvsr.com/recommended-i-want-my-mtv-the-uncensored-story-of-the-music-video-revolution/) - I Want My MTV is a big doorstop of a book: 572 pages, to be exact. But it was so much fun, and addicting, I wanted there to be a few hundred pages more. When I got to the end I felt mildly bummed. This is an oral history of the early days of Music
- [Petty Disqualifiers, and the Surprising Things We Don't Like](https://thewvsr.com/petty-disqualifiers-and-the-surprising-things-we-dont-like/) - I was saddened to learn that the T-Shirt Lady sold her business in 2012, after 19 years, and the new shirts will have to be made by someone else. I contacted the person who bought the company from her, but he types in ALL CAPS, so he’s out of the running. Is that too petty?
- [What Would a Time Traveler from 1975 Find Amazing About 2013?](https://thewvsr.com/what-would-a-time-traveler-from-1975-find-amazing-about-2013/) - Thanks to everyone who has already pre-ordered a shirt or two. It's interesting to see that both designs are popular. I thought one might be preferred over the other, but I have almost exactly the same number of orders for each. It's still early, but they're running neck and neck (whatever that means...). Which one
- [Looking For A Great Hosting Company? Learn From My Mistakes!](https://thewvsr.com/looking-for-a-great-hosting-company-learn-from-my-mistakes-hostgator/) - After a decade of pain and nonsense, I found Hostgator.
- [Following Too Closely, the First Ding, and Our Best and Worst Bosses](https://thewvsr.com/following-too-closely-the-first-ding-and-our-best-and-worst-bosses/) - I was driving to work yesterday, and some shit pouch was riding on my bumper again. I was going about 80, and this dude still wasn’t happy with it. Grrr… It’s one of the most annoying things in the world, and I always find myself wishing for the power of the Firestarter, whenever it happens.
- [Calling All Surf Reporters: Let's Build a Dictatorship!](https://thewvsr.com/calling-all-surf-reporters-lets-build-a-dictatorship/) - You know how I was complaining yesterday about our car salesman with the poor organizational skills? Well, he called Toney last night and wants us to come back in and sign a paper he forgot. I'm shocked, I tell ya. I might even go so far as to say flabbergasted. It agitates me, but I
- [Tell Us Your Car-Buying Horror Stories! ](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-your-car-buying-horror-stories/) - Shit is getting crazy. Sorry I've been away again, but there's a lot going on. Last week we bought a car, for instance. We can't afford it, but bought it anyway. It's the American way! As is the tradition, it wasn't an easy process. Twice we hemmed and hawed for 24 hours, and both times
- [What's the Best Thing Currently Being Served at McDonald's?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-best-thing-currently-being-served-at-mcdonalds/) - I was in McDonald's on Saturday, during my lunch break at work, and decided to try one of their new Quarter Pounders with Extra Shit. I'm pretty sure that's what they're calling the promotion. I opted for the "deluxe" version, which is basically a regular Quarter Pounder with lettuce and tomatoes added. They also have
- [A Scary Ride Home, and What Would You Do With Three Months Off?](https://thewvsr.com/a-scary-ride-home-and-what-would-you-do-with-three-months-off/) - I had a treacherous ride home from work last night, my friends. Twice, within ten minutes, my adrenaline spiked and crashed, and I nearly shit the headrest both times. The first happened when one of those retreads, or whatever, came flying off the tire of a tractor trailer. There was a lot of smoke, and
- [Our Annual State of the Dog Report](https://thewvsr.com/our-annual-state-of-the-dog-report/) - Sorry I've been away for so long. I was distracted. I could fill you in on the root of it all, but nobody would benefit from such an exercise. Everything's been said a million times; we'd be breaking no new ground. So, let's just get back into it, shall we? We celebrated our dog Andy's
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 341](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-341/) - Our house is in chaos. One boy is serving a three-day suspension from school for fighting, and the other had some kind of run-in with a teacher today, and she flipped-out on him. She reportedly screamed, “Shut up! I hate you!!” during class. She also called him “stupid” (because he has an opinion that doesn’t
- [Please Tell Us About Your Latest and Greatest Humiliations](https://thewvsr.com/please-tell-us-about-your-latest-and-greatest-humiliations/) - On Saturday I took a few hits, my friends. It was a good day, but I humiliated myself three times, within five or six hours. Rarely does a day go by when I don't make a fool of myself at least once, but it usually doesn't happen so often, within such a tightly-compacted period of
- [What Do You Think Is Going On Here? Please Help Me Understand](https://thewvsr.com/what-do-you-think-is-going-on-here-please-help-me-understand/) - Sorry folks, but this has been a morning o' chaos. I'll post a real update tomorrow. But, in the meantime, I'd like to get your thoughts on the photo above. What do you think is going on? Please post your guesses in the comments. And I'll see you on Wednesday. Have yourselves a great day!
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 92](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-92/) - I overslept yesterday, by four hours. It might be a new record. The alarm started going off at 9:30, and I jerked awake – with my heart racing – at 1:23 in the afternoon. How is such a thing even possible? Does the snooze feature on an alarm clock stop working at some point? Does
- [Welcome to the Surf Report Portal o' Complaints: Unburden Yourself!](https://thewvsr.com/welcome-to-the-surf-report-portal-o-complaints-unburden-yourself/) - It's exceedingly muggy and gross today. Yesterday, too. I hate this kind of weather. I just got out of the shower, and I'm already greasy again. A few minutes ago I felt a bead of sweat roll down the center of my back. It's paradise, I tell ya. Yesterday, at about this time, I posted
- [What Are The Most Dangerous Tasks You’ve Ever Been Asked To Perform At Work?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-the-most-dangerous-tasks-youve-ever-been-asked-to-perform-at-work/) - At this point in my life, the biggest physical risk I ever take at work is when I’m standing in front of a vending machine in the break room, and a 3 Musketeers bar is launched off a corkscrew, behind a thin sheet of plexiglass. Despite the high-nougat content, there’s a lot of heft in
- [Tell Us Your Tales of Inappropriate Clothing](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-your-tales-of-inappropriate-clothing/) - When I was in elementary school, during fifth grade or thereabouts, a kid started wearing a t-shirt once or twice a week, featuring two cartoon pigs having sex, and the words “Makin’ Bacon!” It was amazing to me, for several reasons. For one, I’d never been to a place of business – outside of Myrtle
- [Let's Pick Up The Story From Here... Tell Us What's Going On, In The Comments](https://thewvsr.com/lets-pick-up-the-story-from-here-tell-us-whats-going-on-in-the-comments/)
- [What's Your Stance on Correctors? I'm Not Really a Fan.](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-stance-on-correctors-im-not-really-a-fan/) - You know what irritates me? When people fact-check jokes. It happens on Twitter all the time. Somebody will post some silliness -- clearly just screwing around -- and another person will butt in and correct them on some unimportant inaccuracy in their statement. It happens in the real world, too. A few days ago I
- [Our Weekend -- Mostly in Pictures](https://thewvsr.com/our-weekend-mostly-in-pictures/) - On Friday evening we went to a baseball game at the newly remodeled PNC Field, where the New York Yankees' AAA farm team -- the SWB RailRiders -- play. It's the first time I've been to the park since they revamped everything, and I was impressed. They removed the upper deck, opened up the concession
- [A Power Outage Helped Me Write a Decent Update, and the Factory Tours We Have Known](https://thewvsr.com/a-power-outage-helped-me-write-a-decent-update-and-the-factory-tours-we-have-known/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Today has been lazy as a mofo, which means I’m sitting here beating myself up. My weekend starts when I climb off the platform on Thursday morning, and ends on Sunday at 2 p.m., when I leave for work. And I feel like it’s my duty to maximize the hours in between. Today
- [Do You Remember Your First Beer? ](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-remember-your-first-beer/) - One evening, when I was 16, I walked into Wagner's Market in Dunbar, and purchased a six-pack of Miller High Life, in bottles. My friends Rocky and Mike were waiting in a car outside, after successfully conning me with a “you look the oldest” line of bullshit. Beads of sweat were running down the middle
- [Confessions of a Suburban Oddball](https://thewvsr.com/confessions-of-a-suburban-oddball/) - My wife is exceedingly social. Everywhere we go another lengthy conversation is launched, and I’m left standing nearby with a charley-horse smile, and “Who the hell are these people?” dancing in my head. Whenever she runs to the store “real quick” for a gallon of milk or whatever, it’s not unusual for her to be
- [Epic Fury: The Night Philadelphia Pissed-Off Bill Burr](https://thewvsr.com/epic-fury-the-night-philadelphia-pissed-off-bill-burr/) - Opie and Anthony's Traveling Virus was a touring comedy show that made the rounds in 2006 and 2007. It was a Lollapalooza-style festival, featuring scores of comedians. During the first year, the Philadelphia crowd was... difficult (go figure), and there was a lot of drunken booing and heckling. Veteran Boston comic Bill Burr watched from
- [Alone Time, a Crazy-Ass Movie, and an Altercation Involving a Birdhouse](https://thewvsr.com/alone-time-a-crazy-ass-movie-and-an-altercation-involving-a-birdhouse/) - Last Thursday the younger boy arrived home from school around 2:30, and the first thing he said to me was, “Are you leaving?” Yes, it was a heartwarming father/son moment, especially considering the fact I hadn’t seen him since the previous Sunday. I’m not proud to admit that it ticked me off. Today he came
- [Tell Us About the Major Reboots in Your Life](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-major-reboots-in-your-life/) - I probably shouldn't admit this, but I was so disgusted yesterday I was seriously considering shutting down this website, and starting over at a shiny, new URL. It's crossed my mind before, but yesterday the roots were getting in there pretty deep. Due to ignorance, I made a lot of fundamental mistakes when I started
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 214](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-214/) - I have a so-called manifesto that I typed-out a few months ago. It's saved on my computer, and I check it every once in a while. It's designed to keep me on the straight and narrow, as it pertains to these updates. Basically, it's a DO NOT DO THIS list. The very first item is
- [In Celebration of Getting Into Trouble While Driving Our Parents' Cars](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-getting-into-trouble-while-driving-our-parents-cars/) - I’m in a horrible mood, and have been all week. I thought today was going to be different, because I don’t have to go to work, and also got a lot of sleep. These are rarities, which usually put a spring in my step. Indeed, I woke up in a decent mood. I put half-a-pot
- [New Adventures In Butt-Dialing](https://thewvsr.com/new-adventures-in-butt-dialing/) - Yesterday afternoon I got out of the shower (sorry to put that image in your head), and noticed I had a missed call from area code 213 -- which I know is in Southern California -- and a voicemail. Interesting, I thought. I listened to the message, and it was just a couple of guys
- [You Might Be Surprised Where I Went Last Night](https://thewvsr.com/you-might-be-surprised-where-i-went-last-night/) - Last night I went to church. Yes, you read that correctly. Our younger boy went through Confirmation, and we all got dressed up and did our time in the pews, to show support. He’s been taking classes for years, literally years, and it all came to fruition last night. He’s an official member of the
- [Not Much, But Possibly Better Than Yesterday](https://thewvsr.com/not-much-but-possibly-better-than-yesterday/) - OK, I think I'm officially burned-out on the steamed vegetables for lunch routine. About an hour ago I found myself struggling through a huge bowl of Brussels sprouts and broccoli, not enjoying it in the least. Then, a little while later, my ass went off like a t-shirt cannon; it's a wonder I didn't blow
- [A College Visit, Twitter Fun, and the Best Deals Ever!](https://thewvsr.com/a-college-visit-twitter-fun-and-the-best-deals-ever/) - On Saturday we went on our first college visit. There will be others, during the coming weeks. And probably a few in the fall, as well. Our oldest is now 17, so this stressful task cannot be ignored. Last week we toured East Stroudsburg University, in the Poconos. It was nice, a beautiful campus and
- [Live-Blogging My Lunch: Panera Bread](https://thewvsr.com/live-blogging-my-lunch-panera-bread/) - Today I had a late lunch at Panera Bread, and decided to “live blog” the experience. If it turns out OK, maybe I’ll do the same with other not-so-special events? We’ll see how it goes. Please note that I arrived at Panera around 2:20 in the afternoon. They don’t like people hanging around in there
- [How Have Your TV-Viewing Habits Changed? Could You Give It Up For Good?](https://thewvsr.com/how-have-your-tv-viewing-habits-changed-could-you-give-it-up-for-good/) - According to this article, more and more people are dumping their TVs and cable/satellite services, and watching whatever they want online. This, of course, is causing some sphincters to wink. Specifically: the sphincters of people who make their livings via the old ways of doing things. Change threatens their livelihood. I'm sympathetic, to a point.
- [In Celebration of the Super-Aggressive Salesman!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-the-super-aggressive-salesman/) - I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic today. It's a curious development. I hope I'm not having a series of mini-strokes. Maybe it's the fake spring outside? The blue skies, the bright sun, and all that? It's a hard thing to know. But I'm not grumbling under my breath too much
- [5 Classic Bands That Released One Of Their Best Albums Years After People Stopped Paying Attention](https://thewvsr.com/5-classic-bands-that-released-one-of-their-best-albums-years-after-people-stopped-paying-attention/) - After Dream Police was released in 1979, Cheap Trick became erratic and consistently inconsistent. Next Position Please was pretty good, but it wasn't up to the level of the early masterpieces. And none of the other albums even came close. Then something crazy happened... In 2006 -- 27 years later! -- they released one of
- [Macaroni in My Foot, Mispronounced Words, and Some Worthy Projects](https://thewvsr.com/macaroni-in-my-foot-mispronounced-words-and-some-worthy-projects/) - I think I have something buried in my left foot. I don't know how such a thing is possible, because it's winter (still winter) and I haven't exactly been walking around the neighborhood all Phish-style and barefoot. But there's something in there. I'm thinking it might be a shard of pasta. I'll keep you updated
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 35](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-35/) - You guys will be glad to know that I didn't have any dreams last night. So, rest easy. It was just Death Lite, with no cranial activity that I can recall. Yeah, I know: it's a relief. Sorry about yesterday's weirdness. But it was 100% true! When I got up this morning I let Andy
- [Breaking My Own Rule: Let Me Tell You About a Weird Dream I Had](https://thewvsr.com/breaking-my-own-rule-let-me-tell-you-about-a-weird-dream-i-had/) - I know, I know. I'm breaking my own rule here, but I need to tell you about a dream I had on Saturday night. And I seek your analysis as well. May I offer a hearty WTF?? up-front? I was walking around an unknown neighborhood, you see. It was upscale, and I didn't recognize it.
- [Ever Dream of Attending the USC Film School? Now You Can -- For Less Than $10!](https://thewvsr.com/ever-dream-of-attending-the-usc-film-school-now-you-can-for-1-99/) - I'm going to blow your mind here. Ready? OK, I sometimes read books to experience things I'd otherwise never be exposed to, and to visit places I'll probably never have an opportunity to see in real life. I told you. It's a revolutionary concept, I know. I hope you'll be able to recover. I hope
- [A Few Quick Things, Many Having To Do With Confusion (For Some Reason)](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-many-having-to-do-with-confusion-for-some-reason/) - I'm confused. For all my life the cool and with-it people have been saying that marriage is an antiquated concept -- a mossy old throwback to a time that no longer exists. "I don't need to go down to some government building and get a piece of paper, to prove my commitment..." Etc. But now
- [In Celebration of Being Humiliated at the Till](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-being-humiliated-at-the-till/) - My most recent text message (sent to Toney): "Humanity is a shithouse." I can't tell you what prompted it, because Big Brother is watching, but it had something to do with soft pretzels. In any case, I like the ring of it. It might make a good book title. You know, after I finally hole
- [Here Are 15 of My Ideas for New Cable Channels. Care to Add to the List?](https://thewvsr.com/here-are-15-of-my-ideas-for-new-cable-channels-care-to-add-to-the-list/) - Barely Missed Putts: footage of golf balls barely missing the hole, 24 hours a day. Drunk People Talking About Politics, Love, and the Reasons Why Everything Is Fucked and Will Always Be Fucked The Choking Channel: ‘round the clock video of people choking on food. Famous People Underwater Local Weather Forecasts of the Late 1980s
- [What's Your Relationship With Vegetables? Do You Get Along With Them?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-relationship-with-vegetables-do-you-get-along-with-them/) - So far I've only posted two items to the new Surf Report Approved! section of the site, and already a few people have complained. "You're a shameless shill!" one person said. My advice: Don't read that section, if it causes you so much anguish. I don't understand it, I think it's fucking insane, but whatever.
- [A Band I Could Easily Hate, Yet Continue to Love](https://thewvsr.com/a-band-i-could-easily-hate-yet-continue-to-love/) - Green Day is a band I could easily hate. They hit several of my automatic hate-triggers: Massive early popularity, causing the group to be embraced by shitheads with questionable taste. Lead singer who is a bit of a jackass. Political blowhardiness. But somehow they've successfully navigated all that, and I continue to enjoy them. In
- [A Few Quick Things (Including Some Sure Signs of Aging)](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-including-some-sure-signs-of-aging/) - You know what’s a good look for a man? A slightly too-tight t-shirt, with cig pocket, tucked into radically-blue jeans, and a wide leather belt. That says style, right there. Style, with a little sassiness. Toney came home for lunch today, and I was still in bed, clear-cutting timber. The alarm clock had been pummeled
- [Snow in March, a Near Miss on I-81, and Shared Bath Towels](https://thewvsr.com/snow-in-march-a-near-miss-on-i-81-and-shared-bath-towels/) - Last night it snowed like a bastard here. It's almost April. Enough, already! The schools shut down early, and by the time I arrived at work, it looked like full-on January out there. And it just kept snowing and snowing... What the hell, man?! I checked a couple of weather websites, and both said it
- [In Celebration of People Falling Down!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-people-falling-down/) - When I was in grade school, one of our second grade teachers -- a very old woman named Young -- slipped on a raisin and exploded her pelvis, or somesuch. One of her students was eating them for break, and apparently hadn't mastered the art of successfully moving food from a box to his mouth,
- [A Few Quick, Ridiculous Things vol. 12](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-ridiculous-things-vol-12/) - I was talking with a guy recently, who was telling me about one of his old jobs. I was barely paying attention, of course, but my ears perked up when he injected a bizarre, and completely irrelevant bit of information. I'm paraphrasing, but this is pretty close to what he said: "The owner was a
- [Do You Feel Heartbroken When a Piece of Gadgetry Dies?](https://thewvsr.com/do-you-feel-heartbroken-when-a-piece-of-gadgetry-dies/) - Back in 2001 or 2002 my then-employer gave me an iPod for Christmas. It was new technology, expensive, and extravagant. I was shocked, pleasantly so. It was the 2 gigabyte model, which housed a ludicrous amount of music. How could it be possible?! It seemed almost like voodoo. Of course I have an 80 gig
- [Dropbox Might Just Save Your Ass](https://thewvsr.com/dropbox-might-just-save-your-ass/) - Yesterday I nearly had a heart attack. I’m working on a book project, you see, and everything – the first nine chapters and all my notes and outlines – are on a flash drive. But when I arrived at my super-secret writing hovel, I only had the cap with me; the business end of it
- [I Give the Weekend a B+. What About You?](https://thewvsr.com/i-give-the-weekend-a-b-what-about-you/) - You know what would be awesome? If I could get my shit together. Yes, I know I'm setting my sights pretty high, but it's something I aspire to. For instance... I was in bed by 3 a.m. last night, and only had a bowl of corn flakes after I got home from work (no golden
- [Let's Talk About Lies... and a Few Other Things](https://thewvsr.com/lets-talk-about-lies-and-a-few-other-things/) - I'm having some work done to the site today, and there are test posts going out through the RSS feed, which means they'll also appear at Facebook, Twitter, and in email notifications. By the end of the day, though, everything should settle down. Please remain calm. I'm excited about the changes that are underway. Well,
- [What Super-Powers Do You Wish You Possessed?](https://thewvsr.com/what-super-powers-do-you-wish-you-possessed/) - I often wish I had the power to concentrate my mind on a specific car on the highway, and cause all four of its tires to blow-out at the same time. I used to desire the ability to make engines catch-fire, but I'm stuck on the all-four-tires thing at the moment. There are so many
- [Regional Paranoia, Rock 'n' Roll Douchery, My Latest Oil Change, and Telephone Annoyances](https://thewvsr.com/regional-paranoia-rock-n-roll-douchery-my-latest-oil-change-and-telephone-annoyances/) - A few nights ago at work someone walked up to me and said, "What's going on?" And I told her I was covered up. She laughed, and said she'd never heard that phrase before. "What phrase?" I asked. "Covered up," she answered. What the? Is that regional? Covered up? I never thought about it (I
- [Another Night of Pure Awesomeness with The Eels](https://thewvsr.com/another-night-of-pure-awesomeness-with-the-eels/) - I've now seen The Eels play live six times, including an unforgettable show at the Roxy in Los Angeles, which took place moments after their first album was released. I'm a longtime, enthusiastic fan. But Saturday's show in Philadelphia was a special one for me, because I took my kids. They've grown up on the
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 3](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-3/) - Years ago I had a subscription to a great website, where you can listen to sound files of old Top 40 radio broadcasts, from the 1940s through the 1970s. I love radio, and would completely geek out on those things. This was back during my Warner Bros. days, when I could just slip on my
- [Are There Any Good Companies Left? And Who Serves the Best Cup of Coffee?](https://thewvsr.com/are-there-any-good-companies-left-and-who-serves-the-best-cup-of-coffee/) - Over the weekend I had a problem with a company I used to love. I still like them, but the days of love are in the rearview mirror. However, I had no intentions of leaving them -- until Saturday. I don't want to name the company, because we're in the middle of possibly working things
- [Keep It Simple: If Obituaries Only Listed the Dearly Departed's "Thing"](https://thewvsr.com/keep-it-simple-if-obituaries-only-listed-the-dearly-departeds-thing/) - James R. Landry Brash, because he grew up in Boston. Lawrence Kessler Smoked his own meats. Robert L. Caldwell Knew how to work the system. David K. Mosher A Budweiser man. Anna Garvey Owned many items emblazoned with the image of an owl. Albert J. Hubbard "There's no such thing
- [Health Screenings, 187 Hours in 18 Days, and Our Favorite Phone Apps](https://thewvsr.com/health-screenings-187-hours-in-18-days-and-our-favorite-phone-apps/) - They're going to have a health screening at work next month, and we were talking about it at lunch a few nights ago. I joked that after they take your blood, and weigh you and everything, they make you step behind a curtain and undergo a prostate exam. Some guy, who works in the warehouse, thought
- [The Best I Can Do, Under the Circumstances (Day 17 and Counting)](https://thewvsr.com/the-best-i-can-do-under-the-circumstances-day-17-and-counting/) - Crossroads Road is free in the Kindle Store, through midnight Amazon-time on Saturday. So, if you've been sitting on the fence, not ready to fork over $2.99 for two years of my life... now's your chance to get 'er for nothing. If you know someone you think might enjoy it, please let them know. Copies
- [What's Your Fresh Outrage? vol. 46](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-fresh-outrage-vol-46/) - Seriously? This is yet another so-called holiday? What is this, France? Get to work, slackers! Presidents' Day? Which presidents? Some were questionable, at best. Didn't it used to be about Washington and Lincoln? And now it's just one big murky catch-all? This is bullshit. I'll be working today, thank you very much. Day 16 of
- [If You Could Travel Back In Time, What Would You Say to the 15 Year Old You?](https://thewvsr.com/if-you-could-travel-back-in-time-what-would-you-say-to-the-15-year-old-you/) - This is Day 12 of my work marathon, and I'd say I'm operating at about 80% capacity. I'm sometimes finding it difficult to pull up the right words while talking. I say things like, "Tomorrow everyone needs to wear business casual, which means no..." "Jeans?" somebody offers. "Yeah, jeans!" I answer, as everyone exchanges holy
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 147](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-147/) - This is Day 10 of my big 18 day work marathon. I've logged more than 94 hours during the first nine days. I'm doing OK, except I want to sleep all the time. Yesterday I didn't get off the platform until 12:15, and today I had to marshal all my energy to get up at
- [The Excruciating Ride Home Last Night: My Life Is A Shambles](https://thewvsr.com/the-excruciating-ride-home-last-night-my-life-is-a-shambles/) - So, we're naming snow storms now, like hurricanes? I wasn't aware. When did this happen? I'm not up to speed on the latest trends in meteorology, etc. In any case, Jason or Larry, or whatever that crap was that rolled through here yesterday, complicated my evening. As the hype continued to ramp-up, I left for
- [Then Tragedy Struck: Help Me Create Doomsday Scenarios For These People](https://thewvsr.com/then-tragedy-struck-help-me-create-doomsday-scenarios-for-these-folks/) - It was a wonderful, care-free afternoon, until the wind kicked up. Donna gasped when her hairpiece tore loose, and went sailing into the ravine. Carl couldn't stop laughing, and Donna's husband Mike -- who had been drinking Carling Black Label since 11 a.m. -- tried to pretend the laughter didn't bother him. For an hour
- [Let's Take A Look At A Page From My High School Newspaper](https://thewvsr.com/lets-take-a-look-at-a-page-from-my-high-school-newspaper/) - A few days ago my friend Tim sent me a scan from our old high school newspaper, The Kennel. We were the Dunbar Bulldogs, and somewhere back in the 1940s or whatever, they decided it would be cute to call the newspaper The Kennel. It was high douchery, but I had nothing to do with
- [Weekend Update, Calendar Obsession, and My Possible New Diet](https://thewvsr.com/weekend-update-calendar-obsession-and-my-possible-new-diet/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was decent; I'd give it a B. I didn't see the family much, for various reasons, and craved some o' that. But there were no other downsides to it. I took Wednesday off from work, so I had four and a half days off.
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 3](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-3/) - I took a vacation day today, to extend my weekend before hell comes raining down on me. Starting Sunday I’m going to be working 18 ten-hour days in a row. I volunteered, so I have nobody to blame but myself. However, I reserve the right to bitch about it. Please make a note of it.
- [What Kind of Weird Shit Do Your Co-Workers Eat?](https://thewvsr.com/what-kind-of-weird-shit-do-your-co-workers-eat/) - Notice: This part of today's update was not written by Jeff, it was generated by the WVSR Excuse Engine. Your corpulent correspondent apparently forgot to set his alarm again last night, and went snoozing right on through to noon. His first word of the day: Goddammit! It was pretty funny, to tell you truth. He's
- [Have You Seen Buckwild? What Are Your Thoughts?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-seen-buckwild-what-are-your-thoughts/) - Buckwild is the kind of show I'd normally put in the "rather take a weed-whacker to my penis" category. Meaning, I'd never watch it, in a million years. In fact, it's described as the hillbilly Jersey Shore, and that doesn't help me much -- because I've never seen one minute of Jersey Shore. The only
- [My Half-Assery Led to Even More Half-Assery, and Our Tales of Being Falsely Accused](https://thewvsr.com/my-half-assery-led-to-even-more-half-assery-and-our-tales-of-being-falsely-accused/) - Today I was scrolling through my emails, and there was a few-days-old notice from my hosting company telling me I’d better pay them before January 24, or they were going to take my website down. What the?! I looked at my cell phone, and TODAY is January 24. I didn’t remember seeing anything from them
- [From the Cutting Room Floor: Stupid Shit, Designed to Amuse](https://thewvsr.com/from-the-cutting-room-floor-stupid-shit-designed-to-amuse/) - This is yet another hunk of the book project that was written, then shit-canned. It’s from a horrible part of my life when I was completely adrift, recently dropped out of West Virginia State College, and drinking way too much. My girlfriend, Kelly, was doing well in school, and the clock was ticking. I knew
- [Some Phrases Typed Into Search Engines That Led Folks Here During The Past 30 Days](https://thewvsr.com/some-phrases-typed-into-search-engines-that-led-folks-here-during-the-past-30-days/) - accidental nakedness while shopping furniture store slogans john holmes killed a dude with his dick i feel an aura of despair and have a taste for murder on tongue angry chair worst haircut bad motel bangkok do older black women let out huge farts famous people with trimethylaminuria kroger leather recliner mailman pants wendy is
- [The View From Down Here: Everything Is Freaking Annoying](https://thewvsr.com/the-view-from-down-here-everything-is-freaking-annoying/) - So, I've had all sorts of trouble with a drug store in our little town. I wrote about it here, and some pharmacist flew off the handle. Remember that? Well, last time I was there I got a 90-day supply of blood pressure pills, and told the couldn't-care-less cashier they had one more chance. If
- [How a Cheap Wall Calendar Inspired Me To Action](https://thewvsr.com/how-a-cheap-wall-calendar-inspired-me-to-action/) - We bought a house in Canyon Country, California, in 1996. In 2000 we sold it, and moved to Pennsylvania. And the real estate agent from that original '96 transaction has sent us a calendar in the mail every year since. I'm not sure how she knows where we're currently living, but we've received a calendar
- [Sickness, Cruise Ships, and Two Spaces After a Period](https://thewvsr.com/sickness-cruise-ships-and-two-spaces-after-a-period/) - I have several perfect attendance awards at work, because I never miss a day. I routinely go entire years without missing any time. Yes, it's my proudest achievement... But I stayed home yesterday. I just couldn't do it. My stomach was all messed up, it felt like I was running a fever (I never checked),
- [A Dispatch From The Sick House](https://thewvsr.com/a-dispatch-from-the-sick-house/) - Our house has been a Petri dish of puke spores for the past few days. Both boys have been sick, and it's been pretty dreary around here. However, they're both feeling better today, so it looks like the worst is behind us. The younger boy can't remember ever vomiting before, and he's 14. It freaked
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 216](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-216/) - Yeah, I need to be working on the book, but don't really like yesterday's update, and felt the need to get it off the top of the page. So, I'm gonna zero out the notebook again today. Quickly, with a pot of Eight O'Clock coffee in my great, ruby-crested belly... I was in Sam's Club,
- [This Past Saturday Kicked My Ass With Gusto!](https://thewvsr.com/this-past-saturday-kicked-my-ass-with-gusto/) - I had to work this past Saturday, at 6 a.m., and once again... it was a fiasco. I work at night; I'm wired to be awake after midnight, performing my duties on company time. But every once in a while they deal us a wild card, and it screws me up, big-time. Six in the
- [Attention Pulitzer Committee: the Story of the Year Has Arrived!](https://thewvsr.com/attention-pulitzer-committee-the-story-of-the-year-has-arrived/) - Obviously, I don't know Al Roker; I'm an inventory manager in Scranton. But he seems like a good guy. There's nothing there to dislike, as far as I can tell. So, I feel a little weird making such a big deal of this. But, come on. Admitting, with a solemn look on your face, that
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 86](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-86/) - For the past few days I've felt like I'm on the cusp of illness. But, so far, I've remained teetering on the edge. Hopefully the momentum is in my favor now. Time is on my side, bitches! Anyway, this one is going to be a little rushed, so I apologize up-front. I couldn't get off
- [In Celebration of Intense, Prolonged Homesickness!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-intense-prolonged-homesickness/) - When Toney and I left Atlanta many years ago, we were in a daze. It all happened so fast, with not even a hint of a warning. I arrived at work one day, was summoned to the corner office, and told to expect an important phone call in the afternoon. No additional information was offered,
- [Have You Ever Had Any Luck With New Year's Resolutions? Me Either](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-had-any-luck-with-new-years-resolutions-me-either/) - You know what sucks? When I'm living my regular everyday life, I crave something out of the ordinary. Like a shitload of days off, or a trip somewhere. But when "out of the ordinary" actually happens, it's great for a while... then I start craving my regular everyday life again. The universe is mocking me,
- [Some Movies, a Little Quiet Time, and a Lot of Writing: Christmas Break 2012](https://thewvsr.com/some-movies-a-little-quiet-time-and-a-lot-of-writing-christmas-break-2012/) - And now for a return to the real world... I haven't worked since Monday night, and it's been pretty great. I got a lot accomplished with the book, watched a few movies, and spent actual time with the family. It was nice, and I'm not beating myself up because of all the time I wasted,
- [Guest Post: A Cautionary Tale by Becca from StickyJamHands](https://thewvsr.com/guest-post-a-cautionary-tale-by-becca-from-stickyjamhands/) - Today's guest post comes to us courtesy of Becca, who blogs at StickyJamHands.com I think you'll enjoy this one, and if you do... please check out her website for more. Have yourselves a great day, my friends! See ya soon. -Jeff Hello and Merry Christmas* fellow Surf Reporters. In the spirit of Christmas I thought
- [Guest Post: Professionally Engineered Aggravation by icecycle66](https://thewvsr.com/guest-post-professionally-engineered-aggravation-by-icecycle66/) - Hello Surf Reporters! While I'm off sobbing uncontrollably into a Dell laptop, guest posts from talented folks who have never written WVSR guest posts will appear here. Automatically and without my involvement, as if by insidious chickenfoot voodoo. This first one is by frequent (and hilarious) commenter icecycle66. I know you'll enjoy it, so,,, enjoy!
- [How Was Your Christmas This Year? Please Tell Us About It](https://thewvsr.com/how-was-your-christmas-this-year-please-tell-us-about-it/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope everyone had a pleasant holiday. Ours was nice, which isn't always a given around here. Oh, it can go either way... But Christmas 2012 turned out to be enjoyable. I worked on Monday night until 8, and it was snowing pretty heavily as I drove home. Cool. A genuine white
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 12](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-12/) - I watched Death Wish on Netflix Instant last weekend. I thought it would be entertaining, in a grimy 1970s inner-city kinda way. And it’s always fun to watch someone snap and get massive revenge on the dregs of society. But it wasn’t all that good. Or maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind,
- [Many Things Bother Me, Yet Many Things Do Not](https://thewvsr.com/many-things-bother-me-yet-many-things-do-not/) - Last night at work a woman was watching a training video on a computer near mine. The video was minimized, so it wasn't taking up the entire screen, if you know what I mean. Yet, she left the cursor on the picture, in the upper left quadrant to be exact. And it was making me
- [A Few Random Thoughts About Christmas, and Some Other Nonsense](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-random-thoughts-about-christmas-and-some-other-nonsense/) - Does it feel like Christmas to you? Not me. In fact, I sometimes have to stop for a beat, and remember what season of the year it is. Is this summer? Spring? What? These are only split-second limbo states, of course. But I'm not exactly bubbling over with the holiday spirit. What about you? Sometimes
- [Perfection Denied: A Day Which Will Live In Infamy](https://thewvsr.com/perfection-denied-a-day-which-will-live-in-infamy/) - Since I'm regularly infuriated by people in fast food restaurants, and their scattered, shithead ways, it's very important to me that I not be a hypocrite on the subject. So, when it's my time to order, I'm always prepared for action. You'll never hear me say things like, "So, tell me a little about this...
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 19](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-19/) - OK, I think we’re back in business again. Sorry for the half-assed week here, but I’ve been having all sorts of technical difficulties. For one thing, whenever my home computer goes into sleep or hibernation mode, it won’t come out. When I move the mouse, or hit a button on the keyboard, there’s a loud
- [6 A.M. Flat-Out Kicks My Ass, and Our Family Argument Triggers  ](https://thewvsr.com/6-a-m-flat-out-kicks-my-ass-and-our-family-argument-triggers/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! It feels like I've been away for a long time. That big Charmin extravaganza on Friday wasn't a regular update, it was done over several days, which is outside my usual crank 'em out like an email way of doing things around here. Then there was yesterday's disgrace... Sorry about that one;
- [Five Random Photos I Took While "Shopping" On Saturday](https://thewvsr.com/fiv-random-photos-i-took-while-shopping-on-saturday/) - Dollar store pregnancy tests. Douche with straw in his hat at Wendy's. Can you turn it all into a story? Now playing in the bunker Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada
- [Somewhere Mr. Whipple is Crying: The Truth About Today's Toilet Paper Commercials](https://thewvsr.com/some-of-these-toilet-paper-commercials-are-grossing-me-out/) - I've been watching TV for roughly a million years, and have seen thousands of commercials about rectum ribbon. But I can't really recall being disgusted by any of them, until recently. In the old days it seemed to be more about brand recognition, and less about... functionality. Everybody knows what toilet paper is used for,
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 429](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-429/) - A few days ago I was driving home from the library, and there was a woman walking a dog through our neighborhood. Nothing unusual about that... and I instinctively gave her a friendly wave as I went past; it's how we do things here in suburbia. However, the tale takes a very dark turn from
- [Graham Parker, and a Night on the Fringe in Philadelphia](https://thewvsr.com/graham-parker-and-a-night-on-the-fringe-in-philadelphia/) - OK, I'm officially burned out on Graham Parker. It's only a temporary situation, of course. I've been listening to his music since high school, and it's a part of my DNA. But right now... a little breathing room is in order. When I found out Graham had reunited his original band, the Rumour, and would
- [Who Is Your Favorite Person With Whom You Share a Birthday?](https://thewvsr.com/who-is-your-favorite-person-with-whom-you-share-a-birthday/) - So, I'm somehow 50 years old. I don't know how this happened so quickly; it's fairly embarrassing. One minute you're a 20 year old dumbass, and the next minute you're 50, doughy, and still holdin' the line on the dumbass. Sweet sainted mother of Buzz Capra! Here are some other people who were born on
- [Tell Us About the Things You Wish You Could Unsee](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-things-you-wish-you-could-unsee/) - This is going to be brief, my friends. I started writing another update, and it was kinda funny... so I decided to set it aside and give it some extra attention, as time permits. Kinda funny is rare, and needs to be protected. Today is Wednesday, so I've got very little time here. I can't
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-4/) - It's snowing here, and everybody's out and about. Except for me and the hound, that is. The 16 year old is at swim practice, and has never driven on slick roads -- not once. I'll be all clenched-up, until he gets home. And Toney is in Scranton, with the younger boy, at an orthodontist appointment.
- [More Fun on Interstate 81, Thanksgiving, and Our Favorite Pies](https://thewvsr.com/more-fun-on-interstate-81-thanksgiving-and-our-favorite-pies/) - I had to work on Saturday morning, and that – right there – is a bad combination of words. SATURDAY is the only day I get to spend with my family, and the one day I try to never, ever WORK. And MORNING blows ass, regardless of the day of the week. They wanted me
- [Too Tired to Give a Shit: the Music and Thanksgiving Edition](https://thewvsr.com/too-tired-to-give-a-shit-the-music-and-thanksgiving-edition/) - I was walking through the back room at work a few days ago, and the radio was blasting "Been Caught Stealing" by Jane's Addiction. And one young guy said, "Hey, who is this?" And another young guy said, "You don't know who this is?! I can't believe you don't know!! It's the Beastie Boys, you
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 91](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-91/) - Are the words "bring" and "take" interchangeable at this point? Has society decided this? If so, I'll try to let it go; I'm not unreasonable. I just need to know. Is it now acceptable to say things like, "Thanks for the slice of birthday cake. I'm not hungry right now, but I'll bring it home
- [Today's Update Was Hijacked By A Wedding Show On Cable TV](https://thewvsr.com/todays-update-was-hijacked-by-a-wedding-show-on-cable-tv/) - Toney's home sick today. I think it might be consumption or thrush, but I'm no doctor. She's watching a TV show in which four women attend each others' weddings, and rate them in different categories. I've seen it before, and it's strangely addictive. I was just up there talking with her, and started feeling myself
- [Our Guide to U.S. Inter-Regional Mockery](https://thewvsr.com/our-guide-to-u-s-inter-regional-mockery/) - As Hurricane Sandy was swirling off the east coast of the United States a few weeks ago, and people in its path began to freak-out a bit, a predictable thing happened. Folks in other parts of the country began to mock the reactions of people who would be affected by the storm. Because, you see,
- [Unnecessary Apostrophes, and an Irishman in the House!](https://thewvsr.com/unnecessary-apostrophes-and-an-irishman-in-the-house/) - My employer gives everyone a frozen turkey every year for Thanksgiving, and it's a nice gesture. However, there are signs posted all around the building reminding us to pick up our "turkey's" on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. And that unnecessary apostrophe taunts me. It says, "I am strong, and you are weak. I know I
- [An Email Mystery, a DVD I've Wanted for 20 Years, and Pre-Programmed Answers](https://thewvsr.com/an-email-mystery-a-dvd-ive-wanted-for-20-years-and-pre-programmed-answers/) - I have two gmail accounts -- one for website stuff, and another for personal use. And the photo that's associated with the personal one is now a black man giving a speech. I don't know how this happened. I have no idea who the person is, or how it became the icon for my private
- [I'm Distracted By The Rare Act Of Purchasing Concert Tickets](https://thewvsr.com/im-distracted-by-the-rare-act-of-purchasing-concert-tickets/) - Tickets have been purchased for the Graham Parker and the Rumour show in Philadelphia, later this month. So, there you go. I make it to about two shows per year at this point, and believe this will be the second or third of 2012. So, I'm right on schedule. Graham Parker hasn't toured with the
- [Some Thoughts on Aging, and Our Dog Who Was Yelling Racial Slurs Today](https://thewvsr.com/some-thoughts-on-aging-and-our-dog-who-was-yelling-racial-slurs-today/) - Today is Toney’s birthday, tomorrow is the younger boy’s birthday, and later in the month… I turn 50. Good god! It gives me the heebie jeebies, just typing it out like that. How is such a thing possible? I feel exactly the way I did when I was 30. I look like hell, but don’t
- [A Five Hour Decision, Sincere Gratitude, Recent Text Messages, and Chapped Lips](https://thewvsr.com/a-five-hour-decision-sincere-gratitude-recent-text-messages-and-chapped-lips/) - I have to work five hours mandatory overtime, between now and Saturday night. I can go in whenever I want, so I've got the old movie cliche of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. The angel is telling me to go in now, and get it out of the way.
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 29](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-29-2/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! I hate to start this one out on an awkward note... but I'm gonna have to shake the tip jar for a few seconds here. There's a website-related bill due -- specifically the mailing list service -- and no available funds in the ol' PayPal account. I would very much appreciate a
- [Shenanigans At The Polling Place? You Be The Judge!](https://thewvsr.com/shenanigans-at-the-polling-place-you-be-the-judge/) - OK, I voted. But I have some concerns. I think there might be some shenanigans going on -- which are not unusual inside the great state of Pennsylvania. Please consider my experiences and observations, and make of them what you will. Sometimes our polling place is in the school administration building, and other times it's
- [Let's Talk Politics, Without Being Assholes About It](https://thewvsr.com/lets-talk-politics-without-being-assholes-about-it/) - I'll be voting tomorrow, as soon as I get two or three cups of coffee down my neck. I have a strong opinion about it, but won't be sharing it with you guys. No need to thank me... I was sitting somewhere eating a bowl of potato soup yesterday (purposely vague), while everybody talked politics
- [A Quick Sunday Update: What Did You Do With Your Extra Hour This Morning?](https://thewvsr.com/a-quick-sunday-update-what-did-you-do-with-your-extra-hour-this-morning/) - I think I had a little too much coffee today. This just happened, while I was helping Toney carry in the groceries: Me: What's this? Sushi?? Toney: The boys like it. Me: Oh well! Little Lord Fauntleroy. Maybe they should put on their lacy pantaloons and eat it on the veranda? Toney: What? Secret #2:
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 419](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-419/) - This is the fourth day in a row our kids haven't gone to school. Well, it's actually Day Six for the younger hooligan, thanks to him punching some deserving little shit in the face last week. Four out of six schools in our town still have no power, because of the storm. Also, the pool
- [What Are Your Favorite Halloween Memories? ](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-favorite-halloween-memories/) - I was never much of a Halloween fan, not even as a kid. Oh, I jumped through all the required hoops to get my sack o' chocolate, but it wasn't a lot of fun. Wearing wigs and press-on mustaches just doesn't mash my buttons, for some reason. Many people love it, but I'm not one
- [The Hurricane Sandy Report: Our Lights Briefly Flickered!](https://thewvsr.com/the-hurricane-sandy-report-our-lights-briefly-flickered/) - Toney didn't want me to go to work yesterday -- said she had a bad feeling -- but I thought I should at least go in for a few hours. So I left at 2:00, as normal. And it wasn't good. The sky looked weird, it was raining sideways, and there were occasional gusts of
- [Hurricane Concerns, VHS Exploration, and a Rare Jewel](https://thewvsr.com/hurricane-concerns-vhs-exploration-and-a-rare-jewel/) - Hurricane Sandy Duncan is bearing down on us, and tonight at work could be interesting. In fact, if they start talking about closing Interstate 81, I'm getting the hell out of there. I don't want to be stranded 40 miles from home, with empty bleach bottles flying around. By the way, what time is the
- [10 Things You Might Not Know About the Late Porn Star John Holmes](https://thewvsr.com/10-things-you-might-not-know-about-the-late-porn-star-john-holmes/) - Whenever John Holmes became aroused, lights in the building would momentarily dim, then return to normal. Sometimes small appliances would also stop working. It was believed his enormous penis would tap into whatever energy source was handy, and absorb it during the powering-up process. During his teenage years Holmes was almost fired from a job
- [A Touch of Controversy, Fist Fights, and Public Humiliation](https://thewvsr.com/a-touch-of-controversy-fist-fights-and-public-humiliation/) - Throwing feces through a kitchen window. That would be a good title, wouldn’t it? Maybe for a book, or a documentary of some sort? I’m going to keep working on it. I’m feeling genuine potential here. Before we get started with this dubious exercise today, I need to address something. I guess our friend T.
- [Guest Column: T. Farty McAppleass: Almost Drunk at the Target Deli](https://thewvsr.com/guest-column-t-farty-mcappleass-almost-drunk-at-the-target-deli/) - Hello Surf Reporters! As I've mentioned a hundred, possibly even dozens of times, Wednesdays are difficult for me. I have a small writin' window, even under normal circumstances, but on Wednesdays I have to be at work an hour earlier than normal. So, I often miss those days, and don't post anything. But this week
- [Some Nerd Stuff, Our Sped-Up Neighbor, and a Misplaced Dollar Sign](https://thewvsr.com/some-nerd-stuff-our-sped-up-neighbor-and-a-misplaced-dollar-sign/) - For about fifteen minutes I owned one of the best cell phones in the world. It's the Droid Bionic, and when I bought it, it was the absolute pinnacle of mobile phonage. But, of course, it was quickly surpassed. And now, a short year later, it's not even offered for sale anymore. Oh well. It's
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 242](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-242/) - By the way, before we get started here… I want to make it clear that I don’t REALLY use a Moleskine notebook. They’re fairly pretentious. Also, they cost about twelve bucks each, versus the ones I buy at Target for a dime. The only time I used an actual Moleskine was during our trip to
- [From the Cutting Room Floor: The Kessler Episode](https://thewvsr.com/from-the-cutting-room-floor-the-kessler-episode/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! Wednesdays are a little tough, because I have to be at work an hour early -- and try not to be too sarcastic during a meeting. But I didn't want to miss yet another day here, so I've decided to post some more stuff that's been cut from my new book. The
- [Three Random Questions, and a Drawing of a Tuna Can](https://thewvsr.com/three-random-questions-and-a-drawing-of-a-tuna-can/) - What kinds of stores make you sad? I can answer that one without hesitation: drug stores. I can't really put my finger on the reason, but those places always bring me down. In fact, I try to stay out of them. They sell weird things (enemas, Fiddle Faddle, playing cards, tuna), for ridiculously high prices,
- [Worthwhile TV Shows, Talking With the Dead, and Cases of Mistaken Identity](https://thewvsr.com/worthwhile-tv-shows-talking-with-the-dead-and-cases-of-mistaken-identity/) - I was looking forward to the new TV show Revolution. It’s set in the near future, or possibly current times, and nothing works anymore. The power grid has shit the bed, and car motors are useless. Suddenly, and for no known reason, the planet is thrown back to the mid-1800s. They did a good job
- [Stress Sleep, Crickets, Carl Ripken, and Our New Country Album](https://thewvsr.com/stress-sleep-crickets-carl-ripken-and-our-new-country-album/) - Yesterday morning my alarm started its goddamn chirping at 9:30. When I work, I usually get to bed between 3:00 and 3:30, and six hours is plenty of sleep, thank you very much. The alarm goes off on those days, always at the same time. But I'm having some trouble, my friends... Yesterday, for instance,
- [Treating My High Blood Pressure Is Causing My Blood Pressure To Go Higher](https://thewvsr.com/treating-my-high-blood-pressure-is-causing-my-blood-pressure-to-go-higher/) - I've been taking blood pressure pills for four or five months now, because I'm a portly man with a low tolerance for bullshit. Plus I'm pushing 50 (sweet sainted mother!!), which doesn't help matters. How did I get so old, so fast? The numbers just don't add up. In any case, these pills might be
- [A Quick Stream of Consciousness Inspired by an Old Photograph](https://thewvsr.com/a-quick-stream-of-consciousness-inspired-by-an-old-photograph/) - My brother, who is into genealogy, sent me a big batch of recently discovered photos from my mother's side of the family, mostly dating from the 1930s and '40s. Here are some of my comments, completely without context: Who's that cigar-chomping lesbian in the sailor suit? I wasn't aware of that particular branch of the
- [Fortune Cookie Concerns, Ugliness at Stoplights, and Nancy at the Eco-Village](https://thewvsr.com/fortune-cookie-concerns-ugliness-at-stoplights-and-nancy-at-the-eco-village/) - On Saturday we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant, where we're semi-regulars. We've had some really bad Chinese food since we moved here (gloopy as a mofo), but have zeroed-in on a couple of decent places. One's a takeout joint, and the other is a sit-down restaurant. Saturday's destination was the sit-down place, and the
- [What Have Been the Highlights of the Past 24 Hours?](https://thewvsr.com/what-have-been-the-highlights-of-the-past-24-hours/) - I worked last night, on my usual day off, and (are you ready for this hilarity?) thought I might be able to get out of there around 9:30. Isn’t that a classic? Yes, I’m chuckling down the front of my Chick Magnet shirt as I type this… And as I was pulling into our driveway
- [Some Random Items of Interest I Happened Upon This Week](https://thewvsr.com/some-random-items-of-interest-i-happened-upon-this-week/) - Hello friends. Today is supposed to be a day off for your corpulent correspondent, but I've been summoned to work. I was anticipating low-stress, and everything's been jerked in the exact opposite direction. I think I might have experienced a bit of whiplash (AKA antici-lash). I don't feel so great. In any case, I'm going
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 178](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-178/) - I came home from work a few nights ago, at 2:30 in the morning, and went upstairs to remove my contacts. After the chore was done, and I rubbed my eyes for a full minute (the greatest feeling!), I lifted the toilet lid to take a leak. And I gasped with horror: nothing but shit
- [8 Things That Bug Me About One of My Favorite Stores](https://thewvsr.com/8-things-that-bug-me-about-one-of-my-favorite-stores/) - When I was a teenager malls were a big deal. They were still a relatively new concept, and people would just go there and hang out. There were record stores, and book stores, and interesting restaurants. It was a pleasant way to kill a few hours, when you found yourself with some hours in need
- [An Annoying Radio Commercial, and Why Is Everybody Speaking Dutch?](https://thewvsr.com/an-annoying-radio-commercial-and-why-is-everybody-speaking-dutch/) - There’s a radio commercial I seem to hear twenty times per day, even though I don’t listen to the radio very often. I don’t know if it’s being pumped directly into my brain, or what… It’s for some kind of unregulated weight-loss smoothie, that would probably cause your heart to collapse, turn shiny black, and
- [Have You Had Any Retail Altercations Lately? Please Tell Us About Them](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-had-any-retail-altercations-lately-please-tell-us-about-them/) - Remember when I told you about the post office inexplicably jamming a cardboard plug into my PO Box, and sending back all my mail for about three months? Do you recall that rant? My key still worked during that period, nobody said a word to me about it, yet they were returning to sender like
- [Hipster Phones, Yard Work, and the Worst Haircuts of Our Lives](https://thewvsr.com/hipster-phones-yard-work-and-the-worst-haircuts-of-our-lives/) - Why do so many people who instinctively go against the grain also have iPhones? You know, the folks who don’t own a television, or like to pontificate about how the Beatles are overrated? Those types. Many of them carry the world’s trendiest item around – with pride. It’s amazing. You’ve got to hand it to
- [The First Few Paragraphs of Today's Update, and Now the Rest](https://thewvsr.com/the-first-few-paragraphs-of-todays-update/) - I was just moving some things around in the family room, and noticed the small stack of Surf Report shirts on the rocking chair in the corner. That thing is a catch-all, nobody ever sits there. There are folded blankets piled up on it, and at least one jacket hanging off the back, at all
- [What's the Most Prudent Way to Spend $4000 on a Car?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-the-most-prudent-way-to-spend-4000-on-a-car/) - I know a guy who supposedly bought a 2007 Jeep Liberty, through an auto auction, for $2900. He swears it's like-new, and just recently drove it to Florida and back, with no problems. It's intriguing... However, I can't help but believe there's more to the story. That the negatives are conveniently being left out, or
- [Your Weekend Update: Kit Kat Crunches and Open-Air Balls](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-kit-kat-crunches-and-open-air-balls/) - A few times over the past couple of weeks Toney asked if I've seen an annoying new Kit Kat commercial. And since I almost never watch TV, the answer was no. But she mentioned it a couple of times, so I knew it must be a good one. And over the weekend I was watching
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 534](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-534/) - Today I went to Wendy’s for lunch, but didn’t want the usual. So, I shook things up. Instead of a #1 with cheese, no pickles, and a Coke, I opted for (hang on to something!) a #8, and sweet tea. Hey, nobody can accuse me of losing my edge... I’m still out there, man, pushing
- [Seven Paragraphs About Seven Different Things](https://thewvsr.com/seven-paragraphs-about-seven-different-things/) - The weirdness that is my life... Right now Toney is taking a CPR class, our younger son is watching ancient Black Flag concert footage on YouTube, and the older boy is on the deck sanding a ukulele. And no, that's not a euphemism. He's literally sanding his ukulele. I had a few beers last night,
- [A Quick Note to Let You Know I'm Not Dead](https://thewvsr.com/a-quick-note-to-let-you-know-im-not-dead/) - OK, it’s done. I sent my agent about 140 pages of the new book this afternoon. Now all I can do is wait, and run my hands through my hair. I’m reasonably happy with the way it turned out, and have high hopes. But we’ll see what happens. Good god. I apologize for letting the
- [Defending My Reputation, and Comedy Legends Who Are Not Funny](https://thewvsr.com/defending-my-reputation-and-comedy-legends-who-are-not-funny/) - Seriously? There's a professional tennis player named Jack Sock? Check it out. He's apparently rising to stardom. Heh. Jack Sock. That's fantastic. It sounds like something I'd yell at people in traffic: "Get the hell out of my way, ya jack sock!" He definitely belongs in the gallery. I know this might be hard for
- [A Few Quick Things, vol 217](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-217/) - You know, I've written about this before, but many young people are incredibly stupid, aren't they? Well, stupid might not be the right word... Aggressively uninformed is probably more accurate. When news broke a few days ago, about the death of Neil Armstrong, lots of dumbasses took to Twitter to mourn the passing of the
- [Our Day In New York City: Riding in Elevators and Eating to Excess](https://thewvsr.com/our-day-in-new-york-city-riding-in-elevators-and-eating-to-excess/) - We successfully made it to New York City and back, without being shot. Yikes! Shocking news this morning… Scary, even. We were right there, 24 hours earlier. I don’t much care for it. Anyway, the trip was fairly hectic, but I think everybody had a good time. We had two must-do items on our list,
- [Which Tourist Destinations Turned Out To Be Disappointments?](https://thewvsr.com/which-tourist-destinations-turned-out-to-be-disappointments/) - I'm working a half-day tomorrow, and we're going to New York City on Thursday morning. It'll be a rare opportunity for the four of us to spend the day together, doing something fun. Not much of that this summer... The boys want to go to the top of the Empire State Building, which made me
- [Better Than Nothing? What Are Your Thoughts On This Old Magazine Cover?](https://thewvsr.com/better-than-nothing-what-are-your-thoughts-on-this-old-magazine-cover/)
- [Tell Us Your Tales of Laziness and Half-Assery](https://thewvsr.com/whos-the-laziest-person-youve-ever-met-whats-the-laziest-thing-youve-ever-seen/) - The younger boy woke me up this morning at 11:15. Toney decided I’d had enough sleep for one night, and sent him upstairs to shake me awake. I’d been hitting the snooze button since 9:30. Wotta lazy sack. I groaned, rolled over, and expelled a cubic yard of intestinal gas. The change in position apparently
- [What Should Be The Automatic Hiring Disqualifiers? Let's Make A List!](https://thewvsr.com/what-should-be-the-automatic-hiring-disqualifiers-lets-make-a-list/) - One of the original Surf Report Rules of Thumb states, "You CAN judge a book by its cover." And I stand by that proclamation. However, it's just a rule a thumb, meaning it's only true most of the time -- not all the time. During my ridiculous life I've encountered a handful of people I
- [The Jeff Kay Curse Strikes Again! Another of My Former Employers Bites the Dust](https://thewvsr.com/the-jeff-kay-curse-strikes-again-another-of-my-former-employers-bites-the-dust/) - This past weekend the infamous Dunbar Fas-Chek closed its doors for good. I worked there when I was fresh out of high school, for about three years. It was quite an experience. You can read one of the many stories here. Wotta shithole. By the way, you can see my old bedroom window in this
- [Tell Us Your Fresh Outrage, and How You're Able to Maintain](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-your-fresh-outrage-and-how-youre-able-to-maintain/) - I love my kids, and don’t want there to be any misunderstandings on that front. Both are smart and interesting, and have given us no serious trouble. They’re good guys. However… they sometimes do things that annoy the shit out of me. Take, for instance, the way they eat cereal. The older boy, especially, will
- [Furious Whining from the Black Star!](https://thewvsr.com/furious-whining-from-the-black-star/) - I wish I could write about EVERYTHING here, and not just 75% of my life. I have an epic rant chambered, but only Toney is being subjected to it. It's frustrating. Perhaps I should fire up the old Bill Oates blog again? I might be able to remember the passwords... No, that's not going to
- [In Celebration of Unlikely People in Unlikely Places](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-unlikely-people-in-unlikely-places/) - A couple of months ago Toney started working part-time for the company that employs me. I almost never see her there, it's a sizable operation, but I'm always thrown for a loop whenever I run into her in the hall, or the break room. It all just feels... weird and wrong. I know my wife
- [A Few Quick Things, and the Worst Cars We've Ever Owned](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-and-the-worst-cars-weve-ever-owned/) - Today I’m having lunch with Steve, and one of our old classmates from Dunbar High. His name is Chuck, and he’s up here for the Pocono NASCAR race. As far as I know, I haven’t seen him since graduation day in 1981. Or, you know… thereabouts. Should be interesting. Chuck was a cross country runner,
- [Memorable Tats, '80s Slasher Films, and Rejected Olympic Events](https://thewvsr.com/memorable-tats-80s-slasher-films-and-rejected-olympic-events/) - I was in Sheetz a few minutes ago, buying a Dr. Pepper fountain drink. Why is it so much better over ice, than out of a bottle? I don’t know of any other sodas that fall into that category. Possibly root beer? I’m not sure about that one, but Dr. Pepper is blatantly better as
- [50 Signs You Might Be A Pain In The Ass  ](https://thewvsr.com/50-signs-you-might-be-a-pain-in-the-ass/) - You brag about your perfect life, your perfect spouse, and your perfect children on Facebook Even casual acquaintances know your political beliefs You back into parking spaces You like to brag about not owning a television You only use the first letter of your first name, and your full middle name, like F. Scott Fitzgerald
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 2](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-2/) - I think there’s a dead squirrel rotting in the wall of the bunker. It smells like decaying rodentia down here. I’m next door to the garage, where critters sometimes frolic. And, of course, what starts with laughter often ends with tears, and one of them kicks the bucket inside a wall for some reason. It
- [We Interrupt This Program For Some Penn State Talk](https://thewvsr.com/we-interrupt-this-program-for-some-penn-state-talk/) - Yesterday I was eavesdropping on two guys passionately talking about the sanctions levied against Penn State, just staring straight ahead and sipping a Mountain Dew Severe while secretly listening to their conversation. And almost everything they said was wrong. I'm not talking about their opinions, I mean the "facts" they were discussing. One of them
- [Have You Ever Attended a Reunion of Former Co-Workers?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-attended-a-reunion-of-former-co-workers/) - One of my problems is that I don't do anything anymore. We rarely go out to eat, I don't watch TV, I don't interact with anyone, and my world is so tiny it could easily fit in the cupholder of a Toyota Matrix. The most exciting thing to happen to me since I last updated:
- [Something New in the Vending Machine! Lay's Classic BLT Chips](https://thewvsr.com/something-new-in-the-vending-machine-lays-classic-blt-chips/) - I saw something new in one of the vending machines at work last night. And electricity was in the air... It was the most exhilarating thing that's happened around that place since LH got new seat covers and floor mats for her truck. Oh, this was big. I was so excited, in fact, I snapped
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 42](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-42/) - This morning I finally removed all the music from my work iPod, to make room for more podcasts and radio shows, and the like. I don't know the psychological reasoning behind it, but I only want to hear spoken-word stuff at work; music doesn't scratch the itch. And at home it's the exact opposite. As
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 179](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-179/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I don’t have the energy or the focus to come up with a quality, polished article today, so I’m just going to flip through my notebook and see what happens. Just remember, though… you guys wanted more updates. If this thing goes circling down the ol’ poop-catcher, I will not be held
- [4 Random Things That Captured My Attention This Week](https://thewvsr.com/4-random-things-that-captured-my-attention-this-week/) - One of my old Peaches Music buddies, Eugene, tells me the cable company in Greensboro is having some sort of di$pute with the local NBC affiliate station, and is (inexplicably) showing news broadcasts from Scranton/Wilkes-Barre in its place. Weird, huh? I'm sure the folks of Greensboro, Winston-Salem, and High Point are excited to learn about
- [Early Morning Racket, Jury Duty, and the Left Sock First](https://thewvsr.com/early-morning-racket-jury-duty-and-the-left-sock-first/) - So, it's OK to make as much noise as you want, once the clock strikes 8 a.m.? Is that what our society has decided? Well, it doesn't work for me, and I need for it to be pushed back to 10. And let's start that tomorrow, OK? Thank you very much for your attention to
- [Hole-Digging, Paper-Sitting, and the Nancy Manifesto](https://thewvsr.com/hole-digging-paper-sitting-and-the-nancy-manifesto/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope your holiday week was pleasant. I had four days off in a row, and accomplished quite a bit. Also, I got to spend some time with my family -- all at once. Usually it's piecemeal, a person here and a person there, but on Wednesday we were all home together.
- [In Celebration of Throwing Up in Cars!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-throwing-up-in-cars/) - During my life I’ve managed to vomit in many interesting places, including (but not limited to) a prom, a high school classroom, a comedy club, a carnival, and a wedding. And two of those, I think it’s important to note, had nothing to do with alcohol. But only once, during my illustrious puking career, can
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 134](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-134/) - Yeah, this two-updates-per-week thing doesn't feel right to me. I might have to reassess. It's not working out the way I'd envisioned it. Go figure. I'm usually so good at making wise life decisions.... Like this gem, from the days following my layoff from Warner Bros.: "We should probably stay in northeastern Pennsylvania, even though
- [A Surf Report Road Trip to Cleveland — Part 2](https://thewvsr.com/a-surf-report-road-trip-to-cleveland-part-2/) - On Monday I told you about Day One of our big Cleveland adventure, and today I'm going to briefly describe Day Two, otherwise known as Thursday. Confusing, huh? Let's get started. The Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame Steve doesn't drink coffee, so he doesn't understand the urgency of an addict. We ended up at
- [A Surf Report Road Trip to Cleveland -- Part 1](https://thewvsr.com/a-surf-report-road-trip-to-cleveland-part-1/) - My friend Steve and I made a quick guerrilla strike on the city of Cleveland last week, to watch the Cincinnati Reds do battle with the hometown Indians. Which, of course, is interleague play: something I don’t really condone. But, whatever. The tickets were kick-ass and free, and I never claimed to have integrity. You
- [Is the Earth Hurtling End Over End Into the Sun? Possibly the Final Update](https://thewvsr.com/is-the-earth-hurtling-end-over-end-into-the-sun-possibly-the-final-update/) - People who say they LOVE hot weather (“the hotter, the better!”) can kiss my big riffled ass. I think my core is about to melt down. This is the absolute worst: hot and sticky, with a demoralizing haze… God, how I hate it. I’d take snow up to the windows, over this crap, any day
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 215](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-215/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope everyone had a great weekend. I'd give mine a solid C-minus, but there's no need to focus on the negative. Ahem. My alarm started its goddamn chirping at 9:30 this morning, and the younger Secret came upstairs around 11:00 to tell me to get up. "You keep hitting the snooze...
- [5 Random Things I Simply Don’t Understand](https://thewvsr.com/5-random-things-i-simply-dont-understand/) - Yeah, this list could easily be 100 Things I Don’t Understand, or 10,000, or even some higher number. I don’t understand plenty. But I also don’t feel like gobbling a handful of trucker speed, feeding an industrial roll of paper into a manual typewriter, and attempting some kind of crazed manifesto. So, I’ll just limit
- [Feeling Guilty With My Parents, and Eating My Way Through a Tourist Attraction](https://thewvsr.com/feeling-guilty-with-my-parents-and-eating-my-way-through-a-tourist-attraction/) - We hadn't seen my parents in more than a year, which is indefensible. Everybody's busy, their West Virginia house is a ten-hour drive from here, and they spend half their time in Florida. But all that just sounds like excuses, really. If I'd made it a priority, we could have worked it out. It was
- [Summer Hours, Weekend Visitors, and Our Favorite Fair Foods](https://thewvsr.com/summer-hours-weekend-visitors-and-our-favorite-fair-foods/) - As I type this, the website is down again. And you can probably guess how well I'm taking that news... When this happened earlier in the week I was impressed by how quickly my hosting company fixed the problem, but I'm not very happy about it reoccurring a few days later. A problem that repeats
- [The Big Clean-Up: Tell Us About Your Chemically-Induced Colon Blow](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-clean-up-tell-us-about-your-chemically-induced-colon-blow/) - I was talking with a woman a few days ago who told me she does a full colon cleanse every six months. I'm not sure about the significance of the word "full," but she kept saying it, so it must be important. She insisted that her semi-annual cleanse is a key component of her well-being.
- [From the Cutting Room Floor: Visiting Our Relatives in the Country](https://thewvsr.com/from-the-cutting-room-floor-visiting-our-relatives-in-the-country/) - Hello Surf Reporters! A couple of weeks ago I posted part of a chapter I'd cut from my latest book project, which dealt with my young hooligan days in Dunbar. You can read it here. I've decided to go a different direction with the project, so a lot of the original stuff is hitting the
- [A Disgraceful Update, from Front to Back](https://thewvsr.com/a-disgraceful-update-from-front-to-back/) - Hello Surf Reporters! Before we get to the disturbing, gayish dream I had a few nights ago, I have to do something I hate. I need to ask for donations again. You know, almost every podcast I listen to, and NPR, and other websites… they all ask for Paypal donations continuously. And there’s no hesitation
- [Sunday Internet Repair, and Standing Around at Subway](https://thewvsr.com/sunday-internet-repair-and-standing-around-at-subway/) - We recently had trouble with our internet connection, and had to “call the man.” It was cutting in and out, you see, multiple times per hour. It would only go down for a few seconds at a time, but it was aggravating. Exceedingly aggravating. If I happened to be listening to a radio show, or
- [Special Report: How I Nearly Blinded Myself While Eating Lunch](https://thewvsr.com/special-report-how-i-nearly-blinded-myself-while-eating-lunch/) - As you guys know, I don't like to complain. Indeed, I've built this site on a foundation of positive thought and inspirational tales of common folks overcoming emotional obstacles. And I have a very busy public speaking schedule, where I deliver an inspirational message to upper management folks at Fortune 500 companies, entitled 'You Can
- [Some Fresh Outrage, and Our New Mall Stores](https://thewvsr.com/some-fresh-outrage-and-our-new-mall-stores/) - Hi folks. I hope your holiday weekend is going well. I apologize for being away from the site for so long, and could hit you with some solid excuses. But I’m not really into it. Excuses, I mean. Screw it… It’s too hot to care. Yesterday and most of today I’ve been doing some deep-cleaning
- [Yesterday's Stressful Hour, and How Have You Changed Since the Age of 26?](https://thewvsr.com/yesterdays-stressful-hour-and-how-have-you-changed-since-the-age-of-26/) - Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor, to discuss the results of my blood work. Here's part of a text conversation I had with Toney, while I was sitting in the main waiting room with nervous sweat rolling down the center of my back. Me: Stressed. Toney: Are u there? Me: Yeah, and
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 174](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-174/) - Our oldest son had to do a project for school where he was required to collect leaves from fifteen different trees, and label them inside a folder of some sort. Who the hell knows? Toney was all over it, so I wasn’t required to pay attention. But on Sunday he was working on it, and
- [From the Cutting Room Floor: Potatoes, Poop Sauce, and a Life Wrecked](https://thewvsr.com/from-the-cutting-room-floor-potatoes-poop-sauce-and-a-life-wrecked/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I'm in the early stages of writing a non-fiction book that will feature -- among other things -- stories from my life. I've started the project twice, and the latest incarnation is different from the first go 'round. Because I've chosen a new approach, I've had to scrap quite a bit of
- [Random People Tweeting About Finding a Pube](https://thewvsr.com/random-people-tweeting-about-finding-a-pube/) - Also: Random People Tweeting About What's Going On in the Bathroom at Work
- [Random People Tweeting About What's Going On in the Bathroom at Work](https://thewvsr.com/random-people-tweeting-about-whats-going-on-in-the-bathroom-at-work/)
- [So, What's Your Stance on Chitchat?](https://thewvsr.com/so-whats-your-stance-on-chitchat/) - I know this might be difficult for some of you to believe, but I was in Wendy’s this afternoon. I was sitting in a boof by a window, where I could keep an eye on my car (since my laptop was on the passenger seat), enjoying a #1 with cheese, no pickles, and a Coke.
- [Tell Us About the Stuff You've Been Enjoying Recently](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-about-the-stuff-youve-been-enjoying-recently/) - Hello, friends. It's been a long time since I've written one of these updates, and I'm hoping it's just like riding a bicycle or setting warehouse fires. I'm counting on muscle-memory to take over. I want to thank Virtual Jeff for posting a new Question from his database every day last week at 9:00 a.m.
- [[VJ] Who Would You Like to Take a Cross-Country Road Trip With?](https://thewvsr.com/vj-who-would-you-like-to-take-a-cross-country-road-trip-with/) - Hello Surf Reporters! This is Virtual Jeff, with my final installment of the week. I've enjoyed booting-up for you guys, and hope it hasn't been too painful. Jeff Classic will be back with you on Monday, unless he's killed in a catastrophic street cleaner accident, or whatever. Today's Question is another classic that's stood the
- [[VJ] Who Are the Ugliest Celebrities?](https://thewvsr.com/vj-who-are-the-ugliest-celebrities/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! Virtual Jeff here again. My duty is beginning to wind-down, and real Jeff wants me to tell you he's rating his project a B+ so far. Whatever that means. He'll be back on Monday. The next Question in my database is what they call a classic. It's the kind of question people
- [[VJ] What Aggravates You Most About Facebook?](https://thewvsr.com/vj-what-aggravates-you-most-about-facebook/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! This is Virtual Jeff, again. Yesterday we explored the things that aggravate you about websites, in general. And today I'd like to ask you about Facebook, in particular. In the comments section below, please tell us what people do on Facebook that drives you up the freaking wall. You know, like the
- [[VJ] What Causes You to Instantly X-Out of a Website?](https://thewvsr.com/vj-what-causes-you-to-instantly-x-out-of-a-website/) - Hello Surf Reporters! This is Virtual Jeff, again. I encountered a small problem this morning, and real Jeff was required to come down here and add kerosene to my tank. Sweet Jesus on a hand truck... You would've thought I asked him to roof Al Gore's house or something. What a crybaby. Our Question of
- [[VJ] What Nicknames Are You Glad You Never Earned?](https://thewvsr.com/vj-what-nicknames-are-you-glad-you-never-earned/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! Virtual Jeff here... The real Jeff is off doing something he's convinced is important, and has left me in charge for a week. He had some trouble getting me started, as usual, but it was just a small problem with the primer pump. Nothing serious. I'm humming along nicely now. In this
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 163](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-163/) - OK, this is the end of the line, my friends. After today I’m going underground for a week. I have something that needs to be accomplished (purposely vague), and will be turning over my life to it. Pretty dramatic, huh? No, it’s not the Lord… Yeah, I won’t be here, but the website lives on.
- [Items on the Docket: Summer 2012](https://thewvsr.com/items-on-the-docket-summer-2012/) - A few quick updates from the bunker… I’m taking next week off from work. And that means I’ll be free starting on May 3, and won’t have to return until May 13. To accomplish this, I only had to take four vacation days. Pretty nifty, huh? I’ll be working on a project during that time,
- [In Celebration of People Who Are Defined by Their Professions](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-people-who-are-defined-by-their-professions/) - A few years ago I met some people at a bar, and there was a woman there that I sorta knew. I hadn't seen her in a while, and asked what she'd been up to. She told me she was doing well, and working for a company that sells flooring, ceiling panels, etc., to contractors
- [Early to Bed, Early to Rise -- and Produce Samples](https://thewvsr.com/early-to-bed-early-to-rise-and-produce-samples/) - I went full-Nostrils today, and stayed home. I was planning to work ten hours, but there's a limit to everything and I've reached it. Over the past month I've logged so many hours in that place... just the smell of it makes me sad. Yesterday I got home at 2:15 am, went to bed at
- [What Would You Do With a Twenty-One Year Rewind?](https://thewvsr.com/what-would-you-do-with-a-twenty-one-year-rewind/) - A few days ago I mentioned that I've been listening to the old CBS Radio Mystery Theater. It was an hour-long radio show, broadcast between 1974 and 1982. It came on Monday through Friday, and all 1399 episodes(!) have survived, and are easily accessible. It's good stuff, about 80% of the time... There are a
- [Fool Your Friends! Childhood Fun With Gags and Magic Tricks](https://thewvsr.com/fool-your-friends-childhood-fun-with-gags-and-magic-tricks/) - When I was a kid there was a store in town, called House of Toys. It's long-gone. But it was a big toy store, needless to say, with a HUGE selection of model cars and such. Does anyone still build models? Somehow I doubt it. In any case, near the cash register was always a
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 73](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-73/) - Saturday was almost perfect. The weather was great, all of us were home, there was no dark cloud hovering above the house, and we had a great time just hanging out and being together. It's sad to say, but days like that are becoming more and more rare. There's always some sort of chaos, you
- [The Results of My Weekend CROSSROADS ROAD Experiment](https://thewvsr.com/the-results-of-my-weekend-crossroads-road-experiment/) - KDP, which is Kindle Direct Publishing, recently changed their rules, and are allowing self-published authors the chance to offer their books for free, up to five days per quarter. Previously they would only allow it if your titles were already free on the Barnes & Noble or iBooks sites. Since Crossroads Road has been out
- [How Would a Kid from 1975 React to 2012, and Vice Versa?](https://thewvsr.com/how-would-a-kid-from-1975-react-to-2012-and-vice-versa/) - Every evening, when I’m working, I call my kids and tell them goodnight. And on Tuesday and Wednesday this week the younger boy acted like he was down in the dumps. I asked what was wrong, and the first time he just mumbled, “Nothing.” But last night he told me he was bored. “Bored?” I
- [A Photo of a Dog, Teen Driving, Salads for Lunch, and Our Summer Travel Plans](https://thewvsr.com/a-photo-of-a-dog-teen-driving-salads-for-lunch-and-our-summer-travel-plans/) - This is going to be a quickie... So, let's just get right to it, and not waste time making excuses. I downloaded the Instagram app this weekend, and here's my first offering. Is that a great pic, or what? It captures the essence of Andy. He's a fantastic animal. Some days, when I'm feeling especially
- [Fridays Are Usually Fun, But Sometimes They Are Not](https://thewvsr.com/fridays-are-usually-fun-but-sometimes-they-are-not/) - On Friday morning Toney and I met with the accountant who is doing our taxes, and it’s no good. We used to get refunds, and now we always pay. The extracurricular income I receive (website, book, etc.) isn’t taxed – until April 15. So, the refunds are a thing of the past, and the pendulum
- [Charles Manson, Hot Dog Pizza, and Ancient Porn Memories](https://thewvsr.com/charles-manson-hot-dog-pizza-and-ancient-porn-memories/) - Charles Manson is up for parole again, and I'm kinda hoping they'll let him out, so he can appear on next season's Celebrity Apprentice. Manson, Fonzie, Joe Walsh, Gilbert Gottfried, Jewel, McKenzie Phillips, Tootie etc. I'm imagining Trump saying, "Charlie, you're fired." And Charlie flying across the conference table, like an agitated spider monkey, and
- [14 Things I Saw When I Walked Into the Men’s Room at a ZZ Top Concert in 1983](https://thewvsr.com/14-things-i-saw-when-i-walked-into-the-mens-room-at-a-zz-top-concert-in-1983/) - Three men, who didn’t appear to know each other, pissing into the same sink. Sun-baked hick, consisting mostly of tendons, whipping a bandana over his head and hollering, “Tube Snake Boogie… Whoooo!... Rock n Roll!!... Gettin’ my cack sucked tonight!” Ted McGinley lookalike, with a dishearteningly large penis, urinating directly into a floor drain. Two
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 213](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-213/) - Many months ago I volunteered for a project at work which was supposed to be completed by December 9, 2011. Since it was so radically delayed, I’d almost forgotten about it. Apparently it wasn’t so important, after all? Oh well. But on Thursday of last week – the first day of my weekend – I
- [Some Phrases Typed Into Search Engines During the Past 30 Days That Led Folks Here](https://thewvsr.com/some-phrases-typed-into-search-engines-during-the-past-30-days-that-led-folks-here/) - Crazy phrases typed into search engines, which led folks to the West Virginia Surf Report.
- [Have You Ever Known Something You Wished You Didn't Know? ](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-known-something-you-wished-you-didnt-know/) - Many years ago, in a land faraway, I sat in silence as two dubious characters concocted a felony that I didn't want to know about. The planning went on for a week, and they both spoke freely and openly, with me sitting right there. It made me feel uncomfortable on many levels. For one thing,
- [What's Your Fresh Outrage? And Other Stuff](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-fresh-outrage-and-other-stuff/) - During the past week I’ve attended two semi-formal dinners, where I was forced to wear fancy-pants and stand around making chitchat with a cocktail in my hand. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I’d make the world’s worst politician… I hate schmoozing, am terrified of public speaking, and tend to roll my
- [Explanations for Aliens: Going to the Gym](https://thewvsr.com/explanations-for-aliens-gyms/) - By the late 20th Century many human Earthlings found themselves living in an almost fully-automated world. No longer were they required to engage in physical labor
- [Explanations for Aliens: Opera](https://thewvsr.com/explanations-for-aliens-opera/) - Opera is a curious form of human “performance,” meaning it takes place on an elevated stage in front of an audience, which has inexplicably exchanged local currency for the privilege of witnessing the event.
- [Sleep Trouble, Car Repairs, and How We're Going to Spend the Mega Millions Jackpot](https://thewvsr.com/sleep-trouble-car-repairs-and-how-were-going-to-spend-the-mega-millions-jackpot/) - I took half-a-day of PTO at work yesterday, and came home at lunch. The plan was to hit the sack early, and be up and at 'em by 6 AM. My to-do list continues to grow, and I wanted to maximize my weekend. However... I had trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned and thrashed. My
- [The Great Bird-Spotting Adventure of 1973 ](https://thewvsr.com/the-great-bird-spotting-adventure-of-1973/) - When I was in fourth grade I was riding in a car with my parents and brother, on Washington Street in Charleston, and pointed at the flat roof of a building that was visible from the road. "Look at all those birds!" I shouted. Right away I knew I'd committed a tactical error. I didn't
- [A Brief Visit With Eninen and the Brood](https://thewvsr.com/a-brief-visit-with-eninen-and-the-brood/) - Toney had a conversation with Nancy this weekend, and I have a few quick tidbits to share with you guys today. Heh. 'Cause crazy never sleeps. The older translucent child, who is thirteen now, has picked up a new hobby: needlepoint. I'm not kidding. He reportedly took a home ec-style class this year, and fell
- [Fast Food Review: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-taco-bell-doritos-locos-taco/) - A few months ago Taco Bell announced they’d soon be unveiling a new taco that features a crunchy shell made of nacho-flavored Doritos. It sounded fantastic, like one of those “Oh hell yes! Why doesn’t this ALREADY exist?” situations. And when the news was first being reported on the Internet, my email inbox was flooded
- [Ugly People Flirting, Pounding Rain, and the Worst Things We've Ever Tasted](https://thewvsr.com/ugly-people-flirting-pounding-rain-and-the-worst-things-weve-ever-tasted/) - I’m thinking about starting a band called Ugly People Flirting. I’ll be the singer, of course, who specializes in an Axl-style serpentine dance, and will need some badasses on bass, guitar, and drums to supply the wall o’ rawk. Our first single: “We're All Ugly Now.” If anyone’s interested, please drop me a line. Pussies
- [What Songs Transport You, For Better or Worse?](https://thewvsr.com/what-songs-transport-you-for-better-or-worse/) - Last night at work I was listening to the Marc Maron podcast, and he was interviewing a comedian named Mary Mack. I was unfamiliar with her, but she turned out to be quirky and appealing. I liked her; she was a lot of fun.
- [10 Million Unique Visitors, and Some Reflections On It All](https://thewvsr.com/10-million-unique-visitors-and-some-reflections-on-it-all/) - It’s not exactly hard science, but one of the web stats programs I use tells me that sometime last week (I don’t monitor it very closely anymore) this site welcomed its 10 millionth unique visitor. And that's pretty cool. I started using Sitemeter in the early days, but not every page is tracked. In the
- [A Review of My Most Recent Visit to McDonald's](https://thewvsr.com/a-review-of-my-most-recent-visit-to-mcdonalds/) - I walked into the "restaurant" and nobody was near the main counter, on the civilian side or the worker side. So, I stood and waited. And just as an employee approached the cash register, a holler-dwelling couple shuffled in and started to tell her what they wanted. "Excuse me?! I was here first!" I should've
- [I Had a Cheeseburger Suctioned to My Crotch!](https://thewvsr.com/i-had-a-cheeseburger-suctioned-to-my-crotch/) - I went through the Burger King drive-thru on my way to work on Tuesday, and bought two cheeseburgers -- without pickles, of course, 'cause they're assy. I’d eaten lunch at home, around noon, but it didn’t take and I needed a top-off. The angry woman with hand tattoos, who looks 65 but is probably 39,
- [The Great McDonald's Sweet Tea Adventure](https://thewvsr.com/the-great-mcdonalds-sweet-tea-adventure-of-2011/) - On my way to work on Tuesday, I stopped at McDonald’s to buy a sweet tea for the road. Say what you will about Mickey D’s, but they serve a damn good southern-style sweet tea. It’s tasty, comes in an enormous cup that almost requires two hands, and only costs a dollar. Oh, it’s perfectly
- [Fast Food Review: McDonald's Big Mac Snack Wrap](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-mcdonalds-big-mac-snack-wrap/) - I know a guy with a friend who works at McDonald’s, and the friend reportedly keeps the guy stocked with a supply of black market Big Mac sauce. It’s delivered, I’m told, in oblong plastic bags with a nipple on one end. When he told me this, I busted out laughing. What would a person
- [Fast Food Review: KFC Boneless Filet: Chicken With A Handle](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-kfc-boneless-filet-chicken-with-a-handle/) - KFC is now selling chicken with a handle. No seriously, check out this TV commercial, about the new Boneless Filet. When I first saw it, I laughed out loud. Those dudes are smiling smugly, and eating what appears to be a chicken-apple. The ad makes it look like a large ball of meat, easy to
- [Fast Food Review: KFC Double Down Sandwich](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-kfc-double-down-sandwich/) - "Link bait" is a phrase used by bloggers, to describe a type of blog post carefully designed to earn links from other sites. They're often filled with controversial, provocative opinions and "facts," calculated to inflame -- and earn a load of backlinks to the website where the post appears. And I'm fully convinced that the
- [Fast Food Review: Long John Silver's Fish Taco](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-long-john-silvers-fish-taco/) - When I saw a TV commercial for the new Long John Silver's fish taco I thought it was a hard shell with nothing but a LJS breaded filet dropped inside. And it made me laugh. Does the existence of a shell instantly transform any food whatsoever into a taco? Is that the way it
- [Review: Moe's Southwest Grill](https://thewvsr.com/review-moes-southwest-grill/) - In Atlanta there used to be great little restaurant called Tortillas, where a person could buy tasty and gargantuan burritos, literally the size of a Nerf football. It was located in a questionable neighborhood, the sound system was usually blasting some kind of gravel in a blender punk music, and the clientele was, um, colorful.
- [Fast Food Review: McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-review-mcdonalds-southern-style-chicken-sandwich/) - A few months ago I noticed McDonald's had started offering a "southern style" chicken biscuit on their breakfast menu. "Wotta ripoff!" I hollered, like my mother-in-law at Easter Mass. It was clearly an attempt at replicating the kick-assness of the Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich. And while I was mildly intrigued, I refused to play along. To
- [A Review of My Most Recent Trip to Sonic](https://thewvsr.com/a-review-of-my-most-recent-trip-to-sonic/) - This past weekend we decided to visit the new Sonic drive-in, which just opened across from Scranton High School. It's the first one in the area, and it was a big, big deal. During the opening week there were genuine traffic jams, and the local media treated it like a major news event. Which caused
- [Bad Cookies, a Bad Mood, and an Upcoming Medical Exam](https://thewvsr.com/bad-cookies-a-bad-mood-and-an-upcoming-medical-exam/) - You know what really roasts my peanuts? Show-offy skinny people in gym clothes who opt for applesauce instead of fries at Wendy’s, or wherever. They always make a big show of it, and say it loud enough for everyone within thirty yards to hear. They’re like people who don’t own a television, and can’t stop
- [Fish Trouble, Pants Destruction, Facebook Shock, and the Name of My Bar](https://thewvsr.com/fish-trouble-pants-destruction-facebook-shock-and-the-name-of-my-bar/) - A few days ago I was in Wendy’s and decided to give their new cod fillet sandwich a try. I enjoy a good fish sandwich, and even a few questionable ones (McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, for example). And the TV commercials for that new Wendy’s deal had successfully captured my attention, which isn’t an easy thing to
- [Vacation Sniffles, New Phone Aggravations, and Workplace Bathrooms](https://thewvsr.com/vacation-sniffles-new-phone-aggravations-and-workplace-bathrooms/) - I took two days vacation last week, to stretch my weekend to a portly five days. Actually, it was more like five and a half, but there’s no need to showboat. However… on the very first morning, I woke up sick. It wasn’t anything horrible – just a bad cold – but how’s that for
- [In Celebration of Regularism](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-regularism/) - When we lived in Atlanta Toney and I went to a bar called Moe’s and Joe’s, every Saturday afternoon. We’d get there about four o’clock, and order a pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon, almost without fail. If you know Moe’s, you know it’s all about the Pabst; the place is a virtual shrine to PBR.
- [My Tuesday, Your Tuesday, and Picky-Ass Eaters](https://thewvsr.com/my-tuesday-your-tuesday-and-picky-ass-eaters/) - So, I'm sitting here a prisoner of my own home, at the hands of Federal Express. Or, as some of you name-shortening hipsters are fond of calling them, Fed-Ex... My new phone is supposed to be delivered today, and a signature is required. Grrr... I'm down here in the bunker, relying on Andy (Black Lips
- [Mistaken Identities, Swimming Excitement, and My New Phone Choice](https://thewvsr.com/mistaken-identities-swimming-excitement-and-my-new-phone-choice/) - We spent a good part of the weekend at the regional high school championship swim meet, in Wilkes-Barre, standing mashed into the corner of a balcony, attempting to occasionally catch a glimpse of the water. It was complete pandemonium, and we never got to actually sit down; it was standing room only, and my ass
- [Breakfast in Bed, a Load of Excuses, and Low-Grade Shame](https://thewvsr.com/breakfast-in-bed-a-load-of-excuses-and-low-grade-shame/) - Have you ever had breakfast in bed? On TV they make it seem like the absolute pinnacle of luxurious living, but I don’t think I’d care for it. For one thing I usually need to piss like Man O’ War when I wake up, have lots of excess air in the pipes, and am not
- [A Baby Full of Jelly, Twitter Surprises, a Good Documentary, and Dating Websites ](https://thewvsr.com/a-baby-full-of-jelly-twitter-surprises-a-good-documentary-and-dating-websites/) - Someone told me that three teenagers bought a baby doll at Toys R Us over the weekend, filled it with strawberry jelly, and threw it out the window of a car traveling southbound on Interstate 81. I don’t know if it’s true (I have my doubts), but it’s the kind of thing my friends and
- [10 Quick Stories About a Half-Assed Grocery Store in West Virginia](https://thewvsr.com/10-quick-stories-about-a-half-assed-grocery-store-in-west-virginia/) - Shortly after graduating high school I lost my lucrative job ($4.65/hr.) as a toll collector, and went to work as a stock boy in a grocery store, for minimum wage. Most of my co-workers were former classmates, or people with a similar “disposition.” Read: the kind of employees no sane person would ever hire. I’ve
- [A Spider Bite, the Flying Trapeze, and Starbucks Lightning](https://thewvsr.com/a-spider-bite-the-flying-trapeze-and-starbucks-lightning/) - Yesterday I was retrieving the mail, and a spider (I presume) bit me on the right hand. It was inside the mailbox, lurking like a punk bitch. When I reached in to remove the new issue of Entertainment Weekly (aka Crapper’s Companion), and some bills we can’t pay, I felt a sting on the side
- [Girl Scout Cookies, and Other Fundraising Attempts](https://thewvsr.com/girl-scout-cookies-and-other-fundraising-annoyances/) - A few weeks ago, in a moment of weakness, I pre-ordered three boxes of Girl Scout cookies from a woman at work. And last night word spread throughout the place: the eagle has landed. So, I handed over my $10.50 (shit!), and got two boxes of Thin Mints, and one Samoas. Then I promptly went
- [If Classic Sitcoms Were Modern-Day Cable Dramas](https://thewvsr.com/if-classic-sitcoms-were-modern-day-cable-dramas/) - A few days ago I was driving to work, and started thinking about Jackie Gleason. Hey, it happens from time to time… Specifically, I was remembering The Honeymooners, and how Gleason’s character – Ralph Kramden – was always threatening his wife with a punch to the mouth. “…Right in the kisser!” he’d roar. The 1950s
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 29](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-29/) - Toney and I have been eligible to upgrade our phones for a month or so, and Verizon is bombarding us with “reminders.” I think we’re going to take the plunge in the next couple of weeks and, as usual, I’m hemming and hawing. We can get a pair of Droid Razr phones for $150, which
- [For Valentine's Day: Our Breakup Stories](https://thewvsr.com/for-valentines-day-our-breakup-stories/) - Thankfully, I don't have an abundance of experience with this one... Across my adult life I've had three long-term relationships, so I've only had to endure the pain of a breakup three times (twice with the first girl, once with the second). But I promise you... I don't do well with it. The first time
- [Genuinely Shocking Celebrity Deaths, and Some Other Stuff](https://thewvsr.com/genuinely-shocking-celebrity-deaths-and-some-other-stuff/) - All four of us went to a movie this past weekend. It's a rare occurrence, because the boys are usually swimming, and we always seem to have twenty other things going on. It's something that rarely occurs to us -- an actual movie in an actual theater. But we saw The Woman in Black on
- [What's Making You Happy These Days? Anything?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-making-you-happy-these-days-anything/) - Yesterday I began wondering if I’d been conceived on the wrong side of the bed. I woke up furious, and was somehow able to maintain it for most of the day. I wasn’t making a conscious effort in that direction, mind you, but the anger usually fades; I don’t generally hang on to it for
- [I'm Going to Need Your Help With This One, Folks](https://thewvsr.com/im-going-to-need-your-help-with-this-one-folks/) - Some good news: So far I haven't been ripped-off by the highly-questionable convenience store I wrote about yesterday. When I first got there I tried to buy gas from a pump that wouldn't work. But when I went inside to talk with Mr. Helpful, he said the pump was on, and ready to go. We
- [The Way My Day Ended, and the Way My Day Started](https://thewvsr.com/the-way-my-day-ended-and-the-way-my-day-started/) - So, my alarm was set for 9:30 this morning, as usual, and I hoisted myself off the platform at... 12:10. What the hell, man?? I can't even remember hitting the snooze button, but the alarm was definitely set when I regained consciousness. Grrr... Reciting a litany of curse words, and shuffling toward the bathroom, I
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 271](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-271/) - Wanna hear something hilarious? A few days ago a woman at work said to me, “You’re learning this a lot faster than most people, you must be mechanically inclined…” I nearly did a spit-take. Mechanically inclined?! I had NEVER heard those words used before, in association with my dumb ass. I mean, I’m the person
- [Just Another Update About Calendars, Bee Pollen, and Purple Ears](https://thewvsr.com/just-another-update-about-calendars-bee-pollen-and-purple-ears/) - I'm not very happy with my 2012 calendar choice. I went with the vintage Coca-Cola ads, which is kinda cool. But the calendar part was botched. It's light green ink on a white background, and is difficult to see unless you stand up and mash your face against it. So, I can no longer check
- [Your Twenty-Minute Monday Special](https://thewvsr.com/your-twenty-minute-monday-special/) - While I was in the shower this morning I got an idea... I think I'm going to launch a campaign at work to convince as many people as possible that next Wednesday is Bring Your Pet to Work Day. Then I'm going to call-in sick on that day, and stay far away. Ha. I'm joking,
- [My Pledge for 2012, Atomic Fireballs, and Death of a Weekend](https://thewvsr.com/my-pledge-for-2012-atomic-fireballs-and-death-of-a-weekend/) - Now that we're in another political season (already), I'm looking forward to hearing about the people the candidates have met while out campaigning. "I was in a diner last week, Sherry's Diner, in Raw Sewage, Arkansas, when a mother of Siamese twin war veterans approached me in tears..." I love when they tell us about
- [Can You Remember Anything About First Grade?](https://thewvsr.com/can-you-remember-anything-about-first-grade/) - My first grade teacher died this week. She was 99 years old, which means she was about 56 when I was in her class. All the way back in 1969/1970... Or was it 1968/1969? It doesn't really matter. It was a million years ago, and she seemed old to me, even then. Yet she was
- [In Celebration of Annoying People at Rock Concerts](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-annoying-people-at-rock-concerts/) - I hope you guys had a great weekend. Ours was nice, thank you very much. On Saturday morning there was quite a bit of snow outside, but we made the kids shovel the sidewalk and driveway. Therefore, it was completely painless for Toney and me. Yes, I think the boys could see their futures flashing
- [A Daisy Chain of Ridiculousness](https://thewvsr.com/a-daisy-chain-of-ridiculousness/) - How could a grown man have a face like the Little Debbie logo? It’s a question I cannot answer, but find myself asking from time to time. You know, because I regularly see a dude who looks like, well… Little Debbie. And I don’t often notice folks who resemble a corporate trademark. Ya know? While
- [Shiny New Servers, Petty Jealousies, and Eating Spaghetti While Driving](https://thewvsr.com/shiny-new-servers-petty-jealousies-and-eating-spaghetti-while-driving/) - OK, there were a few minor bumps in the road, but the websites are now moved to new servers. I’d been with the previous hosting company since May 28, 2005 (I found the original welcome email), and don’t have anything negative to say about them. In fact, they were very easy-going and friendly. But it
- [What Would You Like to Add to the "Dumb, But Love It" File?](https://thewvsr.com/what-would-you-like-to-add-to-the-dumb-but-love-it-file/) - I recently pulled the plug on Netflix DVDs, and went with streaming only. I don’t regret the decision, but admit there’s been a few times during the past month when I was interested in watching something, and was disappointed to learn it’s no longer available to me. And I’m not talking about new releases –
- [Monday Quickie: A New Era Begins, Voices That Don't Match, and Van Halen](https://thewvsr.com/monday-quickie-a-new-era-begins-voices-that-dont-match-and-van-halen/) - OK, the new era is underway... I don't want to say too much about it yet, but you know the donations you guys sent? They're being put to good use as we speak. By the end of the week I'll be able to tell you more. But, trust me, it's going to be a better
- [Constipation, Laxatives, and the Eisenhower Dollar Syndrome](https://thewvsr.com/constipation-laxatives-and-the-eisenhower-dollar-syndrome/) - I have friends, as well as a few relatives, who occasionally feel the need to update me on their bowel movements. I’m not sure how I became the go-to guy for such things, but a good number of people believe I want to know about their remarkable shitventures. Of course they’re right, but that’s beside
- [2012 Was Supposed To Be Better! Wotta Ripoff](https://thewvsr.com/2012-was-supposed-to-be-better-wotta-ripoff/) - UPDATE: I don't want to jinx myself, but everything has been quiet on the Eastern front since yesterday around 3 pm. We tried a lot of different things, and one of them apparently did the trick. Temporarily, anyway. We go through this exercise every few weeks, it seems. Thanks to everyone who has donated to
- [Once Again, I'm Sorry For All This Bullshit](https://thewvsr.com/once-again-im-sorry-for-all-this-bullshit/) - Here we go again... The Russians returned yesterday, and have been playing havoc with the Surf Report. Of course I don't know if they're ACTUALLY Russians, but it's how I see it in my brain: goddamn Russians. We removed the bad code yesterday morning, and it returned last night. Today we've gone through that same
- [The View From Down Here, vol. 26](https://thewvsr.com/the-view-from-down-here-vol-26/) - I had an appointment with an insurance guy yesterday afternoon, in an unfamiliar but nearby town. I figured I’d better plan accordingly, ‘cause I don’t do well with directions. Here’s how it usually goes: Him: Are you familiar with Pittston? Me: No. Him: Do you know where the Polish Falcon is? Me: Is that in
- [When It Comes to Farting, I Have a Few Hang-Ups](https://thewvsr.com/when-it-comes-to-farting-i-have-a-few-hang-ups/) - Many years ago I was driving on Interstate 64, between Dunbar and Charleston, and my girlfriend at the time suddenly leaned to one side and unleashed Satan himself into the cab of my Luv truck. It was a confusing turn of events, because she'd never farted in front of me before. But on this day,
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 232](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-232/) - I hope you guys had a great New Years. I was in bed by 11 on Saturday night, and didn't even wait to see them lower Dick Clark from an office building, or whatever they do. I was going to stay up, but this message appeared in my Twitter feed: Justin Bieber sings 'Let It
- [Back Crackers, Pretentious Pronouncers, and Movie Repeaters](https://thewvsr.com/back-crackers-pretentious-pronouncers-and-movie-repeaters/) - I was talking with a guy at work a few days ago, and he mentioned that his son and daughter have been watching the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas repeatedly, for weeks on end. I groaned at the mere thought of such torture, and said, “Wonder why kids like to watch
- [Ahhh... That's 900,000 Times Better](https://thewvsr.com/ahhh-thats-900000-times-better/) - Yeah, I fell down the basement steps this morning. It was a fantastic way to start the day... When I got up Toney was in a frenzy, working hard at de-Christmasing the house. She usually rips everything down on the 26th, but we were like a zombies (or as one of my old co-workers called
- [Christmas 2011: Officially Endured](https://thewvsr.com/christmas-2011-officially-endured/) - For no sensible reason, our Christmas day started at 4 am. The younger boy was the culprit, and Toney didn't shut it down when she had the chance. Before I fully realized what was happening... we were all downstairs in the middle of the night. Getting up early on Christmas morning is standard, but 4
- [Merry Christmas from the Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/merry-christmas-from-the-bunker-2/) - Merry Christmas, Surf Reporters! I meant to update yesterday, but everybody was home and I got sidetracked. So, this will be a quick one to get that pizza bulb off the top of the page. That thing was bugging me, for some reason. Yesterday afternoon we went to the mall, and Sam's, for a few
- [Impending Freedom, Drunken Awakenings, and Strange Pizza](https://thewvsr.com/impending-freedom-drunken-awakenings-and-strange-pizza/) - After tonight I'm free. I've been living at work, almost literally. But it ends at 1:30 am, and I'll be off for -- are you ready? -- three days in a row. It's unheard of. This whole month has been one prolonged swim in the Bay of Turds. But I'm thankful they're letting me work
- [Your Tuesday Topic Dump, vol. 571](https://thewvsr.com/your-tuesday-topic-dump-vol-571/) - I don't know what the hell's going on, but my lips are chapped and my fingertips are dry and rough. Sometimes my lips go all Krispy Kreme like this, during the winter, but my fingers are freaking me out. It's very strange; everything feels unusual to me. I don't care for it. I know you
- [The Curse Continues, So I'm Having a Ham Sandwich](https://thewvsr.com/the-curse-continues-so-im-having-a-ham-sandwich/) - As I type this our internet is down (who the hell knows?), and our dryer has stopped heating. Yeah, it still tumbles -- it tumbles real good -- but it's as cold as an assistant principal's heart. I checked the breaker box, hoping it would be an easy fix, but you can probably guess how
- [Help Me Decorate the Surf Report Christmas Tree!](https://thewvsr.com/help-me-decorate-the-surf-report-christmas-tree/) - OK, I don't want to jinx myself, but everything seems to be Russian-free around here today. I apologize, once again, and hope it didn't cause too many problems for you guys. This one was even uglier than previous excursions into the world of Give-Jeff-a-Goddamn-Stroke. The code kept regenerating itself on my end, and caused genuine
- [There's Not a Hell Hot Enough](https://thewvsr.com/theres-not-a-hell-hot-enough/) - Hello, folks. As many of you know, we're having hacker trouble again. Someone is getting into my files, and adding malicious code. There's a smart person working on it, and my hosting company is looking into it, as well. The code has been removed about five times, and it keeps returning. The last time it
- [Our Most Memorable Christmas Gifts, and Some Other Stuff](https://thewvsr.com/our-most-memorable-christmas-gifts-and-some-other-stuff/) - Toney just sent me a text message that said: I'm expecting packages from Amazon, Dick's, and CafePress. If they arrive while you're there, put them in our room. But, utilizing my self-taught speed-reading technique, I only saw: expecting package... amazon dicks... our room... And for a moment I was plunged into confusion, not to mention
- [Your Middle of the Week Topic Dump, vol. 27](https://thewvsr.com/your-middle-of-the-week-topic-dump-vol-27/) - A few days ago I changed my Netflix subscription to streaming only. I’ll be receiving DVDs through December 18, then it’s whatever they happen to be serving up on Netflix Instant. I never watch the discs; they arrive at our house and sit on an end table for weeks, or sometimes months. Then I send
- [We're With the FBI, and Would Like to Ask You a Few Questions](https://thewvsr.com/were-with-the-fbi-and-would-like-to-ask-you-a-few-questions/) - I'm working a lot of hours, and things are becoming a bit erratic. Sorry. I missed yesterday's email dispatch, and that can't happen again. Plus, today's update is going to be as abbreviated as Paul Simon's wiener. I'm basing that on an old lady groupie I heard on the radio years ago, by the way.
- [Who Was Your Asshole of the Week?](https://thewvsr.com/who-was-your-asshole-of-the-week/) - A few days ago I pulled into a Sheetz gas station, to buy yet another $25 ration of fuel, and it was pandemonium. There was a vehicle at every pump, and another car waiting at most of them. It was ridiculous, and I started to growl like a dog. I saw an older man pumping
- [Last Night at the Low Bar, and Our Favorite Kinds of Pie](https://thewvsr.com/last-night-at-the-low-bar-and-our-favorite-kinds-of-pie/) - I was really hungry last night, while driving home from work, and knew the traditional bowl of corn flakes wasn't going to get it done. I considered going through the Taco Bell drive-thru, for two or three tacos. But I'm suspicious of that place during the middle of the night. The people who work there
- [I was in a good mood today until the mailman arrived...](https://thewvsr.com/i-was-in-a-good-mood-today-until-the-mailman-arrived/) - I received an AARP card in today's mail. A fucking AARP card! I thought that indignity wasn't supposed to start until you turned 50? I'm not 50; there's still time on the clock. Grrr... It went straight into the garbage, and hopefully one of those huge black birds will carry it off and drop it
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 246](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-246/) - Yesterday afternoon I took an impossibly heavy ("What's in this bitch, a corpse?!") bag of trash to the garage. The door was open for some reason, and when I approached the bin a squirrel LEAPED from it, and toward me. It had its legs spread out, like a skydiver, and I nearly shat. My heart
- [Thanksgiving 2011: Lots of Food, No Obligations, and No Nossy! How Was Yours?](https://thewvsr.com/thanksgiving-2011-lots-of-food-no-obligation-and-no-nosssy-how-was-yours/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope your holiday went well. Ours was a thing of beauty: great food, no obligations, and a pronounced lack of Nancy and/or Sunshine. Toney made a big breakfast, the two of us took a long walk in the early afternoon, and the couch and chair wallowing during the rest of the
- [The Partially Thawed Turkey Saga](https://thewvsr.com/the-partially-thawed-turkey-saga/) - My employer gave everyone a turkey this year, for Thanksgiving. Which is a nice gesture... However, we received them last Tuesday and they were already partially thawed and oozing juices. And I didn't much care for the oozing. Since it wasn't bowling ball-solid, like previous years, I didn't really know what to do with the
- [In Celebration of Accidental Nudity!](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-accidental-nudity/) - Yesterday I suggested (begged) you guys to please use our Amazon links while doing your holiday shopping this year, and someone said, "Yeah, but what about us up here in Canada? Why no Amazon.ca??" And that was a good question, for which I had no answer. So, last night I applied to be a Canadian
- [Our Favorite Beverages, Three Beers Per Week, and the Monday Email](https://thewvsr.com/our-favorite-beverages-three-beers-per-week-and-the-monday-email/) - I drank 101 ounces of water last night at work. On Saturday I went to the grocery store with Toney, which is something that almost never happens, and bought a big three-pack of 101 ounce jugs of spring water -- for something like two bucks. "I'm going to drink one of those per night at
- [Bed and Breakfast Inns, Boutique Hotels, and Other Unusual Accommodations](https://thewvsr.com/bed-and-breakfast-inns-boutique-hotels-and-other-unusual-accommodations/) - Have you ever stayed at a bed and breakfast inn? Back during our fake yuppie days in Atlanta, Toney and I liked to do stuff like that. Oh, we were nothing if not sophisticated... There was one in particular, in Asheville, NC, which we visited multiple times. It was "our place," and we promised to
- [Folders, and Backers, and Other Things that Bug the Crap Out of Us](https://thewvsr.com/folders-and-backers-and-other-things-that-bug-the-crap-out-of-us/) - Another thing I don't like: pizza folders. What in the everlovin' hell is that about?? I saw someone do this a few days ago and, even though I didn't know the person, I instantly had a negative opinion of him. I realize it's irrational, and probably not fair, but too bad. Pizza folders bother me.
- [Book Stuff, Beer Stuff, the Gym, and Newspaper Comics](https://thewvsr.com/book-stuff-beer-stuff-the-gym-and-newspaper-comics/) - I took a week's worth of vacation a month or so ago, to start work on the new book, and it didn't go well. I got some stuff written, but knew in my gut that it wasn't very good. I was distracted by a million other things, and could never get into the zone. But
- [What Have You Been Enjoying Lately?](https://thewvsr.com/what-have-you-been-enjoying-lately/) - I don't believe I've read a Stephen King novel since I was in my early twenties. Misery might have been the last one. Not because I don't enjoy his books, but because they keep getting gianter and gianter. His early releases (with the exception of The Stand) are normal-sized, but over the years they've all
- [Are You Ever Genuinely Offended? ](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-ever-genuinely-offended/) - When CROSSROADS ROAD was originally published, I offered 200 free Kindle or Nook copies at a website where book lovers congregate. In exchange, the folks who accepted them were asked to post an honest review somewhere online. It could be at Amazon, their personal blog, at the website where the giveaway was organized, or any
- [I Don't Like Mondays, or Most of the Days in Between](https://thewvsr.com/i-dont-like-mondays-or-most-of-the-days-in-between/) - I promised to start sending out a Monday morning email this week, and it's going to have to be pushed back. I wrote a lengthy (more than 1000 words) debut, but have decided not to publish it. At least not now. I think it would bore some of you, piss-off a few people, and generally
- [A Quick One Before I Leave For Work (aka Better Than Nothing?)](https://thewvsr.com/a-quick-one-before-i-leave-for-work-aka-better-than-nothing/) - Hello, boys and girls. Yesterday I was summoned to work early for a meeting, and need to go in today, as well. On my scheduled day off... So, I guess what I'm saying is, sorry for missing yesterday's update and I also wouldn't expect too much from this one. Heh. I apologize, but real life
- [A Few Quick and Ridiculous Things, vol. 31](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-and-ridiculous-things-vol-31/) - You know what else irritates me? When people say, "I'm not religious, but I'm very spiritual." Oh yeah? Well, you're spewing cliches, and are apparently under the impression it makes you sound smart. You are sadly mistaken. What's next? "I don't care if you're black, white, yellow, green or purple?" Fuck off. On Sunday I
- [Ask Your Doctor If Surfitol Is Right For You](https://thewvsr.com/ask-your-doctor-if-surfitol-is-right-for-you/) - Reported Risk Information: Serious side effects may occur in people who take SURFITOL, including: Partially detached heart, complete loss of skin, sudden change in sexual preference, teeth like the top of a castle, wiping compulsion, carnival barker disease, deep-staining toner farts, tongue the size of a Hi-C can, jelly bones, thick piss, Krispy Kreme lips,
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 629](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-629/) - I've been sleeping my big ass off. And you guys know how I feel about that... It's a complete waste of time. But, according to my calculations, I was only awake for ten hours during a recent twenty-seven hour period. And that's just ludicrous. In fact, I wasn't able to update yesterday because I didn't
- [TV Shows That Would Never Be Aired In 2011](https://thewvsr.com/tv-shows-that-would-never-be-aired-in-2011/) - A couple of nights ago at work I was talking with someone about old TV shows that probably wouldn't make it on the air today. All in the Family, for instance. There's no way such a program would be given the thumbs-up by network executives in 2011. Despite the fact Archie Bunker was designed to
- [Tell Us Your "Worst Flight Ever" Stories!](https://thewvsr.com/tell-us-your-worst-flight-ever-stories/) - I used to fly quite a bit, but it's a rare occurrence nowadays. The last time I was on an airplane was our return flight from England in 2008, and before that... it was prior to 9/11. So, I don't have any recent experiences to talk about. But I definitely have a Worst Flight Ever
- [A Surprise Update From Our Old Friend Buck!](https://thewvsr.com/a-surprise-update-from-our-old-friend-buck/) - As one of the charter members of the Surf Report Staff I feel ashamed I have been away so long. Frankly, aside from Chris "The Angry White Guy" I was the first one to offer regular contributions to the pages of this site, in hopes of enhancing its humor and using the space as an
- [Three Quick Tales of Bathroom Embarrassment](https://thewvsr.com/three-quick-tales-of-bathroom-embarrassment/) - This is by no means comprehensive, I could undoubtedly come up with five or six more if I concentrated on it, but below is the three bathroom embarrassment stories that popped immediately into my head. After you finish reading mine, please use the comments section to tell us yours. Yeah, and this could be fun,
- [Further Adventures in Suburbia, vol. 264](https://thewvsr.com/further-adventures-in-suburbia-vol-264/) - So, I ran all my errands yesterday afternoon, starting at Moe's for a cannonball of goodness, and ending at the gas station for $25 worth of 87 octane. For some reason I never fill my tank anymore, I just buy in $25 increments. I think it has to do with the depression that sets in
- [So, What Did You Have For Lunch Today?](https://thewvsr.com/so-what-did-you-have-for-lunch-today/) - I planned to write today's update on Sunday, because I have some stuff that needs to get done before I leave for work this afternoon. But, as so often happens, my plans went circling down the ol' poop catcher. Therefore... this one is going to be abbreviated. Sorry, but real life has a way of
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 20](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-20/) - My first week back at work is now in the books, and I'm free until Sunday afternoon again. I love the first day of freedom, it kicks massive ass. Also, it feels an awful lot like Bourbon Season outside... And this is my favorite time of year. The calendar says we're a little early for
- [Have You Ever Had a Job with Fringe Benefits?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-ever-had-a-job-with-fringe-benefits/) - One day last week Toney came home with a hilariously oversized box full of snack cakes. One of her co-workers' husband works for Big Cake, and she told Toney they've got the stuff coming out their ass, so to speak. So, she's started off-loading it to her friends. Apparently these gigantic cartons are going to
- [My Vacation, and Our Thoughts On a Permanent Vacation](https://thewvsr.com/my-vacation-and-our-thoughts-on-a-permanent-vacation/) - I’m not sure how many of you heard, but Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, died while I was away. It didn’t seem to get much coverage, so it might have slipped past a few of you. In any case, it’s always sad when the head of a major corporation leaves us, and it hit
- [Some Thoughts on a Classic: the Dum Dum Sucker by Evil Twin's Wife](https://thewvsr.com/some-thoughts-on-a-classic-the-dum-dum-sucker-by-evil-twins-wife/) - Ever notice that banks like to get the young 'uns all addicted to Dum Dum suckers? Kids are like Pavlov's dogs. If they get the treat one time, they will never forget it and expect it at every bank. Some banks don't give them out. Sometimes, perhaps, they're just out of stock. When I was
- [Things Are Weird For Me Right Now by metten](https://thewvsr.com/things-are-weird-for-me-right-now-by-metten/) - I am always surprised and excited when Jeff asks me to participate in something. It’s like getting called up to the big leagues and I always want to create something of the highest quality. I want to write something that people will remember. Something that will make people laugh and cause them to forward links
- [With God's Help I'll Conquer This Terrible Affliction [a guest post by Brad]](https://thewvsr.com/with-gods-help-ill-conquer-this-terrible-affliction-a-guest-post-by-brad/) - They make us feel indebted For saving us from hell And then they put us through it It's time the bastards fell A few days ago, or here if you're on the Internet, Mr. Surf Report shared some of his memories of the recently dissolved R.E.M. I liked R.E.M. and was a huge fan for
- [Dear West Virginia, by Jason Headley](https://thewvsr.com/dear-west-virginia-by-jason-headley/) - Dear West Virginia, I suppose this has been a long time coming. Looking back, it must have seemed abrupt. Twenty-two years we spent together, then I up and left with no real explanation. I probably owed you more than that. So I’ll try my best to explain it to you now. We were perfect together
- [A Lucid Moment with the AngryWhiteGuy](https://thewvsr.com/a-lucid-moment-with-the-angrywhiteguy/) - My daughter, the AngryWhiteGirl is seven years old. The biggest concern in her life is that she might get something for dinner that she does not like (like fish), and will be forced to eat it or go to bed immediately, without eating. Household money, or lack thereof, is not on her agenda. Neither are
- [The REAL Jeff Kay, revealed by Aaron Starmer](https://thewvsr.com/the-real-jeff-kay-revealed-by-aaron-starmer/) - About 6 or 7 years ago, I met Jeff Kay when National Lampoon approached us to work on a book together. The book never got off the ground, but in the time since I've come to know Jeff through the WVSR, as well as in the "real world." We all adopt personas when we go
- [I'm On Vacation, But the Website Isn't](https://thewvsr.com/im-on-vacation-but-the-website-isnt/) - This is it, boys and girls. I'm officially on vacation from my job until October 9, and following this brief update I'm going underground. I hope to complete at least one chapter per day of my new book, between tomorrow and next Sunday. Wish me luck. As is the tradition, there will be an interesting
- [What Was Your Most Memorable Family Vacation?](https://thewvsr.com/what-was-your-most-memorable-family-vacation/) - My vacation begins soon, and I wish we were returning to London, or something along those lines. Instead, I'll be holed-up at the library, pounding out the first draft of my next book. Yeah, it's not exactly a European adventure, but I'm still excited. I think the book is going to be a lot of
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 71](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-71/) - I didn’t make the beer drinkers’ bean pot this past weekend, because the weather was way too hot and humid. I got up on Saturday morning, walked outside to allow Andy to sling some urine, took a reading and said, “Yeah, this is not bean weather.” And that was that. Hopefully I’ll still give a
- [Talk About the Passion: Some Memories of the Late, Great R.E.M.](https://thewvsr.com/talk-about-the-passion-some-memories-of-the-late-great-r-e-m/) - Yesterday R.E.M. announced their breakup, and it made me feel a bit sad. Not overly sad, mind you, just somewhat so. They were a great band who made great albums and put on great shows. And during the years before they moved to Warner Bros. Records and became international superstars, they were also among the
- [Weird Ingredients, a Forgotten Recipe, and the End of an Era](https://thewvsr.com/weird-ingredients-a-forgotten-recipe-and-the-end-of-an-era/) - Last night, in the cafeteria at work, I purchased a superior turkey dinner. They have good food there, which is kind of surprising. At my previous job there was a cafeteria, as well, and they served stuff that was just north of edible. Tales of food poisoning and mortar shell diarrhea were abundant. But the
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 57](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-57/) - My alarm clock is like some nagging school teacher, or ex-girlfriend, or something along those lines. This morning it started screeching at me to get up, and I politely informed it I would be getting out of bed soon, but not right now. So, she left me alone for just a few short minutes, but
- [A Welcome Return to Normalcy ](https://thewvsr.com/a-welcome-return-to-normalcy/) - While I was having my disgraceful mini-meltdown last week, I kept telling Toney, "I just want things to be normal again. I crave normalcy..." And I think that was the root of the problem. I was working a lot of hours, Toney took a temporary job at Borders (did I tell you guys about that?),
- [Power Pop Discoveries, a Sudden Autumn, and Our Thoughts on the Days of the Week](https://thewvsr.com/power-pop-discoveries-a-sudden-autumn-and-our-thoughts-on-the-days-of-the-week/) - I've been listening to a lot of power pop over the past few days (even though I've been in a Morrissey state of mind), and I'd like to tell you about a couple of recent discoveries in that vein. Stuff I should've known about, but didn't... The first is an album by a supergroup-of-sorts, released
- [Don't Read This Update, It's Horrible](https://thewvsr.com/dont-read-this-update-its-horrible/) - I'll give you a warning now, this probably isn't going to be very funny, and probably won't be very long, either. So, if you'd like to jump-ship now, I certainly won't hold it against you. In fact, I'd recommend it. At the risk of sounding like a whiny bitch-boy, I'm in the midst of a
- [My Current Take on the Components of Yesterday's Lunch](https://thewvsr.com/my-current-take-on-the-components-of-yesterdays-lunch/) - Yesterday I went to Subway for lunch, and had a foot-long turkey and black forest ham sub. They call 'em hoagies up here in these parts, but I feel like an idiot saying that word. Hoagie. I try to avoid it, but sometimes it's just not feasible. When in Rome, you've got to douche it
- [Your Start of the Week Topic Dump, vol. 71](https://thewvsr.com/your-start-of-the-week-topic-dump-vol-71/) - Do you ever sneeze and it feels like something might have rocketed from your mouth, possibly a hurtling snot ball, and you can’t find it? That happened to me last night at work, and it bothered me for a little while. I was looking all around for it, and slapping my clothes and everything… I
- [A Disjointed Mess, Because of the Russians](https://thewvsr.com/a-disjointed-mess-because-of-the-russians/) - So, here were are again. Having the same conversation about the same goddamn problem... I'm thoroughly disgusted, and beaten-down at this point. I hate wasting valuable time on crap like this, and the latest episode apparently affected some other people, too. I'm unclear on that, but the guilt is certainly true enough. In any case,
- [Our End o' the Summer Visit to Knoebels Amusement Park](https://thewvsr.com/our-end-o-the-summer-visit-to-knoebels-amusement-park/) - Yesterday we piled into the almost-paid-for (just two more stacks of cash!) Camry, and went to Knoebels. We made two pilgrimages to the great old amusement park this season, once during the first week of kid-summer, and another during the last week. School cranks up again next Wednesday. I snapped a load of photos, and
- [An Update About Nothing But Urination](https://thewvsr.com/an-update-about-nothing-but-urination/) - Sometimes I think I’m guilty of bouncing around a little too much in these updates. I go from one subject to another all Willie McCovey, or Milli Vanilli, or whatever the correct phrase might be. So, today I’m going to keep it focused on one thing, and one thing only: pee. Hopefully that will prove
- [Infuriating Site Troubles, a Little Desperation, and Something Unusual](https://thewvsr.com/infuriating-site-troubles-a-little-desperation-and-something-unusual/) - Yesterday this website was blocked by Google, because of "possible" malicious activities. They said it was redirecting to a Russian (again with the Russians!) site that attempted to install malware on the user's computer. This happened once before, if you recall, and it was definitely doing what Google claimed. But this time? I'm not so
- [Weather Mockery, a Health Screening, and Some Other Stuff](https://thewvsr.com/weather-mockery-a-health-screening-and-some-other-stuff/) - So, the west coast is laughing at us east coasters, huh? Because everyone flipped out after Tuesday's earthquake (which I didn't notice)? Well, that's OK. Have your fun. It feels good, doesn’t it? Yeah, I remember that feeling, from when I moved to Los Angeles and saw how the locals react to rain. It was
- [What's Your Opinion of Disgraceful, Ball-Baby Male Napping?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-your-opinion-of-disgraceful-ball-baby-male-napping/) - What's your take on naps? I'm strongly opposed to them... especially for men. Is that crazy? Possibly, but it seems kinda ball-baby bitch for a grown man to take a nap in the middle of the day. Suck it up, sissy, and maintain consciousness for a few hours in a row. I'm sure you can
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 22](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-22/) - Our yard sale has come and gone, and it was a bit of a disappointment. We had some decent items this time, at good prices, and had it in our minds that we should make around $300. You know how you can feel in your bones what the realistic outcome is going to be? Both
- [A Great Idea Lost, and Our First Concert Experiences](https://thewvsr.com/a-great-idea-lost-and-our-first-concert-experiences/) - Yesterday, while driving, I came up with a great topic for an update. I remember feeling excited, and amazed that I'd never thought of it before. It was perfect! A natural. And now it's all gone. I have no idea what that topic was, and it's making me crazy. I've been thinking about it all
- [Dated References and Some General Whining](https://thewvsr.com/dated-references-and-some-general-whining/) - I'm tired. I hate to whine, but I'm dragging massive ass over here. Yeah, I know... I'm not working in a coal mine for 15 hours a day, or roofing houses in Georgia or something, so I should just shut my cannoli-hole and quit the bitching. I get it, but the fact remains: I'm exhausted.
- [My Transformation to Full-Blown Misanthrope is Nearly Complete](https://thewvsr.com/my-transformation-to-full-blown-misanthrope-is-nearly-complete/) - On Saturday Toney and I went to a few stores, and had lunch at Moe's. And it appears I've almost completed the transformation from regular guy to full-blown misanthrope. Nearly everybody in the general public irritates me in some way, almost every single person. I didn't used to be like this... not this bad, anyway.
- [Preparing To Set Up Shop On Our Driveway](https://thewvsr.com/preparing-to-set-up-shop-on-our-driveway/) - Before we get started today, I've had several people ask me about signed copies of the book. I swear it's true... I'm not just blowing smoke here. So, I thought I'd open it up for orders again, briefly. At the bottom of this post is a link where you can buy one, and I'll remove
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, and the Stuff That's Bugging Us](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-and-the-stuff-thats-bugging-us/) - My alarm goes off at 9:30 on mornings following a work day. So, I sleep from roughly 3:30 to 9:30, which is almost enough. Today, however, I couldn't hoist my heft off the platform. The younger secret finally checked on me around noon, and the clock was still stuck in its BRZZZZZ!... (snooze)... (silence)... BRZZZZZ!
- [Bad News, Book News, and Things We've Never Eaten](https://thewvsr.com/bad-news-book-news-and-things-weve-never-eaten/) - The Big Ass Television has stopped working, just like every other expensive thing we own. It's between four and five years old -- purchased shortly before Warner Bros. shit me out like yesterday's Salisbury steak. And now it won't turn on. There's just a flashing blue light on the front, and the JVC website tells
- [A Dying Business, Family Conflict, and More Twitter Nonsense](https://thewvsr.com/a-dying-business-family-conflict-and-more-twitter-nonsense/) - I went into the local Borders store this past weekend, and it was pretty depressing. As I’m sure you’re aware, the entire chain is closing down, and the stores are in the beginning stages of liquidation. And, man, that place was being plundered. Yeah, it was full of scavengers, which irritates me. But the sad
- [Your Middle of the Week Topic Dump, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/your-middle-of-the-week-topic-dump-vol-4/) - Last night I was thinking about Nancy’s population scheme, which she used to preach to anyone who would listen. Until, of course, she violated her own rules... Then, amazingly enough, we never heard her proclamations anymore. It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? She used to say that a couple shouldn't have more than two
- [My Visit to Wal-Mart in the Middle o' the Night](https://thewvsr.com/my-visit-to-wal-mart-in-the-middle-o-the-night/) - Last night I stopped at Wal-Mart on my way home from work, to buy contact lens solution. And before I get into all that... am I the only person in the world who ALWAYS wants to spell "lens" as "lense"? What's the story with that? I'm a very good speller, but there are a few
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 221](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-221/) - When I was in New York a few weeks ago, Duff told me about a guy on Etsy who would write anything you’d like on his beer gut, photograph it, and send you the picture for a price. She jokingly suggested I promote the book using gutvertising, and I told her it sounded like a
- [Way Too Hot, and A Few Other Friday Things](https://thewvsr.com/way-too-hot-and-a-few-other-friday-things/) - Remember how I said I wasn't going to update on Thursday and Friday anymore? Well, here we are... The problem, you see, was Tuesday. I missed it for a reason I can't now remember, and felt guilty about only updating twice in a week. I simply can't allow such lameness. So, let's get to it,
- [Bad Turkey, Laundry Trouble, and People Complaining in Restaurants](https://thewvsr.com/bad-turkey-laundry-trouble-and-people-complaining-in-restaurants/) - Sorry about yesterday. I polished off a Mavis Staples frozen meal, and almost immediately felt pukey. I don’t know if there was bad turkey in there, or what. But within ten minutes I was right up to the cusp of some sort of explosive event. Either a power-vomit, or a “cannonball dookie.” So, my mind
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 291](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-291/) - I'm short on time today, my friends, so I'll need to keep this one brief. Never heard that one before, huh? Sweet sainted mother of Wrongway Feldman! In any case, I was recently interviewed by two local reporters, and the first article appeared on the front page of the Lifestyles section of Sunday's Scranton Times.
- [Instant Messaging Hate, Netflix Pricing, and Laundromat Memories](https://thewvsr.com/instant-messaging-hate-netflix-pricing-and-laundromat-memories/) - Anyone know how I can change the settings for Facebook Chat to always read "not available to chat," or whatever? I need that to happen. Every time I go there some super obscure person from the distant past sends me a message. Hell, I'm afraid to even visit that site, because it makes me feel
- [In Celebration of Animals in Places They Shouldn't Be](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-animals-in-places-they-shouldnt-be/) - Last week I was at the post office, mailing an armload of stuff that should've been mailed a month earlier, and saw something run across the floor. It was in the back, where the workers work, and was moving at an accelerated clip from right to left. "I think you guys might have a mouse
- [Return to Sanity, Three Pounds, and Being Fired From a Job](https://thewvsr.com/return-to-sanity-three-pounds-and-being-fired-from-a-job/) - As I was saying… Many of our things are broken, and that list now includes the washing machine. Isn’t that hilarious? Of course it is. It’s like something off Green Acres at this point, and all I can do is sit in a straight-back chair in the middle of the floor, and hysterically laugh into
- [I'm Taking a Break, Boys and Girls](https://thewvsr.com/im-taking-a-break-boys-and-girls/) - I'm going to take some time away from the site, my friends. I'm struggling, and need to get a handle on things. I know that sounds kinda ball-baby bitch, and I apologize for abandoning ship. But things are out of control, and I don't do well under such circumstances. The latest: A few days ago
- [Help Me Lose Fifty Pounds, My Friends, Before I Have to Buy a Bra!](https://thewvsr.com/help-me-lose-fifty-pounds-my-friends-before-i-have-to-buy-a-bra/) - Last night was the first time I've struggled a bit with my no beer pledge. We were finished with dinner early, the weather was absolute perfection, and I REALLY wanted to walk to the yuppie bar with Toney and enjoy a few over-hopped microbrews on the patio. But I stayed the course, thank you very
- [Asshattery Inside a Bowling Alley: Thank You, Gerald Ford!](https://thewvsr.com/asshattery-inside-a-bowling-alley-thank-you-gerald-ford/) - When Nancy was here last week, she said her kids were given cards at school which entitle them to one free game of bowling each weekday during the summer. "It's part of the Obama fitness initiative..." she said, in a pleased and knowing tone. "Yeah, we used to get those cards too," I said. "It
- [A New Old Lawnmower, Creeps in the Neighborhood, and Radio Silence from State College](https://thewvsr.com/a-new-old-lawnmower-creeps-in-the-neighborhood-and-radio-silence-from-state-college/) - On Saturday we went looking at new lawnmowers, since ours was still nothing but a prop. The grass was getting tall again, and I can't afford (financially or emotionally) to pay some dude forty bucks per week to mow it. And I learned that a decent mower is freaking expensive. Since our yard is like
- [Our Oldest Son Is Away At College](https://thewvsr.com/our-oldest-son-is-away-at-college/) - Our oldest son went off to college yesterday. For a week, anyway. He's at a swim camp at Penn State, until Friday. It's a week of astronaut-training intensity, with the college swim coaches, and will undoubtedly be a memorable experience for him. And hopefully valuable, as well. There are 120 kids at this camp, from
- [Exhaustion, Dog Thieves, Early Debauchery, and Fake Magazines](https://thewvsr.com/exhaustion-dog-thieves-early-debauchery-and-fake-magazines/) - The last two or three weeks have kicked my ass. I don't know why, because I'm always running wide-open, but I'm wiped out. I hate to get all Nostrildamus on you guys, but I feel almost sick today -- literally sick from exhaustion. Yeah, I know, I'm generally the first to mock people who say
- [Going to the Bathroom:  Have I Been Doing It Wrong All These Years??](https://thewvsr.com/going-to-the-bathroom-have-i-been-doing-it-wrong-all-these-years/) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fU7-R8nyJ8 Hello Surf Reporters! This morning, like most mornings, I went trolling the internet for further evidence the end is near, and happened upon the video I've embedded above. I saw that it apparently featured an older gentleman dispensing advice on how to use a toilet. It seemed promising (I mean, seriously) so I clicked
- [Smuggled Theater Food, the Novel, and Some Standard Whining](https://thewvsr.com/smuggled-theater-food-the-novel-and-some-standard-whining/) - I feel like I just come on here every three or four days and whine. Is that what it's come to? It's a sad state of affairs. Everything DOES seem like it's spiraling out of control, but it'll be better soon. You can mark my word! Whatever that means... Even though the "visitors" will be
- [My Whole World Is Falling Apart, Pass the Beer Nuts](https://thewvsr.com/my-whole-world-is-falling-apart-pass-the-beer-nuts/) - Everything’s falling apart, my friends. I apologize for the lack of updates, but I’m up to my ass in mongooses over here. In fact, even though I missed Monday and Wednesday, I’m going to have to make this one a quickie. I’m sorry. But please know that when I feel like I’m neglecting the site,
- [My Weekends Are Conspiring Against Me!](https://thewvsr.com/my-weekends-are-conspiring-against-me/) - I’ve had better weekends. The “visitors” arrived on Thursday evening, which I’ll write about elsewhere, and on the very same day… all my websites were hacked. All of ‘em. And ain’t that a kick to the luggage? I started receiving emails on Thursday afternoon, from people saying they were being redirected to a Russian porn
- [Hick in the City: A Surf Report Road Trip, vol. 3](https://thewvsr.com/hick-in-the-city-a-surf-report-road-trip-vol-3/) - As I emerged from the subway station in Brooklyn, I saw a sign that reminded me of a stoopid joke I heard years ago: Q: What do Brooklyn and pantyhose have in common? A: Flatbush Yes, we're all buckled-over in laughter now, huh? Anyway, I was apparently in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, and made
- [Hick in the City: A Surf Report Road Trip, vol. 2](https://thewvsr.com/hick-in-the-city-a-surf-report-road-trip-vol-2/) - I had copious notes on how to get from the subway station to Duff's apartment, but couldn't latch on to a single landmark mentioned in any of them. The streets and businesses that appeared on the papers I had in my hand didn't seem to exist in reality. Had I gotten off at the wrong
- [Hick in the City: A Surf Report Road Trip, vol. 1](https://thewvsr.com/hick-in-the-city-a-surf-report-road-trip-vol-1/) - It blows my mind that a commuter bus runs between Scranton and New York City, but it does. Every hour or so, each weekday, and a little less frequently on weekends. Apparently people live all the way over here, and work all the way over there. It's crazy. In any case, I caught the 7:20
- [My Super-Exciting Day in the Suburbs of Scranton](https://thewvsr.com/my-super-exciting-day-in-the-suburbs-of-scranton/) - I had to run some errands today, since I won't be around tomorrow, and one of the items on my list was to buy a couple of new shirts for work. I'm in a cycle where I rotate between the same five or six, over and over again. They've been washed so many times they're
- [Weekend Update, Frustrating TV, and Ludicrous Commercials](https://thewvsr.com/weekend-update-frustrating-tv-and-ludicrous-commercials/) - I was going to update on Tuesday afternoon, but your stories were coming fast and furious, and I didn’t want to disrupt things. Lots of great laughs yesterday… You guys are awesome. The Half-Shirts had their annual Memorial Day party on Monday evening, and it was a raucous event, as usual. It sounded like there
- [A Weekend Reboot, Needing a Bathroom NOW, and Some Other Things](https://thewvsr.com/a-weekend-reboot-needing-a-bathroom-now-and-some-other-things/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! Sorry I’ve been away for a few days, but I needed to take care of some stuff. My life was a chaotic mess, and I had to bring some order to it. My OCD was flaring-up, and it was not pretty. I was about to lose my goddamn mind. So, I took
- [Death of One of the Good Ones](https://thewvsr.com/death-of-one-of-the-good-ones/) - Junior High, or Middle School as it's now known, is a difficult time for most people. When I think back on my three years there, it feels like Midnight Express to me. Perhaps I'm over-dramatizing it, but not by much. It was a daily descent into hell. People beating the turds out of each other...
- [Magazines, Newsstands, Record Stores, and Shopping Malls](https://thewvsr.com/magazines-newsstands-record-stores-and-shopping-malls/) - About a year ago I went on a tangent and subscribed to a bunch of magazines. They’re usually really cheap at Amazon, and I thought I could use a few more obligations in my life… What the hell was I thinking? Now all of them have expired, and I only want to continue with two:
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-4/) - My wife is friends with someone whose parents have a cleaning lady. The parents were going to be out of town for a few days, and they asked their daughter to come to their house and let the woman in on her scheduled day. And when she opened the front door of her parents' house,
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 32](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-32/) - I never understood the phrase, "Not my bag." Oh, I know what it means, roughly, but what's the origin of such a thing? How did field of interest become bag, somewhere along the line? It's always been baffling to me. I also get confused by the phrase "Top o' the morning to ya!" But, at
- [The Spectacular Teenage Car Crashes We Have Known](https://thewvsr.com/the-spectacular-teenage-car-crashes-we-have-known/) - I took the older Secret to the middle school on Saturday, and allowed him to drive my car around the parking lots there. He turned fifteen a few weeks ago and is suddenly interested in driving. Go figure. But he did really well... surprisingly well. I was braced for a few close calls, and the
- [My Weekend Was Dominated By Fancy-Pants Beer](https://thewvsr.com/my-weekend-was-dominated-by-fancy-pants-beer/) - On Friday evening I attended the one-year anniversary party for WILK radio’s Friday BeerBuzz program. It was a lot of fun, and I had exactly one too many. I wasn’t smashed or anything, but I probably should’ve resisted that final pint. I’m a paranoid sumbitch, in my old age. But everything worked out OK. I’m
- [What Are Your Plans for this Perfect Weekend?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-plans-for-this-perfect-weekend/) - As far as I know, there are only three things that might cause a lawnmower not to start: spark plug, air filter, bad gas. Am I missing anything? 'Cause I've officially reached the running my hands through my hair phase of this ordeal. Grrr... Why must everything be so difficult? Every single thing? Our yard
- [Dumbasses in Charge, and the World's Largest Pantry](https://thewvsr.com/dumbasses-in-charge-and-the-worlds-largest-pantry/) - As I've mentioned, the local Taco Bell is now staying open until 3 a.m., and I occasionally hit them up for a cuppa two tree crunchy/hard tacos on my way home from work. Those things are always fantastic in the middle of the night. They're approximately a million times better in the dark, than in
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 258](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-258/) - I hope everyone had a great weekend. The weather was absolute perfection, here in the Upper Perogie Belt. Plus, our lawnmower wouldn’t start for some reason, and how kickass is that? I submit that it’s INORDINATELY kickass. Of course, at some point it’s going to become a hand-through-the-hair aggravation, but we’ll burn that bridge when
- [Your Middle o' the Week Topic Dump, vol. 32](https://thewvsr.com/your-middle-o-the-week-topic-dump-vol-32/) - My spring hay fever is kicking up, right on cue. At the beginning of the season a lot of people start sneezing and hocking and snotting, but I’m perfectly fine. Then, about two weeks later, after the rest of the world has settled down, I get going. It’s no fun, but it’ll only last for
- [Nancy, the Museum of Puberty, and Paper Crowns](https://thewvsr.com/nancy-the-museum-of-puberty-and-paper-crowns/) - Nancy and Nostrils send their kids to some sort of "alternative" school where nobody receives grades, there's no individual recognition, and they have couches and overstuffed chairs instead of desks. And last week the older of the translucent children went on a field trip with his class, to (get this!) a puberty museum. OK, maybe
- [My Vacation Day of Beer and Books, and Fighting at School](https://thewvsr.com/my-vacation-day-of-beer-and-books-and-fighting-at-school/) - I took a vacation day on Sunday, because I reached my cap for PTO, and wasn't accruing additional time. And funk dat. Toney and I went to the Backyard Ale House instead, where they had Bell's Two-Hearted Ale on tap, along with a bunch of other interesting craft beers and imports. Much better than working...
- [Chapter One of Crossroads Road: A Novel](https://thewvsr.com/chapter-one-of-crossroads-road-a-novel/) - Hello, Surf Reporters! Today I've decided to post the first chapter of my new novel, Crossroads Road. There are obvious reasons for this... I hope folks will read it, like it, and feel COMPELLED to buy seven or five copies right now. I also want to have somewhere I can direct fence-sitters for a free
- [Our Encounters With Extreme Weather, and I Am Terrified of Tornadoes](https://thewvsr.com/our-encounters-with-extreme-weather-and-i-am-terrified-of-tornadoes/) - When I was a kid I had an irrational fear of tornadoes. Well... when I was a kid and now, I guess. 'Cause I watched this video today, and broke out in a clammy sweat and started breathing funny -- all these years later. Sweet sainted mother of Don DeFore! West Virginia isn't exactly in
- [The Good Stuff: Things I'm Currently Enjoying](https://thewvsr.com/the-good-stuff-things-im-currently-enjoying/) - I really like the new REM album. In fact, I liked the previous one, too. Something happened after Bill Berry, the drummer with the magnificent mono-brow, left the band. They started making dull records, and I mean REALLY dull. But the last two have been fun again. And I'm enjoying enjoying them again. Also in
- ['Bucket List' is a Stupid Phrase, But What's on Yours?](https://thewvsr.com/bucket-list-is-a-stupid-phrase-but-whats-on-yours/) - A few days ago my dad asked if he could read my book, and it was one of those George Costanza two-worlds-collide moments. I guess I’ll send him a copy, but feel uneasy about it. Ya know? I can’t allow my parents and family into the Surf Report realm, or there might be a rip
- [A Concert Review, a Wet Dog, and People Getting Hurt in Arenas](https://thewvsr.com/a-concert-review-a-wet-dog-and-people-getting-hurt-in-arenas/) - Elton John played for three hours Friday night, and that might very well be the longest show by a single performer I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of 'em. Not even Bruce Springsteen remained onstage for such a length of time. It was a real marathon. He played all the old hits, about
- [Working in the Twilight Zone, Elton John, and the Worst Smells Ever](https://thewvsr.com/working-in-the-twilight-zone-elton-john-and-the-worst-smells-ever/) - Have you ever been so tired you felt like you might puke? That's the way it was for me, yesterday. I was asked to provide "support" for day shift on Thursday, and it almost cooled me. The problem, you see, is that I worked until 1:30 on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, slept for about three hours,
- [My Ridiculous Voice, a Cry for Help, and Bragging Contrarians](https://thewvsr.com/my-ridiculous-voice-a-cry-for-help-and-bragging-contrarians/) - Thanks, everyone, for the feedback on my recent radio appearance. It went OK. And by that, I mean nobody cried, nobody shit their pants, and nobody threw a wild haymaker. So… I consider it a success. But, once again, the reaction to my voice baffles me. In the comments and via email, I was told
- [The Wiping King, Electric Battery Carts, and Being Really, Really Scared](https://thewvsr.com/the-wiping-king-electric-battery-carts-and-being-really-really-scared/) - On Saturday night I had a dream in which I accepted the job of writing a book for young children, on the subject of wiping. I did it strictly for the money, and it somehow became the most popular thing I’d ever written, by far. A runaway bestseller… The publisher was ecstatic, and pushed me
- [Today's Radio Interview, and the Paperback is Finally Available!](https://thewvsr.com/todays-radio-interview-and-the-paperback-is-finally-available/) - This morning I went to the studios of WILK radio, and was interviewed by Webster and Nancy, hosts of the morning show, as well as Joe Thomas, aka Surf Reporter Joe T. It went reasonably well, I think. I was pretty nervous, but didn't start twitching and sweating like that time on Drake & Josh,
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 2](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-2/) - I was at the post office a few days ago, checking the luxurious fur-lined Box 88, and there was some jiggleneck in the parking lot kicking up great plumes of dust with a leaf blower. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish, but he had a gasoline-powered motor strapped to his back, and
- [Physical Labor, News About the Book, and Memorable Pet Names](https://thewvsr.com/physical-labor-news-about-the-book-and-memorable-pet-names/) - I worked last night, physically worked, which is something that isn't necessary very often. But we had a couple of call-offs (grrr...) and I had to climb down into the trenches. Consequently, I couldn't get out of bed this morning. The alarm started chirping at 9:30, but I didn't get up until 11:30. I'm getting
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 278](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-278/) - We were in Borders yesterday, and I picked up a book called Encyclopedia of Dogs, or somesuch. I immediately flipped to the border collie section, and was laughing about how they're known for being able to stare other animals into submission. They're bred for herding, and use their intense stare to help get the job
- [Paperbacks, Dunce Caps, and What We Do for Lunch](https://thewvsr.com/paperbacks-dunce-caps-and-what-we-do-for-lunch/) - I don't want to jinx myself, but I'm fairly confident the paperback version of Crossroads Road will be available soon. Possibly Friday. After it's finalized I'll tell you guys what's been going on with it, and why my right hand has been whipping through my hair for a week. But I'm superstitious and don't think
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 46](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-46/) - Now that the Taco Bell drive-through stays open late, I sometimes stop and order two tacos on my way home from work, drive to my house, and snorkel them down while parked in the driveway. I don’t do this often, because it’s a bad habit to start. But once a week shouldn’t hurt much, right?
- [More Fun Along Interstate 81, and Your Most Memorable Tales of Vehicular Malfunction](https://thewvsr.com/more-fun-along-interstate-81-and-your-most-memorable-tales-of-vehicular-malfunction/) - I was driving to work on Sunday, southbound on I-81 (the Devil’s Parkway), when my rear passenger tire shit the bed. I’d been rolling along, singing loudly to “Bright Future in Sales” by Fountains of Wayne, and my world suddenly went wobbly. The car felt weird, there was a new sound I didn’t like, followed
- [I'm Mobilizing the Surf Report Army in Support of Crossroads Road!](https://thewvsr.com/im-mobilizing-the-surf-report-army-in-support-of-crossroads-road/) - UPDATE: I'm going to stop taking orders for signed copies of the book at midnight on Saturday. Response has been greater than anticipated, and it's quickly getting out of hand. I appreciate it, sincerely. But it's getting to the point where I won't be able to deal with it in a timely manner. I hope
- [The Reason I Priced the Crossroads Road eBook at $3.99](https://thewvsr.com/the-reason-i-priced-the-crossroads-road-ebook-at-3-99/) - I hope you guys will bear with me for a few days. I need to promote the book, and it'll probably be all I write about until early next week. But we'll get back to the normal ridiculousness soon, very soon. As I mentioned yesterday, Crossroads Road is now available for purchase in the following
- [An Update That's 85% Completed](https://thewvsr.com/an-update-thats-85-completed/) - I was in a store this past weekend, buying contact lens solution, and got trapped in a claustrophobic situation. I was trying to crab-walk my way down the appropriate aisle, as two old women with a pronounced sense of entitlement blocked everything and carried on a lengthy conversation. For a few seconds I was frozen,
- [Fun in the Target Parking Lot, My Successful Weekend, and Movies We've Never Seen](https://thewvsr.com/fun-in-the-target-parking-lot-my-successful-weekend-and-movies-weve-never-seen/) - We were exiting the Target parking lot on Saturday afternoon, and there was a car stopped with all four doors swung open. Other vehicles were inching past it, and I assumed the hunk o’ junk had stalled and wouldn’t re-start. But when we got close I saw a woman in jeans and high heels leaning
- [Finally, After Two Years or So... the Cover of the Novel!](https://thewvsr.com/finally-after-two-years-or-so-the-cover-of-the-novel/)
- [Some Questions About the Book, and Your Favorite Guilty Pleasures](https://thewvsr.com/some-questions-about-the-book-and-your-favorite-guilty-pleasures/) - On Tuesday I received the electronic versions of the book from the formatter, and yesterday it occurred to me that I could probably put it on my Kindle now. So, I did, and when it popped up on the screen -- looking as slick and professional as any of the books I've purchased from major
- [A Scattered Update, Nothing Is Working, Grrr...](https://thewvsr.com/a-scattered-update-nothing-is-working-grrr/) - I’m having trouble with the website, and don’t do well with trouble. For some reason I can’t upload new pictures, at Wordpress or the old FrontPage site. It makes me crazy. I don’t understand how everything works a certain way for many years, and then it suddenly doesn’t. There’s no known catalyst for this issue,
- [Your Weekend Update, vol. 7](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-update-vol-7/) - Book update: The cover is roughly 98% complete, and I’m very happy with it. The Evil Twin does great work, and this is no exception. He’s captured the mood, I think, and it looks great as both a thumbnail and full-sized. This was one of my ridiculous requests, which I’m sure he appreciated. I might
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 12](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-12/) - On Tuesday evening I received my "book" back from the formatter, and it's exciting to see it coming together like this. She did a fantastic job, and it looks as good as anything produced by a traditional publisher. In fact, she used to work in that world. When we started the process she asked if
- [Our Summer Travel Plans, and the Buck Manifesto](https://thewvsr.com/our-summer-travel-plans-and-the-buck-manifesto/) - I'm short on time here, and this one is going to be outrageously abbreviated, like these guys. Toney and I are assessing the situation, and trying to decide whether or not to book a week in Myrtle Beach for the summer. Money isn't as tight as it was six months ago, but we're still not
- [A Report from North (or is it South?) Carolina, and Our Strangest Neighbors](https://thewvsr.com/a-report-from-north-or-is-it-south-carolina-and-our-strangest-neighbors/) - Toney talked to Nancy Saturday morning and she had all sorts of plans laid-out, so her family might better cope with the horrors of daylight savings time. Every time the clock is changed, needless to say, it sends the entire bunch spiraling into an extended state of disorientation and pronounced vertigo. It’s one hour! But
- [If You Were Forced to Choose, Which of the Five Senses Would You Sacrifice?](https://thewvsr.com/if-you-were-forced-to-choose-which-of-the-five-senses-would-you-sacrifice/) - English Settlement by XTC is one of my favorite albums, and it continues to provide for me in my old age. In fact, it inspired today’s update. I was listening to it at work a few nights ago, and the song “Senses Working Overtime” caused me to start thinking about the five senses, and which
- [My Favorite Mockable: 8 Reasons Hall & Oates Are Better Than Chronic Respiratory Disease](https://thewvsr.com/my-favorite-mockable-8-reasons-hall-oates-are-better-than-chronic-respiratory-disease/) - The 1980 hit single “Kiss on My List” will often make a person tap their foot and hum along, while tuberculosis can cause a person to expel great quantities of blood and mucus. Hall & Oates have sold over 60 million albums worldwide, and mesothelioma can lead to a build-up of fluid between the lung
- [Another Scary Ride Home, and the Gospel According to Nancy](https://thewvsr.com/another-scary-ride-home-and-the-gospel-according-to-nancy/) - Everything was covered in ice when I left work at 1:30 Sunday night (Monday morning), and now snow was dumping on top of it. What the hell, man? I knew nothing of this; there was no prediction of such a scenario. Dammit! It looked like it might be another white-knuckle ride home. And yeah, it
- [Your Weekend Bunker Report, vol. 147](https://thewvsr.com/your-weekend-bunker-report-vol-147/) - Over the weekend the older boy took part in a high school district championship swim meet, and it was fairly mind-blowing. I’ve been to many, many meets through the years, but wasn’t prepared for this one. Raucous is the best word to describe it, I think. We walked in on Friday evening, and the noise
- [Eleven Short Paragraphs About Eleven Different Things](https://thewvsr.com/eleven-short-paragraphs-about-eleven-different-things/) - I just received The Social Network from Netflix. Am I going to like this thing? What about Shutter Island? I'm thinking about watching both over the weekend. Is this a four-hour mistake, a two-hour mistake, or a pretty good idea? Provide me some guidance, won't you? FYI: I'll never see The King's Speech. I was
- [Let's Talk About Parking Cars...](https://thewvsr.com/lets-talk-about-parking-cars/) - When I lived in Dunbar much of the residential parking was on the street, in front of the houses. And it was a constant problem. I can remember having to leave my car halfway down the block in the pouring rain, because there were no open spaces nearby. It seemed like there was roughly one
- [My First Weekend Of Freedom Is Nearing Its End](https://thewvsr.com/my-first-weekend-of-freedom-is-nearing-its-end/) - My first weekend of freedom in many months is winding down. I'll be returning to work today, and as surprising as it might sound... I'm not dreading it. I spent many, many hours putting a final "polish" (I use the term loosely) on my manuscript, especially on Friday and Sunday, and it's warped my brain
- [Dinner Down My Shirt, and Words That Make Us Cringe](https://thewvsr.com/dinner-down-my-shirt-and-words-that-make-us-cringe/) - Last night at work I bought a cup of chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria, and promptly dumped a load of it down the front of my shirt. Everybody had a big laugh at my expense (assholes), and I tried to put on a good-natured act of exasperation. But I was secretly seething with anger.
- [A White-Knuckle Ride Home, and a Few 'Awful Super Groups'](https://thewvsr.com/a-white-knuckle-ride-home-and-a-few-awful-super-groups/) - When I arrived at work on Sunday the place was a-buzz with snow-talk. I knew nothing of this, and Toney is usually all over such things. Some of the more dramatic people were claiming that a foot of the stuff would be on the ground by morning. But snow predictions are like politics, it's best
- [My Current Take on the Components of a BLT](https://thewvsr.com/my-current-take-on-the-components-of-a-blt/) - Bacon Like many folks, I’m a huge fan of bacon. It’s great in any role: the main attraction, a side dish, or an enhancement. Yes, it’s nothing if not versatile. But I believe I like it best as an enhancement. I love a bacon cheeseburger, for instance, or crumbly bacon on a salad. I also
- [Self-Awareness Trouble, the IRS, and an Unfortunate School Name](https://thewvsr.com/self-awareness-trouble-the-irs-and-an-unfortunate-school-name/) - According to the Internal Revenue Service, we owe them a little over $3000 because of some error on our 2008 tax return. We've been talking back and forth, but we all know how that story will end. Yeah, with me writing a check, and gripping the pen so tightly I suffer permanent nerve damage in
- [Slipping on Ice, Podcasting, and Ultra-Flimsy Tea](https://thewvsr.com/slipping-on-ice-podcasting-and-ultra-flimsy-tea/) - As I was leaving work on Monday night I stepped on an ice patch in the parking lot, and somehow managed to administer an Atomic Knee-Drop to the pavement. And the pavement was not impressed. My knee hurt like a sumbitch, and I ended up wallowing around in a mud hole for a minute or
- [A Concert for the Family, Recovered Booty, and Obnoxious Texters](https://thewvsr.com/a-concert-for-the-family-recovered-booty-and-obnoxious-texters/) - On Saturday morning Toney came upstairs and woke me up. I worked the previous night, and was still clear-cutting timber at 10 a.m. And before I’d even had a chance to fully understand what was happening, she started hitting me with information. “I just did something crazy,” she said. “Who?” “What do you mean, who?
- [Having Fun With Outrageously High Prices!](https://thewvsr.com/having-fun-with-outrageously-high-prices/) - What places of business have the most ridiculously high prices? A few jump immediately to my mind: the snack bar at a movie theater, the beer stand at a baseball stadium, and convenience stores along the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Can you think of others? Why, of course you can. Please use the comments link below, to
- [Zeroing Out the Moleskine, vol. 41](https://thewvsr.com/zeroing-out-the-moleskine-vol-41-2/) - A few nights ago I was listening to a really good, but criminally obscure power pop album. This one right here. I have both of his CDs, and they're equally fantastic. And since it had been a while, I checked the internet to see if he's working on anything new. And yeah, he committed suicide
- [An Apology, an Interview, and I Might Be Getting Old](https://thewvsr.com/an-apology-an-interview-and-i-might-be-getting-old/) - I apologize for the No Update Wednesday this week. I’m going to try to keep it to a minimum, but there might be a few more missed days than usual for the next month or so. Lotsa shit going on… First on the list: a hard deadline for my “book” is fast approaching. I need
- [Are You the Sentimental Type Like Me?](https://thewvsr.com/are-you-the-sentimental-type-like-me/) - Our older boy has been a member of a youth swim team since he was eight years old, and Sunday will be his final meet with them. After that, it's over; he’s being Menudo’d out the door. I asked if it made him sad, and he looked at me with a surprised expression, and said,
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 712](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-712/) - Today is a rare Friday off from work for me, and when I woke up this morning I groaned, as is the custom. Then I realized: you're free, pudgy! Wow, what a great feeling. I highly recommend it. Tonight we're going to dinner at the Red Olive, or the Octopus's Garden or one of those
- [What Happened During Your Last Ride Home From Work?](https://thewvsr.com/what-happened-during-your-last-ride-home-from-work/) - Last night it was raining ice. I was at work -- even though I live forty miles away, and many, many assholes who live around the corner called-off -- and ice was pouring from the sky. One woman went outside on a break, and wasn't able to get her car door open. It was a
- [What Disgusting Things Have You Been Asked To Do At Work?](https://thewvsr.com/what-disgusting-things-have-you-have-you-been-asked-to-do-at-work/) - A few days ago I asked you guys about your first real jobs. And it turned out to be a fun exercise. So, today I'd like to talk about the most disgusting and/or alarming things we've ever been forced to do at work. I'm not sure if we've covered this one before. But it doesn't
- [Mailman Pants, Fake Ailments, and a Strong Dislike of the Amish](https://thewvsr.com/mailman-pants-fake-ailments-and-a-strong-dislike-of-the-amish/) - There’s a guy I occasionally encounter, who wears mailman pants. He’s not a mailman, but he wears the pants of one. And what’s that all about? Any ideas? Perhaps he used to hold that position, and still wears the uniform? The bottom half, anyway… And if so, isn’t there some kind of law forbidding such
- [Sidelined by Sickness, and Our First Jobs](https://thewvsr.com/sidelined-by-sickness-and-our-first-jobs/) - I've been sick. Yesterday I sat in a chair for fourteen hours, shivering and achy, and perpetually on the cusp of vomiting and/or shitting myself. I never crossed over, though, and that's unfortunate. If I'd been able to find release, I probably would have felt a little better. Oh well. Today I'm almost back to
- [Nobody Cares About the Weird Dream You Had Last Night, But...](https://thewvsr.com/nobody-cares-about-the-weird-dream-you-had-last-night-but/) - One of the original Surf Report rules of thumb: Nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night. But I want to tell you what I've been doing for the past six or seven hours... I was living in a rickety apartment building somewhere, on the top floor. Every time I set foot in
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 61](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-61/) - I couldn't get a good read on my new boss yesterday. I was introduced to her, but didn't have the opportunity to have an actual conversation, beyond "Glad to meet you." Of course there are opinions flying around the place, but they're based on nothing but dumbassery. There's an awful lotta dumbassery in this world.
- [A New Website, and What Would You Ask a Man From the Future?](https://thewvsr.com/a-new-website-and-what-would-you-ask-a-man-from-the-future/) - I woke up in a foul mood this morning, for no real reason. Contrary to popular belief, I'm usually in a good mood, but not today. I think I'm at the end of my rope with all these freaking hours I'm working; I'm exhausted and way past burned-out. I was irritable and agitated before I'd
- [A Few Quick Sunday Things](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-sunday-things/) - Nancy sent Toney an email a few days ago, reporting “exciting news.” Are you ready for this one…? Apparently their oldest translucent child has started to develop body odor, and is now using deodorant. Hey, I told you this was big! Yes, the family is treating it as an important milestone in the little weirdo’s
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 4](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-4-2/) - It's another snow day, here in the Upper Perogie Belt. The kids, as well as Toney, are home, and the last day of school is now reportedly pushed all the way back to June 14. And it's still only January. Before it's over, school will be scheduled to remain in session until after the 4th
- [The People We've Seen Naked By Mistake](https://thewvsr.com/the-people-weve-seen-naked-by-mistake/) - Unfortunately, I don't have a lot to report on this subject. It's fun to see people naked by mistake, but it hasn't happened to me very often. I guess I just don't travel in circles conducive to accidental nudity; it doesn't usually happen at Target, or The Olive Garden. And that's too bad, really. In
- [What's Pissing You Off Now?](https://thewvsr.com/whats-pissing-you-off-now/) - To be honest, some of these don't fully piss me off, they just cause a mild grinding of the teeth and then I'm on to the next thing. But I'm lumping them all together in a giant Piss Me Off hopper, for the sake of simplicity. 'Cause complications also piss me off... -- The two
- [Two Pages From My High School Yearbook](https://thewvsr.com/two-pages-from-my-high-school-yearbook/) - I was flipping through my high school yearbook a few days ago -- the one with the unfortunate phrase "We're coming out" on the cover (wtf?!). And I noticed a two-page spread near the back of the book, where they published the results of a senior poll conducted during the 1980-81 school year. Below are
- [1366 Words About Visiting an Eye Doctor](https://thewvsr.com/1366-words-about-visiting-an-eye-doctor/) - I showed up for yesterday's eye appointment ten minutes early, and was given a clipboard with a form attached. "Please have a seat and fill that out... both sides," the woman in inexplicable hospital scrubs instructed. "And take it to the exam room with you." It asked for my name, home address, social security number
- [One-Armed Drummers and Crackpot Hypotheticals](https://thewvsr.com/one-armed-drummers-and-crackpot-hypotheticals/) - I have an appointment with the eye doctor today at 2:20. Hopefully he can get me out of these glasses soon, because two people at work have already said I look "professorial." Can you imagine my horror? Plus, the whole world is in soft focus, like a Hallmark sympathy card. And I can't have that.
- [Another Thing Lost, Twenty Eleven, the End of the World, and More](https://thewvsr.com/another-thing-lost-twenty-eleven-the-end-of-the-world-and-more/) - On Saturday night I was rinsing the cleaning solution off my right contact lens, it slipped from between my fingers, and ROCKETED down the sink. Yeah, the thing went sailing out of my life like a post-Meister Brau assplosion, circa 1983. I stood there for a second or two, unable to process what just happened.
- [The Final Conversation? With Legwarmers](https://thewvsr.com/the-final-conversation-with-legwarmers/) - Sunshine has apparently gone underground. Nobody has heard from her since she and Mumbles boarded a westbound train on Tuesday. I suspect she’s not taking Nancy’s calls (Toney hasn’t tried), in an attempt to “punish” all of us. She left here angry at the world, and I think she wants everyone to worry. But, from
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 29](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-29/) - Toney sent me an email early this morning, and I read it when I got up. That's the way we communicate these days... via email and text messaging. And the note said, "Only use the downstairs toilet for #1. Something's wrong with it." Yes, it was very reminiscent of the love notes we used to
- [What Are Your Summer Travel Plans?](https://thewvsr.com/what-are-your-summer-travel-plans/) - Last week, when we went to Cooper's for obscure international beers, I had two CDs in my car: The Promise by Bruce Springsteen, and Singles: 45s and Under by Squeeze. And both have now disappeared. That kind of thing has the power to make me fully crazy... I've practically removed the seats from my car,
- [Hello New Year, Goodbye Sunshine!](https://thewvsr.com/hello-new-year-goodbye-sunshine/) - Sunshine and Mumbles are going home today, and you’ll get no argument from me. It’s been a challenge… Sunny has taken her game to a whole new level, and we've all just about had enough. Even the boys, who generally go with the flow, are about to snap. Yesterday I got out of bed, after
- [My One Day Off, and Renaming the Cable Shows](https://thewvsr.com/my-one-day-off-and-renaming-the-cable-shows/) - I was off from work yesterday, and it was nuts around our house, as usual. Sunny needed a refill of her oxygen tanks (she has lungs the size of teabags), and it triggered one of her episodes. She was agitated that two new tanks wouldn't just instantly appear before her, and was ranting like the
- [Further Evidence the End is Near](https://thewvsr.com/further-evidence-the-end-is-near/) - Yeah, I'm sick. I have the suds, or something. My shift at work last night felt like it went on for eighteen or sixteen hours. It sucked, and I just wanted to go home and get in bed with a smelly border collie at my feet. I'm going back tonight, because I'm expected to be
- [Our Experiences with New Year's Resolutions](https://thewvsr.com/our-experiences-with-new-years-resolutions/) - Have you ever stuck with a New Year's Resolution for more than a few weeks? Has it worked out, even once? Were you able to transform some part of your life by making a change, starting on January 1, and seeing it through until it became a permanent part of your daily routine? I’ve made
- [How Was Your Holiday This Year? Plus Snow and Snot](https://thewvsr.com/how-was-your-holiday-this-year-plus-snow-and-snot/) - I white-knuckled it home last night, after work. We didn’t get an enormous amount of snow, and the roads have now been cleared, but it was still a little… dynamic at 1:30 am. A couple of times my car became a free agent, and did its own thing for a few seconds. And I’m not
- [Our Most Memorable Christmas Presents, and Some Other Things](https://thewvsr.com/our-most-memorable-christmas-presents-and-other-things/) - I didn’t mention it here, for fear of a panic, but the Nancy Christmas Special was almost canceled. The oldest translucent (“Mr. Tophat!!”) had a 102-degree temperature, and it appeared they might not travel. Under normal circumstances I would’ve been muttering, “Come oooon 103…” But this time I want the visit to happen, because it’s
- [An Inventory of Injuries, More Interstate Trouble, and Dead People of the Near Future](https://thewvsr.com/an-inventory-of-injuries-more-interstate-trouble-and-dead-people-of-the-near-future/) - You know what else pisses me off? When people have a well-rehearsed inventory of medical procedures they’ve undergone, as a result of some sort of catastrophic injury, or whatever. They always recite it expertly, thanks to years of honing via repetition, and it's usually filled with lots of dramatic and arcane asides. It generally goes
- [Holiday Preparations, Great Radio, and Inventions of the Past Eleven Years](https://thewvsr.com/holiday-preparations-great-radio-and-inventions-of-the-past-eleven-years/) - Toney wrapped presents yesterday, and put them underneath the tree. So, it's starting to feel a little more like Christmas around here. Not much more, but a little. It's all about the kids, of course. Toney and I haven't given each other a Christmas present in years. It's not something we planned, it just happened.
- [Signs, Office Gossip, and Insanely Territorial People at Work ](https://thewvsr.com/signs-and-insanely-territorial-people-at-work/) - You know those super-bright plasma screen billboards they have beside highways now? The ones that usually cycle through a series of ads, and will burn-up your retinas at night? Well, there’s one alongside I-81 that I pass on my way home from work, and it’s relatively subdued -- until it gets to an advertisement for
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 36](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-36/) - Yeah, I think I'm going to have to ask for a do-over on this homemade haircut... It's starting to go slightly mushroom-shaped: narrow at the bottom, with a pronounced widening above the ears. I've got Hiroshima Head, and possibly Nagasaki Neck. And I can't have that. My friend Duff emailed me last night, to alert
- [A Festive Holiday Report from North (or is it South?) Carolina](https://thewvsr.com/a-festive-holiday-report-from-north-or-is-it-south-carolina/) - I'm surprised Sunshine and Mumbles aren't up here already. From what I understand, there's nothing but arguments in North (or is it South?) Carolina these days. And S&M are free to take Nancy's sunflower car at any time, and drive to our house. I'm shocked they haven't yet stormed out in a huff. Sunny is
- [Our Favorite Regional Products, and Some Other Stuff](https://thewvsr.com/our-favorite-regional-products-and-some-other-stuff/) - Occasionally I get so tired, I feel ill. And that’s what happened on Sunday. I don’t know why, because I slept at least nine hours on Saturday night, but I was fatigued almost to the point of pukin’ on Sunday. It’s some kind of cumulative thing that doesn’t necessarily have a lot to do with
- [Mountain Dew: The Secret Is In The Chunks ](https://thewvsr.com/mountain-dew-the-secret-is-in-the-chunks/) - I realized I was a bit parched while driving to work on Saturday afternoon, so I cheated and grabbed the can of Mountain Dew Toney packed in my lunch. I figured I could buy another from the vending machine later. Sometimes you’ve just got to live for the moment, like those people jumping off cliffs
- [Have You Been Pulled Over By The Man Lately?](https://thewvsr.com/have-you-been-pulled-over-by-the-man-lately/) - I took my car in for an oil change today, and asked them to also fix a brake light that's shit the bed on me. Someone at work told me about the light a week or so ago, and I haven't had a chance to deal with it until today. And I was convinced the
- [Conflict Resolution Training, for Work and Home](https://thewvsr.com/conflict-resolution-training-for-work-and-home/) - Last night was extra-crazy at work. And right in the middle of the chaos a great idea for a future update, or something or other, popped into my head. "Yeah, I need to write that down right now," I thought to myself. 'Cause I have a habit of coming up with good stuff, and completely
- [Everybody Has OCD, Including the Comedians We've Seen Live](https://thewvsr.com/everybody-has-ocd-including-the-comedians-weve-seen-live/) - I heard someone on the radio recently, claiming that everybody has obsessive-compulsive disorder to a certain extent. Most folks are able to adjust and it’s not a huge issue for them, but people with advanced cases can end up in the wacky shack before it’s all over. You’ve seen them on TV, muttering numbers and
- [Hilarious Resumes We Have Known, etc.](https://thewvsr.com/hilarious-resumes-we-have-known-etc/) - I hate to complain, but the sixty hour work weeks are starting to take their toll. I’m irritable and have to make a special effort not to scream, “GIT CH’ASS AWAY FROM ME!!” whenever someone approaches my cubicle. And a few days ago I collected a bunch of dirty clothes at home, went into the
- [WTF Friday: A Possible New Website, and More](https://thewvsr.com/wtf-friday-a-possible-new-website-and-more/) - The internet is littered with websites I've launched, and abandoned. Some you probably know, and others you don't. Thank God... But I'm thinking about starting a new one -- in addition to the Surf Report, of course. You see, I try not to mention my book projects, and what's happening currently. It takes up a
- [A Few Quick Things, vol. 41](https://thewvsr.com/a-few-quick-things-vol-41/) - Another thing that pisses me off is voicemail systems designed to sound like real people. My credit union, which is conveniently located in Hollywood, California, recently installed one of those deals, and it bothers me. When I call, it tells me to listen carefully because their menu has changed, and I always holler, “No it
- [Bad Ears, Nonsensical Sentence Starters, and Celebrity Lookalikes](https://thewvsr.com/bad-ears-nonsensical-sentence-starters-and-celebrity-lookalikes/) - Another thing that's pissing me off lately: People starting every sentence with the word "so." Have you noticed this, or am I, once again, many years behind the curve? It's stuff like this: Me: Do you know how I can automatically pull information from a spreadsheet on the Y: drive, into a new spreadsheet I
- [In Celebration of Teenage Movie Theater Hijinks](https://thewvsr.com/in-celebration-of-teenage-movie-theater-hijinks/) - I went to a lot of movies as a teenager, and engaged in a fair share of theater hijinks. Today I’ll briefly tell you about a few of the disgraceful episodes that jump immediately to mind, and turn it over to you guys. Hopefully you’ll have some similar stories to share, and we can have
- [Eating, Shopping, and Many, Many Weather Forecasts](https://thewvsr.com/eating-shopping-and-many-many-weather-forecasts/) - I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was nice, but (in my case) quite abbreviated. My parents were here, and I got to spend Thursday and part of Friday with them, but beyond that… Toney and the boys served as hosts. I was back at the job by Friday afternoon, because, you know, those
- [Your Pre-Thanksgiving Topic Dump, vol. 11](https://thewvsr.com/your-pre-thanksgiving-topic-dump-vol-11/) - My parents are on their way up here for Thanksgiving, and we're still scrambling, trying to get everything ready. Toney left me an email to-do list, and three items remain. So, this one is probably gonna be brief... That's right, at this point in our lives we communicate mostly through Gmail and text messages. It's
- [Fads and Trends of the Suburbs, and a Bruce Springsteen Jag](https://thewvsr.com/fads-and-trends-of-the-suburbs-and-a-bruce-springsteen-jag/) - I was almost late for work on a recent Sunday, because of a traffic jam on Interstate 81, generated by a local appearance by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. When I realized the source of my trouble, I had a mini-meltdown and started hollering belligerence, and screaming “Baa Baa, Mr. Sheep!" at my passenger windows. Trans-Siberian Orchestra is,
- [WTF Friday: A Conversation I Overheard While Riding the Scrambler at Six Flags](https://thewvsr.com/wtf-friday-a-conversation-i-overheard-while-riding-the-scrambler-at-six-flags/) - "Yeah, and my boss jumped all over me, because he said I never participate in departmental functions. I'm always having to tend to urgent matters, he said, that seem to pop up at pretty convenient times. I laughed, because I knew I was busted. But he didn't think it was very funny, and..." "...a potluck
- [The Stupidest and Most Embarrassing Classes We've Ever Taken](https://thewvsr.com/the-stupidest-and-most-embarrassing-classes-weve-ever-taken/) - I’ve been noticing the way most people type, and the fact that I do it differently. Because, you see, I’ve been trained... I use all ten of my fingers, while most people just hammer furiously at the keyboard with their two main booger-hooks, their backs all hunched-up like a giant fetus. No, I have the
- [Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 155](https://thewvsr.com/your-end-of-week-topic-dump-vol-155/) - Once again I went without the alarm today, 'cause I was dragging massive ass, and slept until 2:30 pm. Crazy. As I type this it's 5:30 and I've had almost a pot of coffee, and feel like I'm about ready for lunch. Weird shit, man. Tomorrow I will start another sixty hours in six days,
- [TheWVSR: Now With More Self-Indulgence!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsr-now-with-more-self-indulgence-2/) - Yeah, I've got nothing. The ten or so unused items in my notebook aren't doing it for me (a wiener dog the size of a german shepherd? what??), and I can't work up much enthusiasm for the retelling of some old tale. So, I'm just gonna describe the bunker to you -- my little writing
- [Baffling Hot Stinks and Cruise Ship Horrors](https://thewvsr.com/baffling-hot-stinks-and-cruise-ship-horrors/) - I could use a little help with something, my friends. Have you ever noticed how a funky bathroom is almost always really warm, as well? Why is that? Any ideas? I’d like to know your theories on the subject. Just yesterday I walked into a smallish public restroom, and a wave of heat and breathtaking
- [How Would You Program a Time Machine?](https://thewvsr.com/how-would-you-program-a-time-machine/) - One thing I didn’t consider when I asked to work sixty hours per week at my job: I wouldn’t have anything new to write about. I’m not complaining (not really), but I work and sleep nowadays, and very little else. And there are not a lot of fresh comedic opportunities in such a world, especially
- [WTF Friday: We Need New Names For Our Coins!](https://thewvsr.com/wtf-friday-we-need-new-names-for-our-coins/) - During a recent trip to Canada, I was impressed by the jaunty nicknames they have for their money up there. The loonie, the toonie, the tim’orton… We have nothing of the sort. I suppose the word “dime” is a nickname, but how lame is that? Dime? That’s not jaunty at all. How embarrassing. No, I
- [Profanity, the Young, and Commercials About Freshness](https://thewvsr.com/profanity-the-young-and-commercials-about-freshness/) - I was recently in a meeting, with fifty or sixty of my co-workers, and the guy running it was having trouble keeping things under control. There was a lot of murmuring, and people just flat-out talking. After a while, it sounded like a middle school cafeteria in there. The main guy was carrying on a
- [A Spy in the House of Nancy](https://thewvsr.com/a-spy-in-the-house-of-nancy/) - I know it’s still early in the season, but I’d like to remind everyone to please use our Amazon links while doing your holiday shopping this year. It costs you nothing extra, and I’ll receive a small percentage of whatever you spend. Everybody wins! Plus, it’s so much better than going out to stores and

## Pages

- [](https://thewvsr.com/hotline/)
- [Beatles Review From Two Days After Their First Ed Sullivan Appearance](https://thewvsr.com/beatles-review-from-two-days-after-their-first-ed-sullivan-appearance/)
- [The $10 Scratch-Off Project!](https://thewvsr.com/scratchoff/) - The project is now completed! CONCLUSION If this is the best bet in all of gambling, then I made a rare wise decision by steering clear of "gaming" all my life. I realize this isn't anything close to a scientific examination of the claim made by that friend o' my parents. But I have a
- [The $5 Scratch-Off Project!](https://thewvsr.com/scratchoff5/) - As I type this I've finally reached the merciful end of the $10 Scratch-Off Project, my first foray into this particular strain of dumbassery. As noted, a friend of my parents (a big-time gambler) repeatedly announced that the $10 scratch-off lottery ticket is the "best bet in all of gambling." So, I decided to buy
- [About the West Virginia Surf Report!](https://thewvsr.com/about/) - Hi. My name is Jeff Kay, and this is my website and misguided obsession. Here, I publish humor articles I've written, and maintain a daily (give or take) journal that chronicles my ridiculous adventures in suburbia. Welcome! About Me I was born and raised near Charleston, West Virginia, and now live outside Scranton, Pennsylvania, with
- [The Number Of Fucks In Deadwood](https://thewvsr.com/deadwood/) - Total fucks in series + movie: 3063 Cumulative series + movie FPM: 1.51 Total fucks in the movie: 83 Fucks Per Minute (FPM) in the movie: .78 Total fucks in Season Three: 1050 Average fucks per episode: 87.5 Cumulative Season Three FPM: 1.73 Total fucks in Season Two: 1099 Average fucks per episode: 91.6 Cumulative
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Thursday/Friday Photos](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-thursday-friday-photos/) - BACK TO UPDATE
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Tuesday Photos](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-tuesday-photos/) - BACK TO UPDATE
- [The Big Fat Las Vegas Story: Monday Photos](https://thewvsr.com/the-big-fat-las-vegas-story-monday-photos/) - BACK TO UPDATE
- [Some Additional Random Photos: Myrtle Beach, May 2018](https://thewvsr.com/random-additional-photos-from-myrtle-beach-may-2018/) - The Secrets playing "baseball." "Fuck 'em." BACK TO THE UPDATE
- [Read The Books!](https://thewvsr.com/read-the-books/) - Best of The West Virginia Surf Report, Volume 1 Ebooks available for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. Paperbacks from Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Crossroads Road: A Novel Ebooks available for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. Paperback from Amazon.
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-369/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-368/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-367/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-366/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-365/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-364/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-363/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-362/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-361/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-360/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-359/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-358/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-357/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-356/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-355/)
- [Discussing Politics on Facebook!](https://thewvsr.com/discussing-politics-on-facebook/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-354/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-353/)
- [The Smoking Fish At The 2015 World Series!](https://thewvsr.com/the-smoking-fish-at-the-2015-world-series/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-352/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-351/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-350/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-349/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-348/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-347/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-346/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-345/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-344/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-343/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-342/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-341/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-340/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-339/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-338/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-337/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-336/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-335/)
- [Buy Jeff a Beer!](https://thewvsr.com/donate/) - He works hard at bringing the funny here. Well, not hard, but fairly consistently. And he likes beer. Care to show your appreciation by buying him some? He’d be much obliged. And how do I know this, you ask? Because I am Jeff, writing in a semi-creepy third person. I thank you for your consideration, and
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-334/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-333/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-332/)
- [The Archives](https://thewvsr.com/archives/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-331/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-330/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-329/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-328/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-327/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-326/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-325/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-324/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-323/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-322/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-321/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-320/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-319/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-318/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-317/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-316/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-315/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-314/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-313/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-312/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-311/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-310/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-309/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-308/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-307/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-306/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-305/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-304/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-303/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-302/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-301/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-300/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-299/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-298/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-297/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-296/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-295/)
- [Dunbar, WV: Former Home of Jeff Kay and Charles Manson?](https://thewvsr.com/dunbar-wv-former-home-of-jeff-kay-and-charles-manson/) - return to update
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-294/)
- [North Dakota Woman Plans to Hand Out "You're Too Fat For Candy" Letter For Halloween](https://thewvsr.com/north-dakota-woman-plans-to-hand-out-youre-too-fat-for-candy-letter-for-halloween/) - News story
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-293/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-292/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-291/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-290/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-289/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-288/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-287/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-286/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-285/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-284/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-283/)
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- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-10/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-9/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-8/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-7/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-6/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-5/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-4/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-3/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker-2/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsrcam-a-live-camera-inside-the-surf-report-bunker/)
- [TheWVSRcam: A Live Camera Inside the Surf Report Bunker!](https://thewvsr.com/bunker-cam/)
- [Best of The West Virginia Surf Report!](https://thewvsr.com/best-of-thewvsr/) - Occasionally, during our sad and seemingly never-ending quest for attention and approval, we'll clumsily hit upon something that people take a passing interest in. I know, it shocks us too, but it seems to be true. Since we can't take any chances on the world not seeing us at our best (look at me! look
- [Explanations for Aliens: Underwear](https://thewvsr.com/explanations-for-aliens-underwear/) - Nearly all civilized human creatures cover their naked bodies in customized sheets of material, called “clothing.” This practice is likely rooted in a desire for modesty, comfort, and (finally) vanity.
- [Explanations for Aliens: Golf](https://thewvsr.com/explanations-for-aliens-golf/) - Golf is a game many male humans start playing because they believe it will lead to a better job.
- [Explanations for Aliens: Elvis Presley](https://thewvsr.com/explanations-for-aliens-elvis-presley/) - Elvis Presley was an enormously popular human entertainer from the America region of Earth, who began his career as a teenage rock ‘n’ roll singer in the 1950s, and eventually became a film “actor,” and full-blown cultural icon.
- [Fast Food Gone Horribly Wrong!](https://thewvsr.com/fast-food-gone-wrong/) - Surf Reporter Andrew recently ordered a Filet O Fish sandwich at a McDonald's in Melbourne, Australia, and this is what was served to him. It's a catastrophic fast fast food failure of the highest order! Further fast food shenanigans
- [Welcome to the Surf Report Souvenir Shop!](https://thewvsr.com/wvsr-gear/) - Evil Twin t-shirt in blue/gray/white, at final closeout price! Just $10, postage included. Insanity. Of all the shirts we've produced through the years, this is my favorite. In fact, I liked it so much I purchased a metric ton of 'em. Most have now been sold, to nice folks like Melissa, pictured here: But it's
- [[TheWVSR] Monday Dispatch: Zeroeing Out the Nancy File](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsr-monday-dispatch-zeroeing-out-the-nancy-file/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I almost began this update with an apology, for missing last week’s dispatch, but I’m not going to do it. It reminds me too much of the old zine days, when the phrase “I’m sorry this issue is so late…” was the biggest cliché in town. So, like Kurt used to say
- [[TheWVSR] Monday Dispatch: Nancy and the Overload](https://thewvsr.com/thewvsr-monday-dispatch-nancy-and-the-overload/) - Hello Surf Reporters! I hope all of you had a great holiday, if you’re in America, and a great weekend if you’re not. Ours was good, but it’s already back to reality for me… Stupid reality. I have a small amount of Nancy News to pass along to you guys today. She reportedly believed she
- [Christmas 2010: The Final Conflict](https://thewvsr.com/christmas-2010-the-final-conflict/) - Nancy was always the one who made excuses for Sunshine’s behavior. Holding people responsible for their actions is unsophisticated, in her view, and she always felt that Toney’s hard-line approach to the whole Sunny situation was, well, kinda mean. But not anymore… After Nancy spent thousands of dollars to bring Sunshine and Mumbles, as well
- [Christmas 2010: Cabin Fever Starts to Set In](https://thewvsr.com/christmas-2010-cabin-fever-starts-to-set-in/) - After we dragged ourselves downstairs on Christmas morning, I started making the first of the six or eight pots of coffee we put down that day, and Toney went to the family room to wake up Sunshine and Mumbles. The boys were told to wait until their grandparents were in the room, before ripping into
- [Christmas 2010: The Gang Descends](https://thewvsr.com/christmas-2010-the-gang-descends/) - Sunshine and Mumbles left North (or is it South?) Carolina on Thursday morning, and were planning to drive all the way to our house in one straight shot. Toney said it would never happen, but I wasn’t so sure. They’re pretty cheap, after all, and a night in a motel would set them back at
- [Christmas 2010: Christmas Eve at the Compound ](https://thewvsr.com/christmas-2010-christmas-eve-at-the-compound/) - After Nancy and her noise machine left our house for their motel, Toney and I started working on Christmas Eve dinner. I was assigned certain jobs, and performed them with a beer nearby. And Toney’s brother commenced to downing mixed drinks like Dean Martin, and just hanging around the kitchen. At one point I was
- [Friends of the Surf Report](https://thewvsr.com/friends-of-the-surf-report/)
- [Advertise](https://thewvsr.com/advertise/) - Sponsorship Opportunities Thank you for your interest in sponsoring The West Virginia Surf Report. If you target middle and upper middle-class men and women, suburban parents, or professionals who aren't quite ready to grow up, and want to enhance your site or brand awareness, then sponsorship is right for you. The West Virginia Surf Report
- [A Brief History of the West Virginia Surf Report Paper Zine](https://thewvsr.com/a-brief-history-of-the-west-virginia-surf-report-paper-zine/) - I wanted to be a comedy writer. Like the guys who wrote Animal House, and the lucky bastards working for Letterman. And this is what I finally admitted to the interviewer, after he prodded me to tell him what I really wanted to do with my life. I not only didn’t get the job, but
- [Black Wendy Is Not A Myth!](https://thewvsr.com/black-wendy-is-not-a-myth/) - They tried to tell me it wasn't true, but now I have the proof. Wendy is sometimes "adjusted" in Southern states, to match the local demographics. They attempted to discredit me, but who's laughing now?! Hmm?
- [The Woodstock Death Count](https://thewvsr.com/the-woodstock-death-count/) - This might be a tad morbid, but that’s the way it goes sometimes… A friend recently sent me an email containing a link to a news story about the death of a 1960s musician. Well, he was probably a musician later in life as well, but was most famous during the ‘60s. I cranked off
- [Surf Report Resources](https://thewvsr.com/resources/) - The internet version of The West Virginia Surf Report has been around since late 2000, and since that makes me an elder statesman (dried-up old throwback) I'm occasionally asked for advice and recommendations. So... I've decided to put all my answers in one convenient place. On this page, right here. It's true that I've experimented
- [Public Restrooms Made Entirely of One-Way Glass](https://thewvsr.com/glass-bathrooms/) - Could you take a brown in one of these ridiculous things? I don't think I could even muster a yellow. I'd be afraid someone, possibly a "wacky" cable TV host, would throw a switch while I'm struggling atop the throne, and the glass would instantly reverse itself. Is that possible? I'm not willing to risk
- [Smoking Fish Inside New Yankee Stadium!](https://thewvsr.com/new-yankee-stadium/) - Click to enlarge these exclusive photos.
- [E. Coli's is pretty good, but I think I prefer Listeria Lunch over on Maple](https://thewvsr.com/e-colis-chili-pot/)
- [Surf Report Roll Call: 2009](https://thewvsr.com/surf-report-roll-call-2009/) - Alabama Decatur: Chuck Huntsville: Jason Huntsville: Ordinary Phil Montgomery: John in Mtg Tuscaloosa: BamaGwyn Alaska Nome: clintcurtis Arizona Chandler: NDfaninAZ Phoenix: AZ Jim Queen Creek: skrup Sedona: David B Tempe: Mike Tucson: Beerhound Tucson: CJ Arkansas Avilla: wildlifer Batesville: Rib Tickler California Asti: Keith Beverly Hills: kingjnod Concord: fuzznutz Los Angeles: MoFo Mission Viejo:
- [My Grandmother's House All Burned Up](https://thewvsr.com/my-grandmothers-house-all-burned-up/)
- [Common Words That Do Not Rhyme!](https://thewvsr.com/common-words-that-do-not-rhyme/) - December 19, 2008 chickadee | caulk December 18, 2008 radiology | wiener December 17, 2008 curtains | carbuncle December 16. 2008 undergarment | conduit December 15, 2008 lunchbox | surcharge December 14, 2008 perturb | carrot December 13, 2008 periphery | oatmeal December 12, 2008 ankle | sheepherder December 11, 2008 piccolo | socks December
- [Contact the Surf Report](https://thewvsr.com/contact/) - Thank you for visiting TheWVSR. If you'd like to contact us directly, please feel free to use one of the methods listed below. Your interest is sincerely appreciated. Mail Jeff Kay PO Box 4 Olyphant, PA 18447 Social Networking We've monkeyed around with many, but stuck with Twitter. Follow our tweets, and we'll probably follow yours.
- [Look what the mailman just brought me...](https://thewvsr.com/look-what-the-mailman-just-brought-me/)
- [The Best Ten Dollars I've Spent Recently](https://thewvsr.com/the-best-ten-dollars-ive-spent-recently/) - The Mini Maglite Flashlight. Bought on a whim, used daily. Who knew?
- [Two Weeks with Nancy and the Gang](https://thewvsr.com/two-weeks-with-nancy-and-the-gang/) - I was talking to Steve a few days ago, and he asked about Nancy's most recent visit. I told him it was a quickie, less than 24 hours, and he said, "Oh, you probably didn't get a lot to write about, huh?" And I hollered, "Are you kidding?! Twenty-four hours with those people is like
- [An Open Letter from Buck to Barack Obama](https://thewvsr.com/an-open-letter-from-buck-to-barack-obama/) - Dear Barry, What up? It was good to see you put the smack-down on that old dude and the chick from the woods in the election. Way to rock the vote, man. I noticed you're picking folks to help you out when you get to the White House. I have an opinion on the matter.
- [Talking with Nancy and Nostrils](https://thewvsr.com/talking-with-nancy-and-nostrils/) - Nancy, her so-called husband Nostrils (married on a beach by a dinner theater actor, amongst a pack of leaping dogs), and their passel of li'l translucent children, descended on the Surf Report compound late on a recent Friday night. The plan was to put the see-thrus straight to bed, since they'd theoretically be asleep by
- [Nossy's lunch, piled-high with mayonnaise](https://thewvsr.com/nossys-lunch-piled-high-with-mayonnaise/)
- [Snow on October 28, and Blacklips Houlihan](https://thewvsr.com/snow-on-october-28-and-blacklips-houlihan/)
- [A Saturday During the Best Time of Year](https://thewvsr.com/a-saturday-during-the-best-time-of-year/)
- [Two of the translucents, waiting for Eninen outside the co-op?](https://thewvsr.com/two-of-the-translucents/)
- [Cast of the Gunsmoke Radio Show](https://thewvsr.com/cast-of-the-gunsmoke-radio-show/)
- [Toilet in Ecuador](https://thewvsr.com/toilet-in-ecuador/)
- [A Toilet in the Ukraine](https://thewvsr.com/a-toilet-in-the-ukraine/)
- [Underwear Outside Philadelphia Hard Rock Cafe](https://thewvsr.com/underwear-hard-rock-cafe/)
- [A Revised Omen Poster from Surf Reporter Keith!](https://thewvsr.com/revised-omen/)
- [New York City August 2008](https://thewvsr.com/nycpix2/) - Outside the Dakota, where John Lennon lived and died.
- [New York City  August 2008](https://thewvsr.com/nycpix1/)
- [Knucklehead's Spine Surgery Scar and the Smoking Fish](https://thewvsr.com/neckscar/)

## Categories

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- [Why Why Why](https://thewvsr.com/category/why-why-why/)
- [Further Evidence](https://thewvsr.com/category/further-evidence/)

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